We have been together almost 3 years now. I love him with my whole heart, and just last night we were talking about how good and natural our relationship feels. He said that he feels safe and secure with me.
This morning he accused me of cheating on him.
He has been cheated on in the past by a woman who constantly lied about it when he confronted her.
When he asked me if I was seeing someone else. I said “No, Babe.” and was hurt and shocked that he asked. He said he didn’t believe me. This isn’t the first time he’s accused me of cheating on him, it is the fourth.
He doesn’t leave the house and he leaves his phone and laptop unlocked – I haven’t looked through it, but I don’t think that this is deflection. I think he genuinely believes that I’m the kind of person who could cheat on someone. Which just really sucks, and hurts.
I tried to make this clear to him but it just spurred a big huge fight. He said “I’m allowed to ask whatever I want” which.. yeah, everyone is. But it hurts me to be asked that. So why keep doing it? And why stay with me for so long and make a life and home together if you think that I’d cheat on you?
Edit: He says there’s a multitude of factors that have lead him to think that I am cheating on him. One is that I keep my PC locked and haven’t offered him the password (he hasn’t asked, but I would probably not give it to him if he did). He doesn’t keep his phone or computer locked and has brought that up multiple times.
I set my phone aside and turn it upside down when someone is speaking to me. These are both things that I have always done, and he has known about and been okay with since our relationship began.
He also thought that I was at the bar last night, which I was not- I don’t really go out anywhere. I haven’t been to a bar in months, other than once last month when I went with him. Last night I went to Target and Scheels alone before my therapy appointment and then came home after. I told him this and he said “if there’s anything you want to tell me, please know that you don’t need to hide anything” and I was pretty annoyed that he thought I was lying to him so I pulled away. Then a few minutes later he called himself pathetic. I said “No you are not, why would you say that?” He said “I’m just speaking I’m not looking for reassurance” (not angrily). A few minutes after that is when he began accusing me of cheating.
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He doesn’t care that you’re hurt and frankly I think it was his intent that you are hurt. This isn’t a YOU communication problem. This is a him being a jerk on purpose problem.
So he has repeatedly accused you of cheating and then lying about it and he at no point does he care that he upsets you.. sorry why are you with him?
He’s emotionally manipulating you. It’s also possible he’s deflecting.
What triggered him overnight to ask you that? Like what does he think you’ve done that would be suspicious for cheating?
Edit added, just a bit more context.
This is his problem, not urs, he has insecurities which he needs to deal with and him putting this on you is insanely horrible, this is grounds to break up but if you want to work through it you can
He needs to get therapy. But you said this isn’t the first time he’s done this. I’d be annoyed and might start packing my bags.
There is nothing that you can say or do, it’s his problem… a serious one and HE needs to deal with it, sounds like he needs therapy.
I mean, honestly, it’s gotta be tough waking up to this. I get you’re shocked and upset. His constant accusations must feel like a knife twisting in an old wound. It’s clear he’s fighting some serious demons from his past, and to be honest, it’s not fair of him to keep dumping them on you.
He’s probably the one cheating on you. He’s not worth the pain he’s inflicting on you.
He needs therapy. That’s a trauma response. He has trust issues he needs to work on
It’s apparent how much this relationship matters to you, and it’s clear you’ve been doing your best to be patient and understanding based on the information you’ve provided. Being accused of something you haven’t done, especially by someone you love and have committed to, cuts pretty deep. It’s not just about the words, it’s about the fact that he’s questioning your character despite everything you’ve shown him thus far.
The issue here isn’t really about whether you’ve been to a bar or whether your phone faces down. It’s about trust. If someone genuinely believes you’re capable of cheating even after three years together and a stable relationship, that speaks to a deeper insecurity in them, not a flaw in you.
It’s okay to feel hurt. It’s normal to feel insulted. You’ve given him consistency, transparency, and honesty. That should be enough. Your boundaries around privacy are also valid. You’re not hiding anything by locking your PC or setting your phone aside. Wanting personal space doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Trust doesn’t come from surveillance. It comes from respect and choosing to believe each other.
It’s fair for him to have fears, especially if he’s been hurt in the past, but it’s not fair for those fears to be weaponized against you. He needs to work through that pain himself. That’s not your burden to carry, and it’s not something that you can fix for him, even if you really want to try.
You deserve to be believed when you tell the truth. If he can’t give you that, then it’s worth asking how long you’re willing to be under suspicion just to prove your loyalty. A healthy relationship is one where both people feel safe. If this pattern continues, it may be time to ask him whether he’s ready for the kind of relationship you’re offering.
Loving someone doesn’t mean giving up your dignity. It’s okay to draw the line when trust stops feeling mutual.
You have to set a boundary with him. I agree with the others that this is a him problem not you. Tell him that you are not cheating on him and no, he can’t keep asking you. You don’t want to hear it again. Tell him that you should be free to go to Target for Pete’s sake without the third degree. If he thinks you are a cheater, he is welcome to leave the relationship (he won’t go). Stick to the boundary. You don’t deserve this emotional roller coaster. He will respect you more.
I lived it. I hope that you’ll realize soon that his behavior will never change. You will be defending yourself forever. It will make you insane after all. You’ll develop an anxiety disorder due to being mistrusted all the time. That stress will grow into poor mental & physical health. He has shown you more red flags than this. But maybe you don’t know what red flag behavior is…I did not. That level of jealousy & insecurity is completely unhealthy. I couldn’t possibly recommend that you stay in this relationship. I’m sorry. If you cannot get him into therapy for him to see his own behavior, your future together will always be troublesome. He has a personality disorder. Please research that. This is their behavior pattern. I hope you don’t marry him and I hope you do not get pregnant by him. You will be stuck with him, pleading your innocence forever. I am not alone in this. I found out there are many situations exactly like this. Exactly. Save yourself while you can. This is not what love should be.
In what other areas of your relationship does he control you? Mistrust you? Is he isolating you from your friends? When was the last time you spent time with them without him? How about your family? Does he get upset when you spend a little money on yourself? Be careful with this guy.
This isn’t a ‘you’ problem, it’s a him problem. He’s projecting his insecurities onto you, which having been cheated on myself, is easy to do. If you’ve done nothing wrong, which I believe is the case, he needs to deal with this and now, before he kills the love that you have for him. But he’s also being a bit controlling and manipulating. Bottom line, if he distrusts you so much, the relationship is over. If he wants it to continue, he must get this vanquished.
You’ve done nothing wrong. His accusations say more about his unresolved issues than about you. If he won’t address them, this cycle will continue, and you don’t deserve to live under constant suspicion.
Would he be open to couples therapy? If not, you may need to consider whether this relationship can truly thrive without trust.
How do you know the version of events he described with his ex partners really happened? Maybe he’s just controlling and untrusting to the point of taking innocent actions like you going to the store and turning them into you being in a bar. How do you know he didn’t do this behavior with past girlfriends. It sounds like he has trust issues that will never go away. If his behavior becomes more erratic and controlling you need to rethink your relationship.
He doesn’t care that he hurts your feelings.
He asks you this periodically to create doubt in your mind about your own behavior. I bet he always asks you this “out of the blue” as well.
Passwords on laptops and phones are normal. Pretending otherwise is manipulative.
His alleged past experiences aren’t a good enough reason for him to treat you with suspicion.
You should be mad that he is repeatedly hurting you like this, not looking to appease his bullshit behavior.
He meant to hurt you.
Ummm he may be laying the ground work for a use right now. Keeping you anxious is a sign. If the relationship starts to get too calm, he says something to disrupt it, so you stop feeling safe. Terrible tactic but unfortunately it works 😞
This is harsh but he needs to own up to his actions. Tell him that if he truly believes that you are cheating he needs to break up with you and leave. It’s the only obvious solution. Watch him back pedal. Think about how that makes you feel. He’s willing to be hurtful to you and if you clap back, he doesn’t like it.
He’s manipulating you.
He’s guilty of something and projecting.
This happened to me.
Spoiler: he was cheating on me and projecting.
It’s possible that he’s just anxiously attached. Is he being a jerk? Maybe. But it sounds to me that he has been burned so badly in the past that he subconsciously needs reassurance that you’re not cheating constantly. This is coming from someone who felt similarly in my relationship early on. It took me lots of therapy and medication to calm my nervous system in order to realize that I wasn’t “in danger”, and my partner really loves me and wouldn’t cheat on me. It sounds like your boyfriend may be dealing with a similar type of anxiety where his nervous system just lights up whenever there are small triggers. I’m not saying this to excuse any bad behavior, but I’m saying it because sometimes people genuinely feel anxious and scared of being cheated on. If he can get some help through therapy and/or even medication, it may help.
Projecting
Why do you think he doesn’t understand that it hurts you? Of course he knows that already, because it’s inherently hurtful to accuse someone of cheating. You need to accept that he hurt you on purpose because he wanted to hurt you. It sounds like he’s laying the ground work to demand total access to your devices and to track you as well.
You get to have some privacy in a relationship and it is not reasonable to conclude that you are cheating because of it. A change in your behavior with your devices would be suspicious. Something you’ve done all along is not.