My boyfriend 29M likes to constantly be touching me 25F. When we go out in public, he’s constantly trying to kiss me…. Romantically.. like in the movies where a couple is kissing under a street light in the rain, but in the middle of a grocery store aisle. Or he’s grabbing me from behind and putting himself up against me. Both of those things are way too touchy for public spaces in my opinion. If it’s not that then he must me holding my hand or having his arm around me, which I’m more okay with (or would be 100% okay with actually if I wasn’t always touched out by him)
At home, I feel like I can’t get a single thing done because he has to be constantly touching me at home too. I’m doing the dishes, he’s hugging me from behind. I’m trying to find something, he’s turning me around to kiss him. I’m trying to do work, hes laying his head on my lap or shoulder. I’m driving, he keeps nagging at me to turn and kiss him, or he’s trying to rub my neck or caress my face.
I frequently ask him to stop doing this and to just give me some space, even for just 30 minutes, but it’s obvious to tell it makes him feel rejected. The constant touching is honestly overwhelming to me and it makes me feel overstimulated, and it leads to me to acting rude and crabby. This ends up making me feel shame as well because I obviously don’t want to be rude and grumpy towards my partner.
How do I broach this to him sensitively as to not make him feel that it has anything to do with how I feel towards him? In all other ways, he has honestly been a great boyfriend, but this issue is beginning to feel like a deal breaker for me because I just feel like I can’t ever relax and decompress with somebody always hanging off me. I don’t want to lose an otherwise great partner over something like this, but my feelings about it don’t seem to be getting across
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A great partner would respect your autonomy.
“I want her to be comfortable, it makes her uncomfortable when I do this, so I won’t do it,” is not a difficult concept. It only becomes difficult when he doesn’t actually care about your comfort so he doesn’t get why he should hold back from doing whatever he wants to you.
You do exactly what you’ve done here. You set concrete boundaries and tell him what is and isn’t OK, or for the things that are a bit nebulous, make sure that he gets your consent beforehand.
Also, while establishing these boundaries, give the reasons. Tell him about your own necessity for space and how it inhibits general life activities in addition to making you uncomfortable. He should want to make you comfortable if he’s a good BF. Tell him that it is not because you do not love him or like him or want him to touch you overall, but there is a time and place for everything , and for you those times and places are more restricted than what he seems to think they are.
Be firm, establish your boundaries, and also be clear that it is not because you do not love him or want him to touch you overall. If he cannot come to terms with that, and cannot respect your boundaries, this is likely an irreconcilable difference and will not change.
You tell him that you’re serious about it and put your foot down. I know you want to be sensitive but it’s your body and at the end of the day you have boundaries. You can explain clearly that it has nothing to do with him if he gets upset. If he’s as great as you say he is he’ll understand. If he doesn’t understand it’s a huge red flag even though it practically is one already
You need to have that conversation at a time you are not already touched out. Explain to him that you love the fact he’s that into you. But at the same time, your needs are different from his. Find some guidelines TOGETHER at how to handle this.
Define some “don’t touch” situations – for example: “if I’m focused on doing the chores, it often breaks my focus when you touch me. I’d rather finish up first and cuddle afterwards. How about you help me get things done and we can enjoy our time together after?”
Or “I feel uncomfortable kissing that much in public. Holding hands or having your arm around me is something I like. But please don’t lean against me or give me more than a quick peck when others are watching us”
Work out a period of time or some activities that you get without being touched. Explain to him that this is something you need to be actually able to enjoy all the affection he has to give.
Make sure to also ask him: what is most important to him? What situations he feels like he really wants/needs to touch you or be touched by you? You should make an effort to meet him at that too. Show him you care, even if you need a little more space.
This sounds exhaustingly needy and would be annoying to me as well.
Respect should be an easy conversation:
>Hey, I don’t like being touched every 5 mins. I need you to tone things down because its a lot to deal with.
And that should be the end of the conversation, understood by him.
Even though this is more “cute” stuff… Imagine if he was doing this regarding sex.
Always pressuring you. Always trying to initiate. You’re clearly uncomfortable and telling him to stop, not in the mood. Yet he disregards and continues to grope you anyways… It would be bad.
Even though this is hugs and kisses… You’re still telling him no, lay off of it, now is not the time. Which would be understood by someone that actually respects your autonomy.
If putting your foot down isn’t understood by him. Might be something worth reconsidering because this is basic respect for you. You shouldn’t have to feel forced into giving up your body when you’re not in the mood for it.
It’s not uncommon for one person to be unsure of how to communicate a boundary to the other person without it looking like rejection.
It’s clear you love your partner and in my opinion this difference can be solved by having a firm chat. Not in the moment that he is trying to hold you. In those simply tell him ‘not now’. Find a time both of you are relaxed and tell him you love him and you want your relationship to work but the constant touching is overwhelming you. Reassure him this is not you not appreciating him but rather you would prefer to for instance, hold hands rather than kiss in the middle of the cereal isle, cuddle while you’re watching a movie rather than when you’re trying to do the dishes etc.
If he loves you, he will hear you and respect your space. Obviously at first he might sometimes forget and you might have to remind him ‘not now’ but over time he should get better.
This is how I would deal with it. I know a lot of people on this sub will suggest breaking up but honestly for me relationships require communication, compromising and adjusting before calling it quits.
Hello. Yes, I call it a cling-on. Okay, so he has an attachment issue for sure. Think about after sex time, is he less cling-on. The public thing I do get it I usally only see high school aged people do this cling-on thing. Ask your self, how is the sex life part, Having sex or getting him off. He sounds a bit horney and maybe his needs are not being met and if that was met then he should have way less sexual desire to hump you or what not. Haha I will say sometimes when the Wife is doing dishes I come by with a big bleep and sex her right there. I do not cling-on though. So yea there is worse aka me haha.
Are you generally not a touchy person or is a sign of how you feel him? I’m only asking because when I’ve felt like the above in a relationship it’s because I wasn’t that into them.
He sounds needy af
The ick is coming
sounds like he’s just a dickhole who doesn’t understand personal boundaries
He is 29 and presumably knows how to keep his hands (and mouth) to himself in other settings. He knows – because you have asked/told him – that this is too much. And who the fuck expects the person driving to turn away from the road to kiss?
He doesn’t care.
He may seem like a good guy in other ways because he’s not being mean and at first this probably seemed romantic but he doesn’t respect your autonomy and space and comfort when it comes to touch (and PDA).
Why do you have to be sensitive while he doesn’t give two shits how it makes you feel to be constantly grabbed and pawed at. He knows it’s not a reflection of your feelings for him presumably because he’s an adult. He would not like it if someone followed him around interfering in everything he did.
I’m not into PDA….. ever. But I wish my husband was a bit more affectionate. Hand holding is one thing but yours is over the top. Tell him it’s not as important if he does it non stop. It just becomes habit and you would appreciate it if it were a bit less often you could enjoy the attention more
He doesn’t seem to care about what you need and want. It’s all about HIS needs.
He’s not great and I’ll bet there are a lot of other things where he steamrolls right over your boundaries.
I needed space after reading your comment. This doesn’t sound like it’s something that will get better. He’ll probably stalk you if you try to break up.
How are you able to live apart? Or are you living together?
Why do his feelings matter more than yours? You’ve asked him not to do this, you’ve explained why and instead of listening and doing what he’s asked, he sulks. He’s not interested in you,he’s interested in his feelings for you, there’s a worrying difference.
some drown while others die of thirst…
you’re not compatible and he doesn’t respect what you’re asking of him. it’s also hard and kind of not fair to change the way you give or receive love if that’s just how you are. good luck with everything.
I have the tendency to take better care of whomever I’m dating than I do myself, so how would that work? 🤔🤯
This would be super annoying. He needs to grow up and cut it out.
What worked for me, although for my husband it was more about wanting to be together all the time and not having his own hobbies.
“Honey, I love you so, so much. I know and appreciate that you enjoy physical touch so much, but when you push it on me when I’m touched out it makes me not want to hang out with you as much and that breaks my heart. I really want to WANT to be around as often as we can, and to do that I need you to hear me and respect me when I say I’m touched out.”
There’s a variation of what I told my husband that made it click for him, but more specific to your situation