I am 25F and my boyfriend 28M, doesn’t want me to celebrate his birthday. We have decided on going on a trip to Colorado on his birthday, but that did not happen, i tried pushing for it but he did not take any steps so i let it go. And then eventually he had problems at work (might lose his job) and so he was like he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday, but this is his first birthday since we have been together so I was excited for this so i was like – I’ll go over to his place and cook some lunch and we can have a meal together that day, like a very low key birthday lunch, cause i did not want to do nothing. We both agreed to this, and i was prepping to go over and for the lunch (we stay in different cities). But the day after we decided, he says that he doesn’t want me to come over cause he is that kind of person who wouldn’t like celebrations when he’s in hardships and he would deprive himself of anything nice till he has come out of it or achieved something, until then he feels like shit. And i do not agree with it, so i suggested we still continue with the plan. Now he says i do not understand him, AITAH?
P.S. My birthday is next week, he still wants to celebrate my birthday properly by coming over for couple days.
Comments
NTA
It sounds like for you, doing something – even small and low-key – is a way to show care. For him, when life sucks, he prefers to shut everything down and “earn” the right to celebrate later. Neither approach is wrong, but he’s asking you to follow his style while still planning to do your birthday his way. That’s where it feels unfair.
Nta. why are you dating a man who enjoys wallowing in his misery? Because if his reaction to a downswing is isolation, that is a rough issue in a long term relationship. The other possibility is that he needs the time for his other relationship since you don’t live in the same city.
NTA. You’re not wrong for wanting to celebrate but it’s his day, so he can decide to not celebrate. See if he’d be open to just a regular visit with no emphasis on his birthday.
NAH, he is not in the mood for celebration and he is letting you know how he feels, so he is not an AH. You’re also not an AH for trying to do something nice and lowkey for him. Maybe don’t frame it as a celebration, but frame it as a chill night with you cooking some food and spend the night with him to cheer him up.
If he absolutely refuse to see you on his birthday tho, something fishy might be going on.
Nta, but….I wouldn’t push. He may well have another reason for not wanting to celebrate and he’s not yet comfortable enough to tell you. It’s his day, so stop trying to make it yours. As an example, I didn’t like to celebrate my birthday for the longest time because of something traumatic that happened. I also have a friend with severe anxiety that runs rampant when she’s the center of attention, so she tends to avoid holidays. Then I have a coworker who recently lost a parent and cried uncontrollably on her birthday because it reminded her that her mom was no longer there to celebrate with her. Case being, if he’s said no, respect it. Perhaps you don’t have the full story.
Gentle YTA. Not everybody likes to celebrate, and lots of people have emotional trauma from abuse connected to things like birthdays. It’s great that you offered, but now that he’s told you he doesn’t want to celebrate, even if it looks to you like he’s wallowing, it would be great if you supported him by not celebrating, particularly since he’s happy to celebrate your birthday next week when it’s something you love doing. You can always catch up on his birthday when he’s feeling better.
I ‘m sorry OP but l think you’re kind of TA: he expressed multiple times not wanting to celebrate, and because YOU disagree, you want him to do something he does not want to, to make yourself feel good, that is not very kind and it is not now it should work.
You could respect his wishes, buy him a nice dinner or a nice present on another day just because and leave it be.
There have been circomstances in my life when l did not want to celebrate my birthday, not as in a low key meh, but really not want to, just like your bf, and let me tell you that cards and calls of birthday wishes really pissed me off.
Nta tell him you don’t want him celebrating your birthday