My boyfriend (29) has his birthday one week before mine. I (26) had already made plans with him for the day and what we could do. Three days before his birthday, his sister-in-law started a group chat to plan a surprise party for him. She ignored my input about his wishes for the day. The plan was changed multiple times, about 25 people were added to the group, and the information (location, schedule) kept changing – in short, the planning was disorganized and chaotic.
(Additional info: They don’t have a particularly good relationship. She often has arguments with his parents and his younger sister, so it was even stranger that she wanted to plan something at all.)
I tried several times privately to fix the details so we could inform the other guests, but she ignored me repeatedly. I felt completely sidelined during the planning and was frustrated because the few things my boyfriend actually wanted were ignored and other things were decided without consulting him (or me).
On the day itself, she did nothing apart from bringing the cake (and ordering balloons from Amazon, which I set up). The cake also wasn’t what my boyfriend wanted, even though I had mentioned it several times. I ended up taking care of the guests, doing the cleanup before and after, and organizing everything.
I had a feeling that she spoke badly about me and complained to my boyfriend. I asked him directly if she said anything, and he denied it.
Here’s where I made a mistake: I was sure she had said something about me, so I looked through his phone – and in her messages, I did find things like: “She better not get cheeky.” That made me really angry, because my boyfriend knew what had happened, how she had taken over the planning and ignored me, yet he didn’t contradict her or tell her to sort things out with me directly instead of twisting the facts behind my back and talking about me. I’m pretty sure she’ll tell a similar version of events to his parents, painting herself in a good light.
My boyfriend confronted me the night before my birthday about going through his phone (after I admitted it myself, since I wanted to talk about the messages and the “conflict” with his sister-in-law). I didn’t defend myself or argue, I just listened and admitted he was right. I told him I wasn’t going to try to excuse or talk my way out of it. It was simply wrong.
The next day (my birthday), he looked grumpy throughout the breakfast with family and friends. As soon as he finished eating, he got up and sat on the couch (in the same room). I asked him several times to come back to the table, but he ignored me. Later, while smoking outside, he asked what we were going to do today (while playing a game on his phone), and I said: “First thing, you could put your phone away.” He then got visibly annoyed and raised his voice a little in front of a friend.
Later, when we were alone and I asked why he was in such a bad mood and said I didn’t like his tone, he threw the whole “reading my messages” thing at me again. The mood was completely ruined, and the argument escalated, so we went home. I ended up just crying and trying to get through the rest of the day. We had a dinner reservation, which we went to out of obligation.
Today, he’s like a different person, he apologized and said he wants to put it behind us, since we both made mistakes. I still understand why he was upset, but I also feel he didn’t have to ruin my entire birthday. On his birthday, I didn’t let the stress with his sister-in-law show and did my best to make sure he had a good day. I only brought it up a day later, because it was bothering me.
I also feel he could’ve told his sister-in-law that things didn’t go the way she’s presenting them, and that she should talk to me about it. Instead, by staying silent, he basically validated her version of events and made me look like the bad guy. I don’t know if I need advice or maybe just an outside perspective on the situation. (Also this was not the first time I looked through his phone, which set him off even more and I do understand but he has a history of deleting things, omitting things or telling me a different story, so I checked before and found out that my gut feeling is right; ik that its still wrong of me; I also always let him have my phone, theres nothing for me to hide but he’s always defensive with his phone)
TLDR:
I had already made plans for my boyfriend’s birthday, but his sister-in-law suddenly took over the organization, ignored my input, and planned everything chaotically. I felt left out and read his messages out of frustration – and found nasty comments from her about me, without him defending me. On my own birthday, he acted cold and distant because of the phone incident and brought me down. Now he has apologized, but I still feel hurt and misunderstood while still being my own fault in it.
Comments
You were wrong to go through his phone, but your gut was right and the bigger problem is how he let someone trash you behind your back without stepping in. That’s not partnership. That’s passivity.
He let his sister-in-law hijack his birthday, ignored how much effort you put in, then punished you emotionally on your birthday while playing victim. That apology is convenient, but it does not erase the fact that he stood silent when you needed support and only snapped out of it after ruining your day.
If this relationship is going to work, you need to stop spying and he needs to stop avoiding. Tell him directly: you need transparency, respect, and backup when people disrespect you. Otherwise this cycle will repeat.
You both screwed up, but only one of you is carrying the emotional weight.
Good luck.