This is so strange for me to be writing because I never thought we’d be here.
We have been dating for a little over 10 years now and he has never said anything close to so hurtful before. Of late we have set up a business together and because we are working all the time our sex life has hit an all time low.
I have always had a higher sex drive than him and have tried to initiate in the past and last night it was the same and he seemed excited to go for it. It wasn’t the best sex we’ve ever had but it was good enough and as per usual we asked each other how it was, are you happy etc. and he said it was good but my teeth scraped him a bit when I was down on him.
I felt really terrible and apologised and he tried to brush it off. Like I said, he has a lower sex drive than me so I was a bit worried that this might make him not want to engage for a while so I just said maybe we can try again and I’ll make it worth it and he just said no and while laughing said, “jeez it’s alright, no biggie, why are you acting like a whore who won’t get paid.”
I just stopped in my tracks, my face fell I guess because he immediately started apologising and said he didn’t mean it and when I asked why would he say it then he just kept saying it was a spur of the moment joke in poor taste and he shouldn’t have said that.
I slept in the guest room and he’s just been sitting in the living room all night I guess because he looks like he hasn’t slept. I don’t even know what to say to him, I feel so terrible he would even think something like that about me.
But on the other hand, in 10 years this is the first time he said something like this so maybe I’m overreacting? I’m confused and want advice on the future of our relationship. Is this reason enough to call quits? If I don’t do that, how do I approach this relationship to make sure this doesn’t happen again?
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Why would he ever say something like that? That’s so fucked up. Good lord the amount of men who would kill for a woman so eager for intimacy after 10 years. Me and my wife have only been together for 6 years, and I can’t imagine jokingly calling her a whore.
I’m pretty sure this was less about you being worthless (and I’m not sure why a prostitute is worthless to begin with but that’s a different topic) but about giving the vibe of having something to prove. Of making it too much about his pleasure.
It’s a dumb joke. That’s definitely within the field of things that can usually be fixed with an apology, as long as it’s an isolated incident and not a pattern. People say dumb things sometimes.
I think this has more to do with you feeling worried and frustrated that he is not as much into sex as you are. Some people actually get turned on by these kind of banter, so it’s more about the situation than the words being said. Unless like the previous commenter has noted it’s a pattern and he sees sex workers as an insult, which would say more about him than you. But since it’s not, the it’s more maybe about your current insecurity of keeping your sex life alive.
Your exbf is going to wish he didnt call you that
I think he just meant that you were trying too hard. And based on his reaction, him apologizing to you and feeling bad about it, I personally would forgive him.
Personally I might have made a joke out if it and said, wait I’m not getting paid for this? I’m taking you off my client list.
I think the greater issue is that his libido is lower than yours and it makes you insecure.
It was metaphorical. Some of us don’t realize the gravity of the situation before it blows up when it was spoken with the word “acting like.” Its not a value judgment. Couples have a vastly better time when they like dirty talk, cause it stays in the bedroom.
After ten years and this is the first time he said it? Seems like it was just an off handed remark intended as a joke, without really thinking of who it was being directed at. He was probably tired after his orgasm and wasn’t really thinking. He apologised immediately after realising his mistake. I wouldn’t read too much into it. We are all human and say stupid shit from time to time.
it’s weird and more disrespectful.., maybe he’s the type who likes to curse when having sex but holding it for you or he thought you might laugh (not to defend him but some friends joke like this between them not sex¡),
setting boundaries is good telling him cursing is not funny nor hot for you, talk more about how you both can improve your sexual life maybe slap his cheeks (down ones) when you want more.
just don’t let it slide with an apology even if it wasn’t really his intention to say it or wanted to say but didn’t expect it to hurt you, i personally don’t think it’s a deal breaker atp if happens again prob since you should discuss boundaries at least about what happened.
If my hubby said this to me I would laugh.
You are valid in feeling hurt and it sounds like he made a very rude and thoughtless comment when he felt frustrated. But calling off 10 years of a relationship based on one hurtful comment is unimaginable to me – are there other underlying issues in the relationship? If not I’m not sure why you’d jump straight to breaking up, unless the word he used is triggering some deeper insecurity within you?
Ur overreacting we all sometimes in life say something we didn’t want to say thats why he apologized
My immediate concern is that he’s being red-pilled!
That’s not an offhand comment. That’s not an off colour joke. That’s not how you speak to the woman you love and respect, full stop.
Check his podcast platform and YouTube.
While I do feel like it can be fixed (not just with an apology, because he needs to adress why on earth he thought this was an appropriate choice of words and then make sure to fix these issues and show you, so you can start to build trust again), you have to make it abundantly clear that this will be the ONE time that can be forgiven if he now takes on the appropriate steps to work on himself and another time will not be tolerated.
This was a very vulnerable moment for you because you already felt bad and he hit on top of that, this can NEVER happen again, because you will loose your confidence over this (I’d guess it’s already slipping with your wording on how you perceived his reaction on the whole encounter. Also, just my take but he f..ed up, he needs to sleep in the guest room, if I was wronged, I will not also not sleep in my bed.) and your relationship will suffer as a consequence.
Very important: he cannot brush this off with an apology, he needs to adress it and show you, otherwise you’ll probably always have this lingering fear of what he truly thinks of you now.
Yes you are overreacing he just pulled a wrong joke in the wrong time, that is not so hard to understand
Probably because u were being weird lol
Might sound weird but I wouldn’t interpret too much into it. Fantasies etc made me also say some weird stuff while and after having sex. Look for a conversation where you say what you just told us. People need to communicate more in their relationships.
I know one person who did that to his girlfriend. He had serious issues.
YTA. He obviously meant it in a good way.
This really just sounds like a joke.
Dumb joke…. us men make them…. honestly, don’t overthink it. Although, it might be a way to introduce naughty talk into your intimate time.
Joke or not that isn’t okay. That would hurt my feelings & make me uncomfortable with sex moving forward.
I’m disturbed that after 10 years he doesn’t know you well enough to realize that you would find that hurtful. I’ve been in plenty of relationships, some with truly awful people, but they all knew pretty early on what I was and wasn’t ok with being called.
That said, I’m also curious if your reaction to this wouldn’t have been so strong if things weren’t already feeling so tense in the relationship. It sounds like you (singular) are feeling a lot of anxiety/rejection around the amount of sex you guys have, and I think that if you weren’t already so worried about him pulling away from you more, this wouldn’t have hit so hard when you felt so vulnerable. I think it’s especially telling that you’re the one with the higher sex drive and he used a word that, aside from its more literal usage as a slur against sex workers, has frequently been used to shame women for having any sexual desire at all. It’s very understandable that given that context, you would feel really hurt and shaken by this, and wonder if he was on some level trying to make you feel like your advances were unwelcome or off-putting.
I don’t have specific advice for you, I’m afraid. I personally don’t think it sounds like a very enjoyable relationship, but it’s possible couple counseling could help. Mostly, though, I want to validate that it makes sense that you were really hurt by this. Maybe it’s an overreaction, but it’s an overreaction that makes so much sense, given the situation. Hope that makes sense to you, I realize it’s not the clearest way of expressing it 😅
Prob has rotted that man bye
Sounds like it was as he said a spur of the moment thing i often will talk with one person who jokes one way then talk to another person still talking the same way and im like oh shit that’s not funny to you lol but first time in 10 yrs and how bad it effected him, yeah it was an accident
This sounds like you’re feeling rejected and getting hung up on a word. Reposition the word as thirsty. You’re pushing too much. Which if he just got off (post nut clarity), then he’s likely over this for a minute and being pushed. It was a joke.
But sounds like your relationship may have other issues you two need to work on.
maybe its a bad joke maybe he felt insecure , take time to think and then talk with him and see why he said that , follow your gut feeling its always right
Sounds to me like he was trying to make an incredibly stupid joke. It’s the first time ever. I’d just talk to him about it. Tell him it really hurt and to please not go anywhere close to that path again. Do not give an ultimatum, however, as that will end badly.
Bad joke, horrible timing, don’t overthink it and throw away 10 years if he’s a good guy. Only you can decide that last part.
Dude really? Get tf over it. I’ve been called worse since this morning lol
If his libido was low and you made him feel like shit after his attempt at “dirty talking”, imagine how much worse it will get.
Seems like you took it a little too harshly.
For me, I’d definitely be caught off guard and offended. Especially since I’m in the same boat- I have a higher drive than my boyfriend and can be a little sensitive about it. But I know my boyfriend would never intentionally degrade me like that- and hopefully you feel the same about him.
So I’d probably express how it made me upset, he would apologize sincerely, I’d call him something worse to be even, and we’d move on.
On top of what everyone else has said, I’ll also add that it also kind of sounds like an expression. I think people use similar phrases outside of a sexual context when people are desperate/trying hard etc. Understandably hurtful but clearly wasn’t his intent to hurt you.
If you made an off comment to him that landed wrong, how would you like to be treated? Would you like for him to talk to you about it, give you an opportunity to apologize and recover your connection or would you prefer the silent treatment? What’s the more mature option that aligns with healthy relationships? Consider your goal here. Is your goal to repair this rift between you or are you looking to use this as an excuse to start leaving?
The good thing is he apologized immediately and took accountability for his words. I would just give him some grace
he made a joke that didnt land. Said he was sorry. its not that deep
Lmaoo he funny asl for that
Sounds like a bad joke more than anything. You are overreacting a bit.
I think you overreacted.
I think he just forgot that you’re his GF and that it’s a bit risky to say sum like this. He told you this joke like he’d tell a friend. It was a dumb joke, I wouldn’t get suck on it.
No need to be overdramatic over a dumb joke. You want him to start walking on eggshells now?
I think that this is a slightly callous joke that was made at a poor time. He seems like he was uncomfortable with the conversation and I imagine y’all were both tired. I would give him the benefit of the doubt.
It wouldn’t hurt to speak to a counselor, even though this is the first outward sign of something wrong it’s so out of character from what you describe as your normal relationship, it’s worthwhile to have a little check up. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
I think that this is a slightly callous joke that was made at a poor time. He seems like he was uncomfortable with the conversation and I imagine y’all were both tired. I would give him the benefit of the doubt.
It sounds like he was trying to make a joke and he accidentally offended you . It sounds like he’s remorseful as well since he immediately tried to apologize. I’m sure you’ve considered this but he’s likely feeling some pressure as well. There’s a lot of societal pressure around pleasing your woman, he might feel guilty that he can’t perform or isn’t as up for it as you. I’m sure you’re feeling sensitive as well since sexual rejection can sting, which then creates some guilty feelings. If this is the first time he said something like this and he immediately apologized, then I’d say that’s a pretty good sign he doesn’t really think of you that way. Just being honest I can’t say that I personally understand why that comment hurt you so much, but I can’t tell it did and that’s valid. When your ready, I think you should take some time to talk to him about his expectations around sex and maybe you can reassure him you support him. I’m sure he’ll reassure you in return. I hope you guys can work this out! 🩵
I learned the hard way never say the ‘w’ word to a woman after losing a good friend. Not even casually. It’s 10 years old relationship. He said it without thinking let it be a lesson for him. He doesn’t deserve a break up. He was never realised when he tried to enter bro-zone which never existed in a relationship. Also don’t let this go off easily, twist his arms his he can digest.
I am sure he doesn’t think about you that way as he immediately apologised. I understand it’s a mixed feelings of agony and love in you. You’re the one who is the grown up in this relationship.