Me ‘F19’ and my boyfriend ‘M19’ have been together for just over 3 years now. Throughout our relationship we have had the recurring discussion/argument about social media – more specifically me posting clearly very posed pictures or videos on TikTok – not even anything very provocative, mostly just pictures of my face/mirror selfies. (Btw he never posts) He says that he finds it disrespectful to him and finds it equivalent to me going up to people and flirting with them by putting this picture of me online in order to gain attention/ or the same as individually sending thirst traps to boys – but I just enjoy the attention I get (not from men) when I look nice
This is really difficult for me to deal with and always has been, not because I so badly want to post myself on TikTok or instagram but more because the idea of him telling me what I can or cannot do makes me very uncomfortable- 1. Because that’s not an equal relationship as I don’t feel like I “control Him” and 2.reminds me of weird old gender roles .
I’ve been able to accept this for so long as I do obviously love him more than I love posting pictures of myself on social media, but it really upsets me as it kind of feels like the one glaring issue in the relationship which I don’t know how to solve, so I’ve just accepted it. He’s been fairly stubborn about this every time we talk about it, and it feels too small to breakup a otherwise good relationship
Basically wtf do I do because honestly I’m just embarrassed my boyfriend is like this when I call myself a feminist
Also I know people will say this could lead down a controlling road but it’s really not like that – more to do with his general dislike of all social media
TL;DR : boyfriend doesn’t want me to post vain pictures of myself online, unsure what to do about it
Comments
>it’s really not like that
Except that it absolutely is. Go back and read how he thinks that posting selfies is tantamount to openly flirting with strangers, then try and tell yourself that that isn’t controlling.
Break up. He’s not ready for an adult relationship.
My partner hates social media too – but he lets me post and do what I want because it’s my life and my choice. This is truly odd behaviour. He should be your ex bf
Controlling starts somewhere. In your case, it begins with social media.
There’s a saying that applies here… you give them an inch, they take a mile.
Dump him immediately, grieve the end of the relationship, and move on.
he’s immature & insecure. he needs to get over himself. it’s not something small, he can control u on this? he’ll try on anything else, which can possibly lead to abuse. be careful
I agree with your stance here: even though your boyfriend isn’t trying to be toxic, this is some pretty clear-cut controlling behavior.
It might be helpful to try imagining the situation from his point of view. One of the reasons you might want to display yourself online is to receive validation from guys who find you attractive. Maybe your boyfriend can’t help but suspect that this is one of the main reasons you’d want to do it.
So even though this could be seen as controlling, I don’t think it’s necessarily “unfair”, since in his mind neither of you should be seeking attention in this way.
This kind of controlling behavior will get worse, and its already pretty bad.
Hey! You’re a young adult now, welcome to the world of real relationships, ground rules you should know that will lead to a dramatic reduction in heart ache and trauma.
We don’t fix people
We don’t change people
We don’t solve people
We find people that we partner up with to create and live the lives that we want to live with them, as they are.
Doesn’t always work out like that as life is often tragic but that’s the general goal.
Dude sounds like douche, move on, he will always be/feel this way.
Edit: and so will you, that pit in your stomach of “I have a controlling boyfriend” ain’t going away until he does
If you like social media, and he doesn’t, and he thinks his likes should dictate yours, this relationship is not going to work.
Please dont stay for 6 more years, and waste your life. I was told for nearly 20 YEARS to read a few self help relationship books, and I always said “No these are just trash men” but WHYYYY did I settle for that? I look back and shake my head at all that lost time and energy, all to let some giant toddler (yes, men are all giant toddlers) control me and what I wanted to do.
This guy is controlling you.
It doesnt get better.
Leave.
He sounds like your ex-boyfriend.
This is not a healthy relationship.
At 19, he thinks he can guilt you and shame you for posting selfies on social media? Something that literally half the world does. And when you try to reassure him, he doubles down and questions your character? Babe these are totally red flags and at a very young age. He is now learning how to behave with women, and if you don’t put your foot down hard, you’re going to teach him that’s it’s okay to have these kinds of “rules” in a relationship because his gf will always obey him.
Rather be the ex that stood up for herself and walked away. I understand 3 years is a long time and you’re very attached to him. But don’t you want him to be a good partner too? Don’t let him do this, it will spoil him and reinforce ideas of control in his mind. Tell him very clearly that he cannot control what you do- online or in real life. If he has a problem with that, he needs to self-reflect. Reassure him that you are trustworthy, but tell him that you will not allow his insecure, outdated thoughts to dictate your actions-not now, not ever. Be strong. He’s only just a man.
Hey love, I feel your frustration – I’ve been through something similar. A lot of us post because we feel good, not because we’re looking for male attention. It’s self-love, not validation.
Honestly I used to think to myself, “If my boyfriend has a beautiful girlfriend, why wouldn’t he want to show me off?” It’s tough, especially if this is the only red flag in the relationship.
But I’ll say this: post yourself, sis. If he’s not hyping you up, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it for you. Give yourself the love and confidence you deserve – no one else gets to dim that.
(P.S. I help women write the things their hearts struggle to say – message me if you ever need help getting your words right💌)