Some back story: My boyfriend (28M) and I (24F) have been together for about 3.5 years. I have always been upfront about not wanting to be a girlfriend for many years. In the beginning of the relationship, we had both agreed that 3-4 years of dating is more than enough time to know if you want to marry someone. He says he loves me and knows he wants to marry me and be together forever, but currently doesn’t have a timeline or plan to propose. This has become a point of contention as we currently live together in an apartment and have 3 cats.
We currently live out of state for work and will need to move back to our home state after the new year. The original plan was to buy a house together but the more I think about it the more I am unsure. I love him and want to stay with him, but I am starting to feel that a house is a crazy commitment for two people who aren’t even engaged yet. It also makes me worried if something were to happen to one of us, our portion of the house would go to our immediate family and there may need to be legal actions. His response was that if I am worried we can just put it all in my name and he will transfer me money to contribute to a down payment. Is this as sketchy as I feel it is?
He gets upset everytime the subject is brought up and says he feels pressured to propose. He doesn’t want to live separately and we will probably break up if I decide to get a house on my own. Has anyone ever dealt with this kind of issue? What was the outcome?
TLDR; My (24F) boyfriend (28M) doesn’t want to get married but wants to buy a house. He’d rather put it all in my name than tie the knot
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Is there a reason you won’t propose? If marriage is that important to you…
And you want to be married so it’s over
Are you happy with him? Are you willing to be his girlfriend for the next 10 years? I dont understand why he would rather let you have the house than marry you. Maybe he has some mental block regarding doing something so “permanent ” that hes unable or unwilling to communicate. Does he come from a stable family background? And is your relationship stable?
Your boyfriend probably heard horrible story from divorce from news/internet or experience from friends so he is getting cold feet, if that is his only concern get a prenup to protect both party if you are okay with that if not well maybe he will change his mind but clearly he is not ready to marry.
Sounds like he doesn’t want to propose to you and he is trying to dangle that carrot still. After 3.5 years, a guy knows if he wants to marry you for not.
Don’t buy a house with a non-spouse. Also he wants to just gift you downpayment money and not be on the deed? That’s very risky for him if you broke up. I would need to know exactly why he’s not ready to get married and if he can’t answer or gets upset, feels “pressured” or refuses to discuss it I’m afraid it’s time to consider making an exit plan.
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Well, you agreed to 3-4 years, and I’d say, if you dont get your proposal by year 4, take that as a sign he isn’t marriage material and proceed accordingly. My break-up talk at the end of 4 years would be “we agreed to 3-4 years, and it’s passed that point, so I’m done on waiting for you to be ready, and I dont want a shut up ring because you’ve made it clear where you stand, and it looks like it isnt with me. We want different things based on current actions, so I think it’s better for us to find people more in line with what we want instead of stringing someone along pretending to be on the same page.”
You need to put your big girl pants on and have that conversation
I know BigWedding(tm) has sold this romantic vision of an over the top proposal, but this is your life and there’s nothing of the sort on the horizon
Just say, “As we prepare to move back home, you’re talking about wanting to buy real property. I’m not hearing anything about marriage though. I won’t buy property unless we’re married. If after all these years you’re not ready, I’ll respect that. We can each make our own arrangements and separate. What I’m not willing to do is buy a house with someone who can’t commit to marriage.”
And I know you’re afraid of finding out that he’s not wanting to marry you. That will suck. But not as much as being stuck in real estate with someone who’s ready to date other people.
The death concerns are easily solvable with a will. Which you should both have anyway. Everyone should have a will as soon as they turn 18.
Regardless it’s clear he has some issue with marriage that needs to be dealt with. Instead of asking when you’re going to get married, it would be best to try and open him up instead. What does feeling ‘pressured’ mean? If he’s resisting against pressure then what is causing him to resist? It’s not purely a commitment issue if he’s willing to buy a house with you.
Him giving you a down payment isn’t sketchy, it’s more like naive on his part.
You should tell him that him not having a timeline isn’t good enough anymore. You need there to be an agreement. You had agreed on 3-4 years of dating. It’s been 3.5 years. If he isn’t willing to agree on a 6 month timeline, how about 12 months? To not only make up his mind but actually propose? Even 18 months might feel okay to you. You’re only 24.
If he brings up that he feels pressured to propose, your response should be that he may not like feeling pressured to propose, but YOU don’t like feeling like he’s never going to, and you’re trying to find a compromise here.
As for the place when you move back? Honestly, you’re not being conservative enough. You shouldn’t buy a place together if you’re not engaged. You also shouldn’t buy a place together if you’re engaged but not married. If you really want to the ideal way to do it is for one of you to buy a place ON YOUR OWN and the other person just pays rent. Anything else and you need lawyers to get involved.
He isn’t going to do it he’s hoping eventually you’ll just shut up about it
Your gut says no. Why not plan on moving back to your home state, and getting your own place to live and just seeing how that feels?
I bet it feels extremely freeing, and not dramatic, and like your life is opening up.
Take this opportunity and run from a guy who’d rather have you be a baby mama in a house that he buys, then make you his wife, cuz it’s next step is to baby trap you into doing what he wants rather than give you what you want.
He’s just not good partner material, and you need to quit trying to make him be good partner material when he’s not. What he’s offering is not a reasonable approach to what you want, really, get out now.
Well, he seems committed, otherwise he wouldn’t consider put a house in your name.
What changed about his views on marriage?
You are living together right now, right? As tenants?
He’s worried about the commitment of marriage but is willing to buy a house in your name? Isn’t that even more risky than marriage?
Honestly it sounds u need to be thinking about where u want to is relationship to be. U r at your timeline that he agreed was reasonable. He’s moving the goalpost & does not seem to want to marry u. It is weird that he would give u money & put the house in your name. But I would be skeptical. Put the house on the back burners & think about whether u even want to continue the relationship. If u stay, & even get a house, u r putting yourself in a place where u r a forever girlfriend, never a wife (with him), possibly setting up for a shut up ring & divorce if u actually get him down an aisle or maybe u r just a placeholder. U need to decide whether to continue with the relationship, not whether to buy a house with him.
He clearly wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Maybe he’s just nervous about it? Maybe he already has plans to propose? Some people handle it differently.
I would never advise you to break up over it, but it’s clear that this is a talk that needs to happen. Just don’t pressure him because the last thing you want is a “shut up” ring.
This sounds really strange. If you buy a house and he is contributing $ all kind of problems can arise. Maybe he’s afraid of commitment. Best to sort it out now. A hard conversation has to be had to sort your relationship out. Don’t get involved in buying a house unless you plan on it for yourself. Seems like he has one foot out of your “ new house door”.
>His response was that if I am worried we can just put it all in my name and he will transfer me money to contribute to a down payment. Is this as sketchy as I feel it is?
Why do you think it’s “sketchy”? You are suspicious of the source of his money? If not, I would say yes to his offer. I have doubts he would go through with it. But if he did, all the better for you. He is basically gifting you this money.
That said, if you want marriage, he is not your guy.
Don’t buy a house if you’re not married. If he wants to buy it himself and just add you to the deed go ahead and do that. However, if you live with him essentially you’re his bangmaid. He’ll have everything HE wants and will be less likely to commit to marriage. Recommend living apart until he’s ready to commit. Meaning a ring on finger.
As a partner, you should also be his well wisher, and to be a true partnership, you both need more open communication. Sit down with him and actually ask what his issue with marriage is? Tell him it is not financially wise for him to show his love through money, where he will not even have ownership of the house. Ask him what he wants, what he wants from the relationship, what he wants the next 3-4 years to look like. Is it an ideological issue? Is it just fear? Does he think he will be shackled or something? Will it make him too much of a grown-up? Does he fear the whole process of getting engaged, spending money on engagement and wedding? What’s the real issue?
Talk to him in a way where you’re not pushing the agenda on him, but are genuinely trying to understand him and his thought process and his value systems and priorities and life goals. And then see if your own values and priorities are aligned with his.
You don’t have to wait for him to propose. Propose to him and if he says no, you have your answer.
Other option is buy a house you can afford on your own in your name and keep dating. If he flakes out and stops contributing, you’re not left with a mortgage you can’t afford.
He wants a house without the pre-requisite commitment. NEXT!
Any man who says they are feeling pressured to propose after years together, doesn’t want the person they are with. Cut your kisses and move on. Men generally know within 2 years if they want to marry the person they are with.
Buy your own house and you will realize how less you actually needed and wanted him. You’ll be able to find your own peace in your own home under your own name paid by your own money. Then things start from there.
I dont know if theres much to talk about at this point. If an almost 30 yr cant have a serious conversation about his future with someone hes been with for almost 4 years, id say it’s a wrap. I think you should just plan to move home on your own or stay where you are but start fresh either way.
In general, We women need to stop giving guys multiple chances to talk when several attempts have been made. I get the time/money/emotional etc investment but if they cant be bothered to even talk or be honest why do women keep trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Yes easier said than done but rip the bandaid off and move forward.
Stop pressuring him if it’s obvious he isn’t ready
Nopeeeee. Marriage first then house
Don’t buy it. But if you decide to buy it in your name and you guys break up, you’ll have to keep paying by yourself, right? And if he doesn’t want to propose at year 4, like you both talked about, then maybe he doesn’t want to marry you. I think you should try to understand the real motive beyond what he says. What do you feel about that motive? What is your intuition telling you? Is it because he feels he’s too young to marry? Or is it because he’s not sure if he wants to marry you? Those are two very different situations: in one you can wait a couple more years, in the other you’re just wasting your time.
When we start questioning our partner’s real intentions, it’s usually because they’ve already shown them to us and we’re just in that initial denial.
Sounds like he’s trying to buy you off. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s unwise to buy property with someone you’re not married to.
r/waiting_to_wed
He doesn’t want to marry you. Like you said, he would rather financially & legally tie himself to a house with you than actually legally tie himself to just you.
You are waiting for him to tell you straight out that he doesn’t want to marry you- he’s not going to. He’s going to make up excuses, get upset, avoid the topic or stall by saying that he will propose in a few years, just to keep you hanging on.
Another way to look at the situation. You are essentially asking him to marry you- you are informally proposing- and he has said no. He has turned down your informal proposal.
Be careful though, if you do decide to end the relationship. Don’t be fooled if all of a sudden he buys a ring or says he will propose in a year or so. If he wanted to, he would have already done it.
I don’t think you are being overly needy or dramatic here. You had the conversation, he said his timeline was 3-4 years. You’re a few weeks from that deadline and he literally has no plan. He lied to you, he kicked the can down the road. Now he is getting upset if asked why he isn’t keeping his word.
It is a huge red flag when people are that defensive when you call them out for lying. He isn’t telling you that he changed his mind, or he has a new plan. He is gaslighting you for daring to expect him to follow through with things he has previous promised. Like you’re the crazy one.
If my wife told me she was going to pick up the kid from school and then didn’t, I’d have a lot of questions. Ditto if I said I would do something and then didn’t. We wouldn’t have some angry discussion about ‘pressure’. We’re adults, we made a commitment.
Now he is talking about the massive commitment of buying a home, signing a 30 year mortgage, and still won’t step up and even start the process with an engagement? And it’s not like he’s 18. He is nearly 30!
Honestly, it’s reading like he was just telling you what you wanted to hear and now is angry that you’re asking about how serious he was when he told you his plans. Of course, he likes the convenience of the situation, just isn’t willing to be an actual adult and follow through.
You’re right too, the legal protections afforded a spouse are far better than girlfriend who bought a house with boyfriend.
Tell him you’re not buying a house with someone you’re not married to
Do not buy a house with someone you are not legally married to. It is always, ALWAYS a bad idea.
You could buy a house yourself in your name. He can be a renter. If it goes sour, you own a house with a few partial mortgage payments and he can move out. It’s a win for you.
Years ago, my husband wanted to buy a house. I told him “cool, I’ll start looking at apartments.” He was shocked and asked why?
I told him firmly that I have a boundary that I would never add my name on a mortgage unless I was married. Told him he was more than welcome to buy a house for himself, and I wasnt going to add my name, money or time to it.
We got married that October and we bought our dream house the following July.
Don’t go into that much debt with someone who can’t commit to you. Houses ain’t cheap.
You have to sit down and have a serious talk with yourself.
Is marriage a fundamental for you?
Is marriage something you see in your future?
Is it something you are willing to give up?
Because your partner has been more than clear.
He has zero desire to get married.
He’s tired of you bringing it up (he gets upset when it gets brought up) as it’s NOT in his future. The two of you will not be getting married. He’s been clear. Direct.
He’s willing to protect your interest in a home with joint ownership. He can protect your interests in life with a will. (Maybe a legal domestic partnership) but he does not want to marry. He sees no value in it. The above is what he is willing to do.
Some people do not ever want to get married.
Ever. It’s a valid life choice.
As valid as needing to get married is for others.
Both are absolutely valid.
If marriage is not in the cards for him, and it is a must have for you? You aren’t compatible.
Waiting around for him to come around, trying to convince him…working you ass off to convince him isn’t going to get you what you want.
Neither is him letting time pass, continuing on, hoping you’ll just accept your life as is and finally drop it. Fully knowing it’s what you want.
This isn’t fair to either of you.
It’s not a matter of love. It’s a matter of values and compatibility.
If you want him, marriage isn’t going to happen. Ask yourself honestly: Can you live with never being a wife?
If you chose him and accept this future without marriage, can you truly let go, or will you feel resentment?
If the answer is no, it’s time to let go. As hard and impossible as that seems.
Find a partner who wants to be your husband. Who sees marriage as the end goal so to speak.
(And… having to force someone to be your husband… when they did not want it ever? It’s not a marriage you want. Having someone marry you only to keep you? Not a marriage you want.)
I told my now fiance that if I don’t have a ring by three years I wasn’t sticking around. He proposed on our one year anniversary.
Your boyfriend agreed when you started dating and now it’s a problem?
You’re not who he wants to marry you’re a placeholder get someone better
He has six more months. You agreed on 3-4 years. It’s 3.5 years. Be a person of your word.
He needs to sit down and figure out why it bothers him.
You have already been upfront that this is important , so him dangling this out in front of you without reason, or explaining isn’t fair
.
Most problems , outside of some dealbreakers, can be worked through with communication, respect, kindness, and yes some compromise.
But if he isn’t willing to communicate, the rest will never happen.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
I think societal norms put too much emphasis on “the proposal”, when that’s not even a necessary thing – the point is two people agreeing to get married, not a random surprise question. And proposals seem to outdated to me – this notion that women are sitting around waiting to be asked, with all the agency in men’s hands to determine when it happens.
You have agency here, too, OP, so use it. Have an honest and serious conversation about getting married – not about a “proposal”, but about marriage. Find out if you two have the same vision for your future lives and what marriage would look like, and see if you can agree that you are getting married and when.
There doesn’t have to be pressure for a proposal. He doesn’t have to “propose” – y’all need to talk about it, like adults. You can decide to get married without anyone proposing to anyone.
Because he’s a leech sweet summer child. NEVER buy a house with someone you aren’t married to,
He doesn’t want to marry you.
You have to decide if you’re ok being the perma girlfriend.
If he wanted to marry you, he would. He doesn’t want to.
You are clearly at a decison point in your relationship. Have you considered couples counseling to talk about what you want? Do you want kids?
> It also makes me worried if something were to happen to one of us, our portion of the house would go to our immediate family and there may need to be legal actions.
FWIW, that isn’t necessarily so. If the deed is written “joint with rights of survivorship” the remaining co-owner gets the whole property.