TL;DR: My boyfriend is going to a birthday party for a girl he used to sleep with, didn’t tell me who it was at first, didn’t invite me, and got angry when I said it made me uncomfortable. I said something hurtful out of frustration and now he’s blaming me for everything. I feel awful and don’t know if I was wrong to speak up.
Hi everyone,
I need some perspective because right now I feel completely guilty and like I’ve done something wrong.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a few months. We’ve had some ups and downs but overall it’s been a decent relationship. One thing that’s always been a bit weird though is that I’ve never met any of his friends. He’s always said he and his friends don’t really do “couples” stuff, that they don’t meet each other’s partners, that it’s just how they are. I didn’t love it, but I let it go.
Early on when we were dating, he told me about a girl he used to sleep with. They knew each other from uni. According to him it wasn’t a relationship but she wanted it to be one and he didn’t. This was about six months before he met me. At the time I didn’t make a big deal about it, it was just part of his past.
Fast forward to last night. He told me he’s going to one of his friend’s birthday parties. He didn’t say who. For some reason I had a gut feeling it might be that girl. I don’t even know why, maybe because he mentioned her before. So I asked him directly if it was her. He said yes.
He told me she’s got a boyfriend now and obviously he’s with me, so it’s all fine. But for me it didn’t feel fine. I told him I felt uncomfortable. Not because I think he’s going to cheat at the party, but because this isn’t just some random friend. This is someone he slept with who once wanted to be with him. To me, that’s not really a normal friendship anymore, and celebrating her birthday feels like a boundary issue.
Instead of understanding, he got really defensive. He told me I was being insecure and that I ruin everything. He said no one in his life has ever made him feel as bad as I do. He also said “who gives a fuck” when I tried to explain why it mattered to me. He basically made me feel like I was crazy and pathetic for even bringing it up.
I’ll admit, I didn’t handle it perfectly either. We don’t really have sex much because he has some issues, and I got upset and blurted out something I didn’t even mean I said maybe he’s cheating on me and that’s why we don’t have sex. I know that was wrong and I apologised later. I don’t actually think he’s cheating. I was just hurt and frustrated.
After that, he said I’d ruined his night and maybe he won’t even go to the party now. He said I attacked him instead of asking nicely. He told me he didn’t want to talk anymore and threatened to block me if I messaged again.
By the end of the night I felt so horrible and guilty that I honestly just wanted to disappear. It felt like the entire blame for the whole situation was dumped on me. Like somehow I was the one who had done something terrible just for saying how I felt.
But at the same time I can’t shake the thought that my reaction was understandable. I really don’t think I’m an insecure or controlling person. I’ve never told him who he can or can’t see. But I honestly don’t think it’s normal to still go to a birthday party for someone you slept with who once wanted to date you, especially when your partner clearly feels uncomfortable and you didn’t even tell them who it was at first.
It also hurts that after more than a year together I’ve never met any of his friends, yet he’s going to this party without even thinking about bringing me or asking how I’d feel. It makes me feel like he’s embarrassed of me or doesn’t see me as part of his world.
I know I could have worded things better last night. But I also wish he could have paused for a second and thought “I can see why this would bother her” instead of going straight to calling me insecure and ruining everything. He said this girl is turning 30 and is a big birthday, there will be lots of his friends, which he doesn’t meet often, and that’s the main reason why he wants to go there.
So now I’m here feeling awful, confused, and guilty. Did I overreact, or is this actually a fair boundary to have?
Comments
Nah, you didn’t overreact. It’s totally valid to feel uncomfortable when your partner hides something like that and then brushes off your feelings. The way he shut down the conversation and called you insecure instead of trying to understand makes it worse. Trust and respect go both ways, and it sounds like he’s not making you feel like a priority in his life, especially if you’ve never met his friends after a year. You deserve to be treated with more consideration. Hopefully you both can have a calm convo about boundaries when things cool down.
Babe, you have to know that you aren’t wrong. Even if you might be wrong about the exacts the feels you have are valid. I would not be able to come back for this disrespect. You deserve better
He literally told you “Who gives a fuck” when you tried to explain why it matters to you. When people show you who they are the first time, please believe them! Your time, energy, and love are absolutely WASTED on this guy.
I know it must feel like literal death and scary as hell, but I don’t think you’ll regret walking away from this kind of disrespect. He’s manipulative and emotionally immature. He also has zero respect for your feelings. Please don’t stay with someone who makes you feel this way.
ETA: Just re-read this and jfc 1 year and a few months together and you haven’t properly met his friends yet? The man’s dropping red flags like candy. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Please put yourself first. Sending you all the love and hugs I can muster!
I would say he might not have been in the wrong for going to the party but he’s in the wrong for 1. Hiding it and 2. His horrible reaction and treatment of you for sure