So I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for a while now, and recently something happened that’s made me feel pretty uneasy and a bit hurt.
He has a female friend from university who he’s known for a while. He’s told me before about some of the personal issues she’s had in her own relationships, and honestly, based on those stories, she seems a bit emotionally immature, while my boyfriend is quite the opposite. I’ve never felt like there’s anything romantic between them — I know there’s no attraction there — but I have told him before that I’ve gotten a weird vibe about her. I couldn’t even really explain it, it was just a gut feeling.
A while back, he told me he was going to uni to run some “errands,” and later mentioned that she had called him really upset because she had just broken up with her boyfriend. He comforted her and I was fine with that at the time. But fast forward to this week — he told me he was going to the gym after work, and I just had this gut feeling again, like something wasn’t being said. So I asked him if he was going with her, and he replied, “I told her I’ll be there so might see her there — but I’m working out on my own.”
That rubbed me the wrong way. I asked why he even told her he’d be at the gym if they weren’t working out together, and he got defensive. He ended up skipping the gym and said we should talk about it.
When we got home, I tried to calmly explain how I don’t feel comfortable with him going to the gym with this girl — it just doesn’t feel respectful. I know everyone’s relationships are different, but I wouldn’t feel right if I was regularly working out with a guy friend and not telling my boyfriend about it, or going to the beach with him when he was upset over a breakup. That would feel weird and inappropriate to me, and I imagine my boyfriend would feel uncomfortable too.
I asked how many times they’ve worked out together and he admitted to three. I asked why he didn’t just tell me, and he said, “because I didn’t want to start an argument.”
That just feels… off to me. It’s not even about her — it’s about the fact that he kept it from me. If everything is innocent, why hide it? He said it wasn’t meant to be shady, but it feels like it was.
I asked to look at their messages and saw that not only had they gone to the gym together more than he mentioned, but they also went to the beach together (when she broke up with her partner) — and he never told me about that either.
Honestly, that broke a bit of trust for me. I feel like if roles were reversed, and I did that without telling him, he’d feel weird too. I don’t know if I’m overreacting, or if I have a right to feel like this. He eventually said he understands why I feel uncomfortable, but I’m still left with this uneasy feeling that makes me not trust him fully.
I don’t know whether i am overthinking this or whether it is a valid concern.
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If he had been honest with you, would it have started an argument? Have you argued about this specific friend before (other than you mentioning the vibes)?
If the answer to both is a big honest no, it is really weird that he wouldn’t tell you straight up. Hiding things is never a good look in a relationship.
“No, you didn’t mention it because you knew you were doing something wrong and it doesn’t look good. The trust is now broken and your actions and language betrayed you. If it were totally innocent, you would have mentioned this from the start.”
If this story is true (it is Reddit), even the way he speaks is just like a politician trying to cover himself: “there is a possibility that she might be there at the same time”.
A few months later, they’re together. Trust your gut!
If he is spending time with somebody, but being dishonest about that, it’s a cause for concern. Not that it indicates that there is anything going on such as him cheating, but instead that he is being dishonest with you about how he is spending his time. It begs the question: why?
I would take it as an axiom that he can spend his time with whoever he likes, and it is not ever appropriate in a relationship for one partner to authorise who the other spends their time with or who they can be friends with. If you do not like who he is friends with, the solution is either to just deal with it and accept it, or to break up. There isn’t a middle ground between those two things which won’t cause resentment.
He plainly feels as though telling you he is spending time with this particular friend will cause an argument, so he thinks it’s easier to simply not say if he is seeing her. That however is a sign of much bigger issues. It may be that he feels that you are trying to control his friendships and so they have to take place in secret. It requires a deeper conversation, as dishonesty in a relationship will make it unworkable.
I think you have the right to feel uncomfortable and he should not make you feel like you’re overreacting in feeling that way. What it really comes down to is talking to him more about it — tell him how you feel again and that you want to fix this. That broken trust can only be worked on by having a quality conversation and setting boundaries with him.
If he’s keeping things secret, it’s a concern. He wouldn’t have any trouble telling you who he’s going with if there’s nothing to hide.
He may be emotionally mature but he’s not open or respectful. He’s too old for you. Find someone who understands your wavelength and mindset.
I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband many years ago, and it’s one of the main reasons he became an ex. It’s not about the female friend at all, or at least it wasn’t for me. Over the years that we were together, I was continually catching him in more and more lies. Most of them were stupid little lies. He would tell me that he was working late and a friend would see him at the mall looking at video games. His response was always that he didn’t want to start a fight or that he didn’t want to upset me, but most of it wasn’t stuff that would have upset me anyway. It was the constant lying that was upsetting. How can you possibly maintain any degree of trust with someone who is willing to lie to you just to avoid a disagreement?
With mine, it was an ongoing pattern. I gave him multiple chances, tried to get him to go to relationship counseling with me, and worked on my own temper as well. Nothing changed. We had other issues as well.
If his lies were a one-time thing, there could still be room to work on things in your case, but please be cautious and remain alert. In my experience, this becomes a habitual thing and not something to waste your time on.
I think there is a fine line here because your feelings are valid but you also seem to have no concerns of actual cheating so it’s hard. Your boundary is yours you cannot force him not to be friends with her or HOW to be friends with her. The choice has to be his, so if you are uncomfortable with the friendship the best thing to do is leave him.
Saying things like “why would you tell her you’re going to the gym” if you think about it honestly you are questioning something that in itself is an innocent thing to say to any friend in a conversation. “Hey, how are you, how’s your day going, what you up to later” “I’m good thanks, works crazy, just finishing up gonna hit the gym later and then relax at home” just an example of how innocently you could tell someone what you’re doing with your day. I can see how if you are questioning him about things as small as this why he would then think it’s easier not to mention seeing her at all.
Do you require him to tell you everytime he sees any of his other friends? I’m not trying to bash you but make you see how this just cannot work. Both me and my partner meet up with friends male or female, to catch up for drinks, the gym etc neither of us expect the other to announce who we are with every single time because we trust each other and respect that we are both loyal and committed to our relationship. You clearly do not have this feeling here and so your choices are get over it or leave. You are both entitled to live the way you want and you are entitled to be in a relationship with someone that you feel respects your boundaries or believes in conducting their friendships with the same respect you do.