My boyfriend (31M) and I (25F) are having issues with our sex life. Here’s some context.
We’ve been together for 4 years, have an 18mo daughter, and have lived together for 3. Our sex life started out great, steamy and sensual. He’s definitely vanilla, and I would say I am too, unless my partner isn’t vanilla. I’ve been wild in the bed in previous relationships, but he just doesn’t try to pull that out of me, so it doesn’t come out.
I’ve struggled with body image as long as I can remember. I’ve been told I’m “too skinny” by literally everyone my whole life. I really started struggling with it about 4 years ago when I hit my lowest weight.
Through the years of poor body image, I think my interest in sex has just decreased. I feel uncomfortable in my skin, so I don’t like to be naked or put on lingerie as I just don’t think I look good. Obviously, when I voiced this to my boyfriend, he’s always said I think you look great. That’s nice and all but at the end of the day, I don’t feel validated or understood. Right now we’re in a tough spot because he feels unwanted. He says I never initiate sex, which leads him to feel unwanted, which I understand. I’ve tried to explain that it’s not that I don’t want him. It’s that I’m disgusted with myself and don’t like putting myself in situations where my body will be seen therefore, sex is at the bottom of my list. I still think about having sex with him all the time I want him to pursue me I want to feel like he wants me. I want to feel like he loves my body, but because of the way I feel about my body that seems impossible. He doesn’t seem to understand or try to validate me in how I feel. He just says he’s tired of the way our sex life is but he doesn’t have any suggestions either.
TL;DR : my poor body image has caused a poor sex life and I don’t know how to fix it… he doesn’t wanna initiate because he wants to feel wanted and I have anxiety when I even think of initiating.
What am I supposed to do???????? And please, I really can’t afford therapy right now.
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So. This is so sad. He wants sex with you. You want sex with him. But. You want him to crave and love your body. Which he does. You don’t believe him and you never will until you love it yourself. He wants sex with you because you turn him on. You are expecting him to give you something he can’t. He’s told you that you look great. He’s said he wants your body. This is something you need to address in therapy. Alone. I strongly recommend you do this. Eventually you could lose your relationship if you don’t address the body dysmorphia. Disgusting is a really strong word and that indicates body dysmorphia and he can’t fix that. You’re going to have to do the work in therapy.
If you can’t afford therapy then I would start by buying some good books about body image.
You have to love yourself before you can even see anyone else’s love for you.
Why don’t you feel validated or understood? Is there a divide in the emotional intimacy you two have?
You’re suggesting that there’s a deeper disconnection going on in the relationship beyond just sex causing not feeling seen
If loving your body feels impossible, you can focus on body neutrality. Feeling fine/not overly identifying with it and appreciating for what it allows you to do (including sex)
This is a tough predicament. Essentially, you understand that your poor self-esteem issues are at the crux of all your problems. Despite wanting to get out of this spot, your poor self-esteem has sort of paralyzed you. Your post is full of contradictions (in the nicest way possible, because I do get what you mean). You want him to want you, but you don’t allow him to want you. You want him to understand and validate you, but you don’t even do that for yourself. You want to have sex, but you don’t allow yourself to actually do it. You don’t have interest in sex, but you think about it all the time. You want to change, but you just can’t. You’re in a vicious cycle right now that needs to be fixed now.
Break the cycle today. Say something nice to yourself every day from now on. “No one’s figure is perfect, including mine. Nonetheless, my body is pretty great! It’s been with me for 25 years. It’s reliable. It’s carried my child. My partner is attracted to it. I like ____ part of my body.” Here’s a really great article. It doesn’t make up for a lack of therapy, but it’s a good starting point.
Sometimes I have low self-esteem and a good way to get me out of that funk is to replace myself with someone I love. In this case, I would use your daughter. Would you want your daughter to look at her body in shame or disgust, in the same way you look at your own? If not, then ask yourself why you think it’s okay to think that way about yourself? You’re a human being deserving of love and respect, too.
Another good way to get out of a funk would be to ask yourself: how is this useful? Okay, you don’t like how much you weigh. Fine, but how will repeating that to yourself over and over be helpful? It’s not. It helps to take a deep breath when we become super self-critical and sort of block those thoughts off.
As for actual sex, I’m sure there are things you can do to mitigate it. Your boyfriend could blindfold himself. You can blindfold yourself. You guys can have sex with no lights on or very dim lights. There are options here, but you just got to take the leap to actually do them.
I mean, your excuse sounds pretty lame, sorry, but… don’t you think that HE would like to feel desired and wanted by his partner, too??? This isn’t an excuse to never have sex again. You definitely need therapy, I don’t know how you think this issue can get resolved unless you fix your personal “body dysmorphia” issue. It might be worth investing in therapy, if you value your relationship, because most people can only go without sex for so long.