We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 4 years, since he works away. We usually only see each other twice a week, which puts extra pressure on things.
The main issue is communication and the lack of clarity of when the distance will end. I don’t feel heard when I express how his behavior affects me and he has a very combative communication style and attitude. He either invalidates my feelings or turns them into a fight, like I’m attacking him and in the end I always feel guilty for bringing things up. Over time, this made me avoid difficult conversations, which I think built up resentment on both sides.
Two weeks ago, we had a big argument over text. I told him I was sad due to the lack of connection and not seeing each other a lot lately, and he saw it as an attack and brought up a bunch of unrelated past issues. I asked him to call me so we could talk properly, but he refused and said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not going to call you. I have nothing else to say.” I told him I would respect his space and he never said anything else.
Now I don’t know what to do. I think it’s really immature that he won’t even talk in person when he’s back on the weekend. I don’t know if we’ve broken up or if I should reach out, or if I should just move on. I feel emotionally exhausted and disrespected.
What would you do in this situation? I feel so down, for once I would like for him to mature and reach out. But that probably won’t happen. It just makes me sad.
TLDR: My boyfriend (31M) and I (29F) had a fight 10 days ago, and now there’s been complete silence. I don’t know if we’re broken up. I feel emotionally invalidated and exhausted and like there’s no hope for this relationship.
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Send him a message asking what the purpose of this long silence is, or ask him what he wants. That way, you’ll quickly know where you stand.
He’s 31 one and acting this way?!? Nah, he’s immature. You deserve better. That’s teenager behavior, not the behavior of a grown ass man. If you apologize and cave in, you’ll spend your life having to apologize because he refuses to have grown up conversations.
I’d run, not walk away
I was in this situation, except no fighting, and I would say just never even seeing each other either. We’d just play video games or call occasionally. Similar ages too, we are just a little older. I am going to go ahead and say that just like me, it seems that you are investing too much emotion into this to be receiving little to nothing in return. If there is no goal to close the distance and he is not making any attempts to even meet you halfway, you are wasting your time and only making yourself miserable in the process. I understand all too well when you love someone you want them to give you affection, to share the same enthusiasm, to be there for you and we often will wait too long to see if there will be a change. My regret is not having called it off myself. But someone like that is not worth investing yourself in if they won’t do it for you.
>He either invalidates my feelings or turns them into a fight, like I’m attacking him and in the end I always feel guilty for bringing things up. Over time, this made me avoid difficult conversations
That’s why he does it. It worked.
>What would you do in this situation?
On an absolute blowup knockdown once or twice in a decade fight, you get one night to cool down and come back. At the 24 hour mark, I would assume the other person had broken up with me, and if they hadn’t, I call them and make it official myself.
At ten days, I would assume you were broken up, put all his shit in bankers boxes and text him to let him know it’s on the front porch.
Life is too short to tiptoe on eggshells around someone who acts like a pouty kindergartener.
I’d consider myself single
I think it is unacceptable to not reach out to your partner for ten days. I think he thinks he can avoid the confrontation and your concerns this way, and now your original issue has spiraled into an entirely different issue. That he clearly expects you to fix and clean up and feel guilty about. If my man ignored me for ten days (because that is what he is doing) and did not even attempt to check in and make sure I am okay, wether he is angry or not, I’d be out. That is just such inconsiderate behavior, especially to your partner that you have been with four years! You wanted more communication and instead he ghosted you. Does that not tell you all you need to know? He’s not that into you.
I was in a relationship just like yours. He was immature, didn’t respect me and he never changed or even realised how hurtful he was.
I spent so long walking on eggshells just to avoid triggering him. I stopped being happy. I made myself smaller and smaller just to be tolerated by him until I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore. It made me realize how important it is to be able to just be yourself without someone trying to control what you’re allowed to express and not.
In my case that control came through punishment by silence, invalidating my feelings, projection of his own issues, turning everything into an attack on me, stonewalling, or short cold answers anytime I brought up something important or how I felt.
You deserve a partner who doesn’t make you feel like a burden for having feelings, someone who listens to you and want you to feel safe, not someone you have to tiptoe around.
It doesn’t get better.. you will just keep shrinking while hoping that he grows.
Run and choose yourself. There are so many emotionally mature and better men out there who you will be happy with!
Just text him one last time and write that since he is either dead, in jail, in a coma, broken both his arms, or incommunicado in some other way, you assume you are over. Thank him for the memories and say buh-bye.
He acts this way because his manipulative tactics always bring you to heel with very little effort on his part.
He sounds like a nasty individual who only cares about what he wants and getting it by any means, fair or foul.
Why are you still with him as opposed to breaking things off and taking time to recover?
Delete his number (ideally also from your memory) and move on. He doesn’t have anything more to say, it’s over.
Long distance indefinitely and won’t communicate/ actively dislikes communicating… the point of this relationship being? (Spoiler: wasting your time, that’s the point)
Just know that he believes the silence and the fight was 100% your fault. He will not be reaching out. Move on. He sucks.
Don’t grovel. Be done. Don’t reach out in any way. Move on.
I would just text him and ask if that’s the only way he’ll talk to you. But if youre not broken up, I think you should be. Thats kinda gaslighting no? If you bring up a real feeling with actual cause and walk away feeling guilty and wrong? Maybe send him a break up text? Like im not going to be treated this way, and this is officially a break up, you can pick up whats at my house or I can ship it.
it’s over. if it isn’t, make it so.
If my SO doesn’t talk to me for any reason for ten days, I consider myself single. Fuck that guy. He had a chance to reach out and mend things but he chose not to, and that’s your queue to value yourself and your own mental health and sanity. Life is so much more than waiting for a man to text you back.
It’s reddit so I know there’s more than has been said (even if only due to character limits), but truly you sound like you aren’t compatible communicators and it doesn’t seem like there’s a willingness on his side to do anything differently.
And for the last while what he has been doing is working in his favour.
Personally, I’m the one that needs space to process, and I give my partner a timeline for that (I need to think this through, can we revisit tomorrow night or whatever), and I confirm that it’s not about withholding from them, or pulling away; it’s just how my brain works.
Someone using silence as a weapon to get their way is someone I would not waste my time on. Caring about someone means being able to have difficult moments and learning and growing together.
You know the patterns here. You know how you feel. You know he has chosen not to change or compromise. And I don’t think you’re here because you think any of this is healthy or acceptable.
There seems to be so much there to fight for. 🙄
Move on.
Move on
If there is lack of clarity of when the long distance will end, then you really aren’t in a serious relationship… I mean maybe 1 year, or two at max, of long distance dating is fair and then you know if you want to move closer and give it a real shot or not. Four years? Op you are not his girlfriend you are his friend that he sees on the side.
When is the last time you went to his home, is he married…?
I personally wouldn’t reach out… it seems that this relationship isn’t working for either of you
Why keep dating someone who is bad at it? You wouldn’t keep on an employee who couldn’t do their job, and you wouldn’t expect to keep a relationship with someone you treated like shit, would you? So why is he still around? Your partner’s purpose is emotional intimacy. If he can’t or won’t fulfill that purpose, you should find someone who can.
He sounds immature. You need to make decisions for your future and how you want to be treated, not just hoping things will improve over time. If this behavior is unacceptable to you, it’s time to move on. People don’t change while we keep validating their behavior by putting up with them. Good luck to you.
If he acts this way and you are not living together just imagine the hell
it would be if you do move in.
Consider this a break-up call and end this.
Assume that you are over but don’t reach out necessarily. You know, in all likelihood, that he will return at some point for the horizontal tango. Your proper response at that point would be, “You cannot be serious”.
If you wanted to attempt to repair things, proceed with standards of behavior and gauge his response. Good luck!
I’d assume it’s over and that’s a good thing. You don’t need a relationship where communication sucks and your questions or concerns are met with aggression. You’re left walking on eggshells or fighting. Neither is healthy.
When some ghosts you, let the dead rest in peace. He sounds horrible. Why are you with someone you can’t talk to without him attacking you? Come on, you deserve better. Block him and move on.