My (32 yo female) boyfriend (33yo male) is ALWAYS miserable. We have been together for almost 2 years and we have known each other for the last 15 years. When we started dating, everything was absolutely perfect. I thought I found my best friend, after years of bad relationships. I thought I finally found someone that was going to love me and always treat me with respect. About six months after being with each other we decided we wanted to try to have a baby (he initiated this conversation). We were in love, got along great and had known each other for so long we felt ready. We communicated well, and were open and honest about everything up until this point.
I had been on birth control for the last decade and I wasn’t sure how quickly I would get pregnant. I was blessed that it happened in the first month and I was over the moon! I found out the day I was moving in, and I was so excited to tell him, and his face just sunk.
From that day everything changed. He was never invested in my pregnancy, never showed excitement or wanting to contribute any thoughts or opinions. I felt alone. I thought maybe after the initial few weeks he would go back to normal but it didn’t.
I never know which man I’m going to get, if he is happy or if he will say “fuck life” “I wish I would die” etc. (no active plan for suicide). I try to get him to talk and he just shuts down more. He will just look miserable and not speak to me. He will go days without showing any affection. The happy easy going man I have known for the last 15 years just disappeared.
He interacts minimally with our daughter and shows her no affection. He isn’t mean to her, he is just flat. She will smile and babble at him, and he does nothing. No smile back, nothing.
I am so unhappy and I don’t want our daughter to grow up around his unsteady mood. She is 9 months now and I can tell is already feeding off of body language and tone of voice.
I love him more than anything but I cannot take the roller coaster of emotions. It feels like I’m walking on egg shells everyday. I have asked him to go to counseling and he refuses. I have threaten to leave and he will apologize and be better for a day and it goes right back to where he was. The days that he is good, are wonderful and I live for those days but those seem to be far and few between. I don’t know where to go from here..
Edit:
Some important info to is: He does have a history of trauma. His bio dad left when he was one and his mom remarried when he was three. His step dad adopted him. Unfortunately when he was 12 his mom passed from brain cancer and his dad became an alcoholic. The only family he had was his dad, grandma and grandfather (no siblings or aunts/uncles). His grandma passed from cancer when he was 14 and his grandfather died in a car accident when he was 16. He turned to drugs for the better part of his 20s and has been clean over 4 years. He does have an 11 year old. So fatherhood is not new to him. And he is a great dad to her (interacts, does activities with her etc). He usually never gets in one of these funks while his older daughter is with us (thank goodness)
I have encouraged therapy and/or even medication. I know he is depressed, but he doesn’t seem to want the help. I know I can’t force him. I want him to want to get better. But I know that is unrealistic. I mostly want him to get better for our daughter and his other daughter. I don’t have my father in my life, and I want my daughter to have hers. But only if he is mentally well..
Comments
Just leave. It really isn’t worth it. You need to look out for yourself, and now your daughter.
Try to get him some help. Might need therapy for some reason, or perhaps medication. Might not be these things, but worth a try
He honestly sounds deeply depressed, and this is something only he can treat and deal with. You need to protect yourself and your daughter who is learning how she should be treated by the one man who should love and protect her above all others. Get counselling for yourself on how to navigate.
My best friend had a baby with someone like this. It didn’t get any better. I think she is waiting for the child to start school (less childcare costs) before kicking him out.
I wonder if he wanted you to go off birth control because he was hoping different sex or more homones would fix something for him. What he was cooking for here wasn’t a baby.
Sometimes people will just tell you what’s up in their inner thoughts, if you ever get the chance you should ask him. That and why exactly he’s depressed now. If you can get an honest answer. Just to know the truth about where you stand.
It sounds like he’s going to stay with you for the baby
No.
If he doesn’t want help I’d leave. Neither you nor your child deserves this and she will grow up with her own trauma if you stay.
Rather ask yourself; Is it worth to inflict life long trauma on your kid due to a physically present, but emotionally neglectful father?
Leave now. Get out and don’t look back.
You don’t want your daughter growing up in a house like this and thinking this is normal.
We really need to hear his side of the story. There’s usually two sides to every story and one side is too clean to take at face value.
You get out of the relationship is where you go. There is no up side. Call it a six month trial separation if you want – mandatory counseling for you both –
Something is off – and its weird esp if it’s tied to the baby. I dont trust him – you need to look after her emotional and physical safety as well as your own
Adults are responsible for regulating their own emotional states. We can’t control what feelings flow through us. Mixed feelings are normal. But we can choose which feelings to focus on, amplify act act upon.
For reasons of his own, he chose and continues to choose to immerse himself in “woe is me” and ignore the joyful events. He is self absorbed rather than being fully present interacting with OP and their young child.
OP, this “happy go lucky” guy was a druggie in his 20s and 4 years sober, allegedly.
His history during your dating relationship smacks of love bombing and baby trapping. By the time OP got pregnant, he became distant and dissatisfied. How long was he “a great boyfriend” really? Not long.
OP, he’s getting what he wants. Probably your time, attention, service and sexual access. He’s not a good dad. He’s a distant uninterested dad. What in your relationship and as a father does HE DO, unprompted, for the benefit of you and the baby?
His refusing therapy or to attempt any improvement shows you he is not committed to being a healthy partner nor parent. You’re doing all that work. You are a resource he can tap into as he wants. Yet he’s not there for you or the baby. No wonder you’re exhausted, frustrated and feeling alone.
So leaving might shake him
Enough to try to fix is misery. He will
Not be a good dad this way. Is there anyone in your family that can take you in ? Or a lawyer that can amicably separate you both for a while or forever? Or can you speak with his family about this. Give a chance to ask for him to get help. Maybe he needs extra good diet and supplement. Sometimes the stomach stops making dopamine if there are gut issues. Sure it can be just mental or emotional but physical also plays a role in depression.
What is very disturbing is the fact that he says stuff like he doesn’t want to be around anymore, and your child will pick up on that along with all his other bad moods. No matter how much you love him, only he can be the one to make the change to make things better. Do not traumatize yourself or the baby by co-habituating with a negative person who has bad energy. You can’t fix him. He doesn’t bother with your child anyway, so don’t force a relationship that he isn’t making an effort with you or the child.
When I was reading this I felt like I wrote it myself. It’s crazy how similar our stories are. He has an avoidant attachment style. I don’t think leaving is the answer, but I also understand how helpless you feel in the situation. For me, I need to learn how to stop being dependent on his emotions to regulate my emotions. It’s hard not to take his depression personally, like I’m the reason he’s depressed. I tend to spiral with overthinking, trying to figure out why my partner is depressed. He completely shuts me out and when I get to my tipping point and I try to talk to him it escalates into something bigger than I intended. I don’t want to leave, he can be a great father to our 2 month old son, but some days I realize he hasn’t even held our son all day. I don’t know if I have any advice to give. Be patient, try to give him some reading material to help with his depression. He’s going to want to help himself.
Time to leave. No, he will never be happy. A lesson on not getting pregnant when you don’t really know someone well enough and have not lived with them.
Find a better guy who will act like a better father than him. Get out for your sake and for the child. Otherwise he will cause serious problems for you and your baby’s mental health and well being. Kids are not OK with a dad like him.
Query hashas has girlfriends miscarry in the past?
Ugh not worth it at all – don’t do that to yourself
In a word, no.
Protect your daughter’s future – Show her what love, support, personal responsibility and partnership does/doesn’t not look like.
I don’t care about his trama. If he refuses to find help and won’t change, then leave for the good of yourself and daughter.
You can’t help him if he refuses to help himself. Losing you and his child might be a wake-up call or it might not but he’s got a lot of work to do on himself before he’s ready to participate in your lives.
Tell him just that, he needs to be better for his girls, that’s you included.
This is a weird one. Do you support him financially? Can he hold down a job at all? Do you not find it fascinating that he is perfectly fine in front of the older daughter. He desperately needs help. If he won’t get it then you really have no choice.
Another disaster in the making go find a decent man
keep us updated whether you decide to stay or lwave bur you are a ery good mom looking out for your daughter! I think leaving would be best for you both