My boyfriend and I keep having the same argument over and over. For context, in the past he has told me “you have to be ok with other women being hotter than you” (this was not in a conversation about this topic…it was fairly out of the blue) and “it’s ok that you’re not classically attractive” (I’m cute but I’m not a 10/10 or anything). Yet he doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful or hot very often, he just expects me to know it. I want to be attractive to him, and for him to see a type of beauty in me that he doesn’t see in other women because he knows me. But he doesn’t communicate any of that to me…but he thinks he does? Even though he doesn’t say it?
He wants to be “careless” (all quotes in this post are actual quotes) with his words and “not worry about how [I] feel” when he says things about other women. He has told me before that he finds other women distractingly attractive and talks about how cool and intelligent and cute some of his female coworkers are without saying the same things about me (or certainly not as often). So our arguments consist of him saying something insensitive about women or about my intelligence, etc. and me getting hurt and him telling me I need too much validation. Then I tell him all the reasons I feel insecure and he dismisses me for various reasons (“we’re too tired for this conversation”, “why can’t we just forget this?”, “you need more sleep”).
I want him to understand that I just don’t feel loved and don’t feel attractive to him in a unique way but he says I’m crazy for that.
Are we beyond hope? Do we need therapy? Do we just call it? Lol
We’ve been together on and off for 12 years (our break ups have been the result of bad communications or parental involvement for religious reasons) and we keep having these same issues.
I feel like he doesn’t respect and love me and he feels like he can’t be himself around me.
We want to get married but I’m worried we are incompatible.
The attraction topic is not the only one. It’s also how I feel about the way he views my intelligence and his respect for me. I know I don’t need a strangers validation but I do want to feel like my partner appreciates the good things about me.
Feel free to ask for more context or tell me I actually am crazy. I am willing to work on myself but I’m worried he doesn’t have the same desire.
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It sounds like he doesn’t even like you as a person, let alone as a romantic partner. In fact, it sounds like he might be more interested in one of his coworkers.
Don’t marry some guy who doesn’t make you feel loved/attractive/smart/valued. Marriage is going to make it worse, not better.
“I feel like he doesn’t respect and love me”
Based on your post, it doesn’t sound like he does. End it. He can try his hand at getting one of those amazing girls he talks about constantly and you can find a man who does love you and respect you.
To be fair i didn’t finish reading this. He doesn’t like you and is waiting for someone “hotter” to come along. You should consider leaving the relationship asap.
I don’t think he’s worth it. I wouldn’t want my partner saying that other women are more attractive than I and that I should be okay with it. Cuz like yeah, there will be other attractive women but your boyfriend should only have eyes for you and in his eyes you should be attractive. He shouldn’t be pushing you down and making you feel ugly or anything like that.
You said he doesn’t make you feel loved either so what’s the point in being with someone who doesn’t love you?? Just call it quits, he sounds like a jerk and you definitely deserve someone who will compliment you and love you correctly
This guy sounds insecure honestly… it seems like he feels insecure and wants to bring you down too. I also think his wanting to be careless with his words is really stupid. He just wants to be able to say anything and for you to not able to express your feelings about it. It’s immature, you know? Like I’d like it to if I could just say everything I ever want with no consequences, but that’s not how that works, and I don’t want to hurt the people I love so I don’t. It’s really that simple. Honestly OP, this guy isn’t worth it.
>>I want him to understand that I just don’t feel loved and don’t feel attractive to him in a unique way but he says I’m crazy for that.
No magic words, sis. *He understands, because presumably he’s not a dolt, it’s just that he doesn’t care. And he’s willing to call you crazy for his own frankly unfckable words*
didnt finish reading it and honestly dont have to. dump him
He does not value you or respect you as a human being. Considering you’ve been in a relationship with this fool, you should seriously consider personal therapy to focus on building up your self respect and boundaries. Please leave this guy. Best wishes, dear. 💗
So he insults your looks AND your intelligence? And you want to get married? To HIM?
Please want better for yourself. You don’t need to fix your communication. You need to rid yourself of this clown once and for all and value yourself.
He doesn’t like you. Narcissists date people they don’t like and constantly put them down so they can feel superior. Break up with him please.
I think he doesnt respect you.
He could have way more topics of conversation than his female coworkers.
He should tell you how dear you are to him.
He is being very insensitive and if he doesnt see it, if he doesnt validate you (I dont think you are in need of a special ammount of validation rly), then you should cal it off. You cant decide jow others behave, but you can choose who to stay with.
…”or tell me I actually am crazy”. No, OP, you are not crazy. This sounds awful. Disrespectful and not loving at all. If my partner would tell me these things, he would no longer be my partner. I find it a bit shocking that you are at a point where you think that it might be you, that you might be “crazy” (no, your reaction is normal) and also, I find it highly disrespectful, that he tells you that you are “tired” when you voice your thoughts.
I know it’s been 12 years, a long time. But do you really want this for the rest of your life? A lifetime of misery? It is OK to break up. There is not much for you to work on yourself here, regarding the aspects you mentioned at least. It is OK to leave because you want a better future, even and especially after 12 years. To find someone new or to just be by yourself. I was single for a long time before I met my partner. Society makes us feel like we need to be in a relationship, but that is not true. Better single and value yourself than be with someone who does not. All the best and I hope you can break out of this
Don’t be with someone who openly disrespects your feelings and then gaslights you. You’re not too sensitive. He is too much of a jerk.
Find someone who enjoys your own unique sparkle. Someone who appreciates and brings out the best of you. Someone who you can be genuinely yourself with. Someone you can trust your heart with.
This guy isn’t that one.
I’d break up. You’ve told him how you feel and he does not care. You deserve better than that and staying with him is stopping you from finding that.
You are 28, please don’t waste any more of your precious 20s on this guy. Your biological clock is about to start ticking so don’t get pregnant with this guy. He doesn’t like you and doesn’t respect you. Then your children will learn not to respect you also. Think about that.
Dump him! Ughhh he sucks!
Nah … that’s fucks
I had this same exact situation happen to me.
Later we reconnected after an especially long period of no contact and here’s what I’ve learned from it.
Yes, he was always attracted to me. Possibly uncomfortable with how attracted he was to me. Because he wasn’t only attracted to my looks but my personality too and that’s a lot harder to ignore. And my ex was one of those very independent people who greatly valued his freedom and personal autonomy. Liking someone else so much that you see them as an equal, well that’s scary for some people because it threatens their control over their life. So I think occasionally he just needed to step away and prove to himself that he was his own person and leader of his life. I always took that as a rejection but it wasn’t. More of an affirmation.
But also, my emotions were overwhelming for him. He wanted to impress me and make me happy. That was important to him. So when I told him I was unhappy, it sounded like I was saying he failed or that he made me unhappy and it was his fault.
What helped was leaving him alone for awhile, letting some of his dumb comments slide, calmly addressing the ones that actually feel disrespectful (“I don’t like that word. Can you not use it” in a deadpan voice and changing the subject to something happy after) and not just him with his low emotional intelligence sorting through something else. And then enjoying my time with other people. I think this both reassures him that I can be “made” happy and also inspires him to be the one making me happy. And then occasionally explaining things about myself OUTSIDE the context of an argument. Like if we’re sitting on the couch, I might say something like “you know I was reading this article about oxytocin and I realized that’s probably why I like hugs so much and want one every day” it comes off less as “hey do this” (a demand) and more so puts the ball in his field to do it or not. And if he doesn’t put effort into it, just withdraw for awhile. Let him try to get your attention. Not the silent treatment or anything obvious. Just spend time with other people that you enjoy more. He’ll have to put in effort to get your attention.
You’re not compatible, because you’re the placeholder. Don’t be someone’s placeholder. Stay broken up this time okay?
Would love an update!
I agree with you that he doesn’t respect you. You have told him that him talking about other women makes you feel uncomfortable, but he continues to do it. That is not respect. Our partners are supposed to make us feel attractive, wanted and safe. He isn’t doing that. His dismissing his bad actions by saying you are being too emotional.
After 12 years, he is going to suddenly understand how his words hurt you because I don’t believe he cares that your feelings are hurt.
Do the work to feel more confident for YOU. Not for him.
Men constantly over estimating their current market value. Baby. He doesn’t like you he’s a tool bag. Let him go find other women cute and funny and hot, not enough hours in the day to dedicate a single second to that rancid petri dish of a specimin
You can’t polish a turd my dear. You need to get a grip of yourself.
Is your self respect, self esteem and self value so low that you really want to marry an arsehole?
Wake up little girl. Stop being desperate. He won’t change.
He’s putting you down so you don’t have the confidence to leave him. He is a POS and I’m sorry you have wasted 12 years of your life with this man. A man who is truly in love will not care how hot other women are and wouldn’t be trying to rub it in your face. That is just bizarre and abusive behavior. Please wisen up.
You deserve to find someone who loves you for yourself. That person will make you feel beautiful and cared for, not because of your face and body, but because of who you are. You know it is not him and he will not be able to change into that person. Let him go.
No, you are NOT crazy, honey! I’ve been there and it could be a strategy he is using to make you feel as less. It’s amazing the amount of guys who do this and we never expect it because we trust them. It is deffinitely his goal because he disrespects every aspect of yourself and also belittles how you feel.
I wish something better for you, I know it’s hard to leave, specially after being treated like this for a long time, but trust this: If this was a loving person he would have stopped if something was hurting you, you have voiced it and he keeps doing it, that means he doesn’t care if you are hurt by his actions and they Will get worse.
But above all trust that you deserve love, you deserve someone who sees you as an amazing person and beautiful and inteligent. I don’t care who this guy is, he isn’t better than you and he doesn’t get to make you feel as less (Also how smart can he be to be insulting his partner?). I send you support from a stranger of the internet and wish you all the love you need!! <3
And you stayed? YOU STAYED? Ma’am breaking up for good is free, yeah heartbreak sucks but he’s sucking the life out of you slowly, like you’re OKAY with him saying other girls are hotter than you? Like he’s admitting to looking at other women, being attracted to them, give him a few year or hell dig deeper in the past years and you’ll find he’s cheating on you and his reason would be oh but she’s hotter than you that’s like a free pass
This isn’t a communication issue. This is him being an asshole issue.
> We’ve been together on and off for 12 years (our break ups have been the result of bad communications or parental involvement for religious reasons) and we keep having these same issues.
This should be a pretty big hint that he is not going to change.
You don’t have to marry the first person you fall in love with.
He doesn’t love you or respect you. Actually i think he looks down on you.
You are together 12 years. Since 16 – since you were teenager. He is most likely just together with you because it is comfortable. He gets sex, i bet you do more household chores, it is cheaper… and i don’t believe that one of his “hot women” want an asshole like him.
Would you ever treat someone you respect and love like this? No! And i wouldn’t be surprised if so much wrong is in this relationship, but since you don’t know how a healthy relationship should looklike (since you both were together since teenager age), you think shitty behaviour is normal.
But you are just 28. You have 50+ years infront of you. Do you want them like this? And he will get worse. Also… what if you get children. He will teach this disrespectful behaviour the children. A daughter that it is normal to get treated this awful and to have no worth in a relationship or a son that you treat women so awful and the gf without respect.
Find someone that finds you beautiful .
Leave him if he’s complimenting other females, but not his own. Seems like he’s not respecting and not acknowledging the fact that he’s not doing what you want and giving excuses on why he’s not doing it and telling you “you have to be ok with other females being more attractive and hot than you”? That’s not something you say or HAVE to say to your gf. No girl wants to hear that from their bf, especially a girl who’s insecure and doesn’t think she’s attractive herself. He’s just putting you down at this point. If he’s gonna say that kinda stuff to you, then he should shut his mouth and stay quiet because those comments aren’t needed. Some women NEED to be told they’re pretty to FEEL it, not ALREADY KNOW IT. We like to be told we are because it makes us feel special and makes us think mentally that we ARE pretty and STILL attractive to our partner. He doesn’t seem to either understand you in that department or just doesn’t care and doesn’t wanna live up to your rules of what you want in this relationship. If you’re sick of it and don’t want this kinda relationship, then leave him and find someone better or stay single. You don’t deserve to be with someone like that. You should be with someone who compliments you, always thinks you’re either cute or pretty or hot or attractive regardless of other women around him because the difference is that he’s with YOU and not with THEM. If he thinks they’re more attractive than you, he can fucking leave and go with them. Fuck that. It doesn’t make sense how he’s complimenting other females (that he isn’t dating) in front of you (the one he’s dating) and isn’t leaving you like Jesus fucking Christ, just leave her if you think other females are more attractive than her. Why is he with you if he thinks others are more attractive than you? Makes no sense and there’s no reason or good enough reason.
Girl get outta there. ✨
He wants you to be ok with open disrespect
To me, it sounds like he wants to sleep around.calling other women attractive, using the term “careless”. He wants multiple sexual partners.
Omg dump this guy fast and hard. Part of being in a good relationship is someone who is considerate of each other. Clearly this guy isn’t even trying.
It sounds like he’s trying with you. He seems to be enjoying upsetting you. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s also eyeing up other women and wants a free pass to carry on doing that. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.
OP there’s a good reason you guys keep breaking up. There are significant issues here. He does not care about your feelings and doesn’t seem open to feedback at all. In a healthy relationship he would try to actually understand your perspective and recognize that he’s giving conflicting information when he compliments other women but says “you should just know”. If this has been going on and off for 12 years, I’d say save your money (therapy), and just break it off and move on. Therapy is not going to help anything if your boyfriend believes he doesn’t do anything wrong here.
You can find someone better for you. A healthy partner doesn’t make you feel like you have to beg to feel loved.
You feel like he doesn’t respect you because he doesn’t… A man who genuinely thinks his girlfriend is attractive and has been told multiple times it’s important for her to hear would make the effort to let her know. Also even if he thinks other women or smart cute hot etc if it’s going to be a problem for you then why would he continue to say it if he respects your feelings? Like honestly, he isn’t being forced to say these things to you, he’s choosing to. And me personally I’d never want to be with someone who would even think of telling me I’m not conventionally attractive or makes derogatory remarks about my intelligence. Even if there was some truth to it a partner is supposed to be supportive.
Girl… why? Why are you settling for this?