I (29F) have been dating my boyfriend (30M) for almost a year now, and things have been awesome. We share similar interests, values, and goals and consistently talk about our future together. We work well as a couple and can work through conflict incredibly well together, but it seems like we’re hitting a wall with some of his boundaries regarding his female friendships.
For context, he met these girls as part of a friend group around 2018 (guys and gals) through his then girlfriend (who we will call X). The three girls (29-30F) I will mention here were best friends & roommates with X. After my bf and X broke up, X moved out of the country and stayed close with the group of friends.
Fast forward to us dating. Very early on, he mentioned the boundary of how much he values his friendships, specifically the female ones because this was an issue in his last relationship. I respected this because I have guy friends too and I trust that it is possible to have opposite sex relationships.
Now a year in, the girls in this group are STILL very cliquey and distant to me, but super warm & chummy with my bf. At first I didn’t think much of it, sometimes it takes time to open up to people. I have tried to reach out and make friends with them personally but they consistently blow me off, but I see them texting him 1:1 very frequently! The texts are perfectly innocent, and I truly don’t think there is anything inappropriate going on, but the whole thing feels…. Weird. He says “my close friends don’t have to be your close friends too, I’m proud of you for trying”. But shouldn’t they be trying too?!
I’ve expressed some discomfort in their constant communication, the fact that they are “nice” enough but obviously only tolerate me, and he very fiercely defends them and immediately takes it to “this better not be a them or you situation”.
I feel that a man who loves a woman should prioritize her feelings, not prioritize having an emotional connection with other women. Even if it is platonic. I would never ask him to stop being friends with them, btw.
I need help navigating this, because I am truly not coming from a place of jealousy, and I have really tried. Again, I have no problem with female friends but the way they treat me is hurtful and he seems more willing to defend his relationship with them than the relationship with me.
TLDR; a woman (29F) is in a nearly one-year relationship with her boyfriend (30M). While their relationship is strong, she feels uncomfortable with his close friendships with three women who were part of his ex’s friend group. Despite her efforts to connect with them, the women remain distant, and her boyfriend defends them, which makes her feel unsupported in the relationship. She seeks advice on navigating her feelings without appearing jealous.
Comments
What would prioritising your feelings look like in this situation?
Do you want him to berate his friends for you or reduce contact?
You agreed to respect his boundary when it comes to his friends… but now you’re creating an issue out of nothing.
Why would his friends need to be more than cordial with you? There’s no mention of the male friends here, why do you care about the female friends so much?
You’ve been together less than a year, it’s going to take time for his people to get to know you.
Or they’re just being respectful to their friend who originally dated him.
Your feelings are super valid & it’s shitty that they aren’t more welcoming to you (though maybe understandable based on them being friends with his ex).
Assuming the friendships are truly platonic, and given he’s already a bit sensitive about having to choose between his friends and his partner – is it possible that you are taking issues with the fact that they are women, even though you’ve expressed that you don’t have an issue with that?
It doesn’t sound like he spends more time with them than you, is engaging in an emotional affair, or is doing stuff with them that excludes you. Would you have the same concerns if these were male friends?
To be clear – if it turns out you are uncomfortable after all, that’s totally acceptable. It’s just something that you & your boyfriend are going to need to set new boundaries around.
(This is just taking him being close with all his ex’s friends at face value – is it weird that his closest friend group is her previous friends? Does he have guy friends from before?)
If you’re not happy with the relationship, break up with him. It doesn’t seem likely that the situation you describe will change.
Personally I think it’s great if a guy has close female friends, but of course it becomes the opposite if they take possession of him. Sounds like that’s the situation, and it won’t change, you know that.