I bought tickets for me and my boyfriend, J, to go see a concert of a band I’ve liked since I was 13. They’ve been broken up for 15 years, so I was elated to get the chance to see them. J tells his friend, R, about this show, and R decides to fly in to see this band. Before the show, J is being somewhat annoying because he wants to have sex. I tell him we don’t have much time, as I take a while to get ready. He insists that he doesn’t care when we get there, so I agree. Then, before I’m even done getting dressed, he calls an Uber and rushes me out. This is kinda irrelevant information but I think it added to the tension that comes later. Also, at some point earlier in the day, he wraps his arm around my neck and accidentally chokes me. I have told him many times to be careful around my throat, because I had an ex who strangled me when I was 15. I just found it really annoying. Since J was rushing me out, I didn’t have time to ask him about the 2 White Claws that he decided to bring. We end up missing our train, and J goes into the convenience store to buy more drinks. I tell him I don’t really want to drink much, but I don’t stop him from buying them.
We have a good time getting there. Once we’re at the venue, I tell him I don’t want the other drink he bought. I say I may get a drink at the bar, but I’m not someone who gets drunk at shows. This concert is really important to me and I want to remember it. I’m also a bit surprised that J is deciding to drink, as him and R met in rehab. I have difficult feelings about J’s experience in rehab, because J’s parents sent him there as a teenager and I felt like, from what he told me, it was the result of his parents not knowing what to do with a depressed child. However, once in college, J got badly addicted to cocaine and had to move back home with his parents to get sober. We’ve talked a lot about his sobriety, and I supported him being able to drink as long as he can go about it healthily.
R ends up inviting 3 people to this show. This is a little overwhelming for me, as I’m a bit of an awkward person, but I am depending on J to be there for me, since R is his friend and I’ve never met him. R and Friend #1 are already there, and then he’s inviting Friend #2 and Friend #2’s GF. R tells us Friend #2 is a bit awkward. J decides to make a joke to them, 2 people I’ve never met, that I would try to fuck him, because I like awkward guys. I felt really uncomfortable by this joke, but decided to brush it off.
Before the show starts we go to the merch line. J and I are talking about a friend of ours and J asks me if the friend ever tried to hook-up with me. J knows that the friend and I matched on Tinder once like 3 years ago, so I made a little bit of a thinking face trying to figure out if that counted. J then starts kinda freaking out. He has a jealous streak that I’m not going to go into because this post will become a novel. This has been the main point of animosity in our relationship, but for the past couple weeks, he has really turned things around. Anyway, I’m like no, no, I was just making a face. He then loudly tells me to not do that because I know it was upset him and I have to respect his boundaries. He is saying this LOUDLY in a line of people. I tell him to not talk to me like that in public. Then, he starts LOUDLY apologizing and trying to give me a consolation hug. I’m really weirded out.
Eventually, the show starts. J is continuing to weird me out. He’s dancing weird, he’s crying (?), and then he comes up behind me and puts his arm tightly around my throat… again. I hit his arm to get him off of me. Once the show ends, I tell him that I need a few minutes because it’s really triggering for me. It also sucked it was in a crowd of people and I was trying to see my show. The last thing I needed was a flashback. He decided to go pull up a chair at this random table of 40 year old men and talk to them, so I go and try to make conversation with R and his friends. R tries to get J to come back, but J refuses. After like 20 minutes, I go try to find him again. The two men are obviously weirded out, and I’m really embarrassed. I tell J he needs to cut down on the drinks (at this point I’ve lost track of how many he’s had), and he left me hanging with his friends. He goes and talks to his friends then starts trying to argue with me, saying they didn’t have a problem with it and I’m making it a big deal. I tell him I need to go to the BR. When I come back, he is SOBBING in R’s arms and everyone is watching. I go up and ask what’s going on. R comes up to me and tells me I need to be nicer. This pisses me OFFF because R didn’t have to deal with drunk J in rehab, and he has no idea what it’s like. Friend 2’s GF tries to invite me out with them, and I say no thank you, I’m going home.
J follows me out of the venue and is trying to leave with me. I tell him no, I’m upset, and he needs to go be with his friends. He is arguing and I’m begging him to let me leave. He is also swearing, and for some reason there are children right next to us, and I’m begging him to cut it out. A woman security guard comes up and grabs me to ask if I’m safe, and tells him to leave me alone. He tries to argue with HER saying we’re dating, and she says I don’t care and that he needs to get out of my face. Finally, he lets me leave.
A few hours later, he comes back to my place to get his stuff. He is trying to talk to me and I’m telling him I don’t want to talk and he’s not listening. He’s trying to tell me that he wasn’t crying because of me, he was crying because it made him emotional that R and him met in rehab and R was seeing him drunk. I honestly don’t care why he was crying, it’s embarrassing asf to see your boyfriend drunk cry in public. He is raising his voice at me, which he always does even though I’ve told him 50+ times I have roommates and to keep his voice down. It’s not like he’s screaming my ear off or anything, but I don’t want my roommates to wake up or know my business. I tell him that if he can’t even remember that I told him not to raise his voice in my house, I don’t owe him a conversation. He leaves and tells me to have a nice life. Today, he texted me again asking to talk and I said no. I don’t even know what I’m doing or if I’m doing the right thing. I just feel so embarrassed.
Comments
Girlfriend, this was really hard to read. He sounds so exhausting. Your relationship with J is extremely toxic and abusive. It sounds like he repeatedly trampled over your boundaries and doesn’t respect you.
I am most concerned about him choking you and not caring to stop. That’s the biggest red flag.
Please know that this behavior will not get better. He will always put himself first, embarrass you in public, not respect your autotomy and expect you to conform and give in to what he wants. Please leave him and never look back.
Why is seeing your boyfriend cry in public embarrassing?
I would definitely break up with him because he does not respect your boundaries about choking you.
You’re doing the right thing and have no reason to feel embarrassed. He’s a man child. He’s a mess. He’s dead weight. Don’t go back with him. Just block him and move on and soon you’ll feel so light and free and realize how much BS he was putting you through. He knows exactly what he’s doing with his choking move. He’s hoping he can wear you down.
Dump him now
Block him now. He’s not able for sobriety with you. Drugs n drink are his first last and only love.
Pack up his stuff. You tried. He failed. He’s been looking at pn also.
Lots a choking there
After choking you, and all the other red flags this man does, he is just really immature. I would move on. If it’s been “50+ times,” Do you think he’ll change after the 51st time?
Paragraph 1: he ignores your trauma and the trigger of your neck being touched in order to wrap his arm around your neck and choke you slightly. He then pressures you into sex when you don’t want it, and refuses you the time you want/need to get ready for your night out. You tell him you don’t want to drink, and he buys drinks, ignoring your request.
Paragraph 2: you reveal he has addiction issues, including alcohol.
Paragraph 3: you meet 3 people for the first time, and he makes a joke about you fucking two of them.
Paragraph 4: he’s clearly drunk by this point, asks you a question about your sexual past and then makes an assumption based solely on your facial expression. He then goes off, insulting you, and we discover he has ‘jealousy issues’. You’re uncomfortable but he ignores it.
Paragraph 5: he puts his arm around your neck AGAIN and has a fit when you need some time to calm down. He has a tantrum and goes off with a group of other people, leaving you alone with 3 people you’ve never met before despite knowing you’re a bit awkward around new people. He is tanked by this point.
Paragraph 6: the show ends, you leave, he continues to harass you, won’t accept your request to leave you alone, and SECURITY gets involved, asking if you’re ok and need help.
Paragraph 7: he comes back a few hours later for a confrontation, is disrespectful of the fact you have roommates who are sleeping and raises his voice, then leaves.
I think it’s less you’re embarrassed he cried in public, and more you’re embarrassed by how sloppy drunk he was and unable to control his drinking (at least I hope it’s cause he was drunk-crying. I hope you wouldn’t be so judgemental of a man you truly loved crying for perfectly legitimate reasons, even in public).
So, he has addiction issues, can’t control his drinking, ignores your boundaries, pressures you to do things you don’t want to, verbally abuses you in public, disrespects you and implies you’re unfaithful, refuses to give you space to recenter yourself, has jealousy issues, and doesn’t respect shared spaces.
And you’re with him because…?
The really big thing that stands out to me here is that he “accidentally“ choked you twice when literally in my seven year relationship I’ve never been accidentally choked once and I go to a lot of concerts with my boyfriend
I see all the comments saying the obvious about the boyfriend, but I am so sorry you missed out on enjoying your concert and I hope you get another chance.
He needs to sober up. And you are not safe. You don’t “accidentally” choke someone twice in one night.
His behavior was belligerent, entitled, dismissive, and rude. He is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship, and you do not need to wait around and waste years of your life on the possibility that it gets better one day — because it may get worse, instead.
Be safe. Don’t turn back. Don’t even wish him well in person, just avoid him and wish him well in your mind, hope that he gets the help that he needs. Then get the help you need to live a safer life.
I’m guessing, based on the band having been a favorite since you were 13 and that they broke up 15 years ago, you are 28 at the bare minimum. Maybe it’s time to ask more of yourself and to expect more from someone you date. Or you can live an unsafe, drama-filled reality show life until something terrible happens.
It sounds like time for bf to become an EX bf.
Yes. Please stay away from any continuation of that. Start your next chapter(s) free from damaging BS…..
Not excuses for lack of control.
The only thing we have control over is our reaction to things- he failed.
Feel lucky that he did this early on and saved you the time later- thats how I have to look at things these days. People show who they are- this story was long- but clear. You don’t need us for your answer. I wish you well, just my .02 OP :))
He’s an alcoholic who doesn’t have an ounce of respect for you, or himself, and you will be so much happier once you realize that and break up with him.
I read as far as him being annoying because he wanted sex and choking you and that’s all the info I needed.
You don’t need this one. Throw him back in the pond to be the silly goose he is
This band isn’t Three Days Grace is it?
The concert meant something to you, and he didn’t care. He used it as a friend’s get-together & got drunk, emotional & displayed toxic behavior. He disrupted every aspect of your evening, and I’m sorry about that. Even if he wasn’t into the music, he should have respected that you are & been happy you were enjoying yourself in his company. That is not how a good partner behaves, and it’s not your job to fix him.
I had to stop reading. Far too many red flags 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 in this relationship. You need to break up with him. Have some respect for yourself. You deserve to be treated much better than this.
It’s weird that he drank to the point of being unable to control himself when his date wasn’t even drinking at all. Also the choking thing is scary. Someday he’ll kill you and he won’t even remember doing it.
Today I saw a kid crying and screaming about not being allowed to have the toy he wanted, your bf sounds a lot like that kid.
I’m so sorry, please leave him and make sure he stays away.
Seems like he is toxic your better off moving on
You only allow that to happen once. Now that you know who he is, dump him.
Girl your J sounds like my shitty ex J, but whether or not he’s the same person you’re better off without his out of control ass
Your boyfriend is emotionally impaired. He’s never learned how to regulate any of his emotions and that’s why he self/medicates with drugs (hence why he’s suppose to be sober now as he’s an addict). He’s toxic, immature and has no coping skills.
I’m sad for both of you…he needs life-long major therapy (for his addiction effects and his emotional impairment issues) and you need therapy for attachment issues, thinking a man like this will just “get better” without therapy.
He will never get better until he gets therapy and you will always stay addicted to the attachment/need loop of staying with people who hurt you because of your attachment issues. Look up the “As-If” personality and see if it resonates with you and your childhood trauma/absent father effects. I hope the best for both of you and hope solo therapy/couples counseling will end up helping both of you. You’re young enough that you can meet these challenges and change your relationship/attachment patterns.