I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 months. He’s one of the kindest partners I’ve had: he brings me food on my busy days, helps with errands when I’m exhausted, listens when I’m stressed, and shows genuine care in all the little day-to-day ways. He’s emotionally available and has never mistreated me or anyone else as far as I am aware. In many ways, he’s a good man.
However, we frequently have recurring arguments about what I consider to be fundamental values. And I’m starting to feel exhausted by it.
Every time we discuss anything remotely tied to social justice, ethics, or inequality, he defaults to playing devil’s advocate, often defending the side that seems clearly in the wrong.
Recently, we happened to talk about something, and the topic of the Black Lives Matter movement came up. He was on the side of “All Lives Matter”. I tried to explain the context behind Black Lives Matter, the point about systemic oppression, and how “All Lives Matter” dilutes the message of justice. But, he insisted, it’s not wrong to say all lives are equal. He argued that All Lives Matter is exercising democracy because everyone can express their opinion even when the topic is something like racial injustice, sexism, or historical atrocities. Neither of us is Black or white. We’re both Asian.
In another situation, we listened to a Reddit story where a girl found her boyfriend crying after finding out about his ex’s engagement. I said it was so disrespectful to the current partner to be crying about an ex, and again, my boyfriend disagreed, saying the guy wasn’t doing anything “disrespectful” to her because “feelings are feelings.” Only after hearing the full story (and it got objectively worse) did he agree that the guy was out of line. This kind of thing happens a lot_ he defaults to defending questionable behaviour and only comes around once it’s undeniable.
Once, he asked seriously, “Was Hitler really evil?” and tried to justify it by saying, “Hitler believed he was doing what was right for his country. and his people” When I reacted strongly, he made it seem like I’m the angry woman who can’t keep a cool head in a discussion.
I often find myself stuck trying to explain what, to me, should be obvious. He constantly says things like, “But I’ve never hurt anyone. I have good values. You are making me feel like the bad guy just because we don’t agree on certain things.” I ended up frustrated, emotional, and feeling like I was the one attacking him because I’m just being “woke.”
TL;DR:
Is it fair to end a relationship with someone who treats you well, because their worldview doesn’t align with yours?
Or am I expecting too much?
Comments
I generally wouldn’t stay with someone I’ve “argued” with about Hitler
>Once, he asked seriously, “Was Hitler really evil?”a relationship.
Lol this is bait.
There’s “our worldviews don’t align” and then there’s “well, he likes to rhetorically defend Hitler.”
“He treats me well but he thinks Hitler did nothing wrong.”
Seriously? You think he treats you well even though he does irl rage bait like this?
Edit: the fact that every comment here so far is mentioning the Hitler thing should tell you that your boyfriend is shit.
JFC “Is Hitler really evil” YES. Holy shit.
Why do you care whether it’s fair? If it turned out that the only “fair” thing for you to do was to have to listen to this guy praise Hitler forever, would you do it?
You’ve pointed out the issue to him and he’s made it clear that he ain’t changing. So now you have to decide whether you want to live with that behavior or not. “Fair” has nothing to do with it.
Your boyfriend is a Hitler apologist, and you want to know if that’s a problem?
“What should I do about my Nazi-loving boyfriend” says a lot about everyone in this relationship
Anyone who says they’re paying devils advocate likes to think they’re smarter than everyone. They’re manipulative and not a good person. They’re trying to move you off of your beliefs so you question everything about yourself so they can manipulate you into being who they want.
You need to fucking run.
I don’t think it’s about worldview. I think he gets a kick out of spinning you up.
Just because two people are attracted to one another doesn’t mean they are good together. You have fundamental differences in morals. Please shore up your own moral courage now and get yourself out of this relationship. This is a “never event” type of breakup, not a “we have a few diffferences to work through”. You have different values on what constitutes a legitmate human being.
He’s trying to wear you down and turn you into an extremist with his views. Pretty sure once you’re engaged or married, his true colors will show and it’ll be harder to leave in a safe way.