tl;dr- my boyfriend (19M) and I (19F) have been in a relationship for 4 years. this year has been the toughest, where we had a fallout that never really got resolved. just recently, he has been asking questions about things i have been doing for a long time/most of our relationship. he has never had a problem with any of these things besides now, i would understand if i just recently started doing things, but these are all what i have already been doing. i dont know what to do.
examples-
the first time it happened was when i did my makeup for the first time in a couple of weeks. i always get ready randomly, ive been doing this since i learned how to do makeup and he always has hyped me up, told me how beautiful i am, and leaves it at that. i was in the middle of getting ready when he comes home from work, he immediately (i mean hasn’t even fully walked through the door yet) asks why im doing my makeup and where im going. i said “do i need a reason?” (in a very defensive tone because him asking is completely unfamiliar) and he went off, saying it was just a question and i didn’t have to get so angry and this made me feel really bad.
next is my ring. i take off my ring whenever i shower and i don’t to put it back ONLY if im not going anywhere. i don’t go a full week or anywhere without my ring, but if im at home i dont put it back on because it simply doesn’t cross my mind. this is something not new, ive been doing this since we have moved in together (years ago). my boyfriend comes home from work, goes up to the vanity and immediately comes down to give me my ring. i say thank you and he starts asking questions. he asked why i never put my ring back on and i said because im not going anywhere. he starts telling me how he wears his all day everyday and he never wants to take his off so he doesn’t understand why i leave mine. i say that i always do my skincare and hair after showering so i don’t put it on because my hands are sticky. he told me i could just wash my hands then and thats when i snapped. it escalated from a conversation to an interrogation so fast and i got defensive once again.
another time my mom came over to grab some medicine, she had a uti. i gave her vitamins and antibiotics and she was on her way. she left something on the counter so when my boyfriend came home, he asked if she stopped by, i said yes, he said why, i said for medicine. he then asks what for and why. 🤦🏼♀️ i lost my patience for this one and flat out told him it’s girls stuff and it doesn’t matter, which lead him to guilting me for getting upset.
just today, he swiped up on one of my tiktoks and asks why i posted it. (mind you, i have been posting tiktoks since i was 10; musically days. i post regularly and he has NEVER had an issue through our relationship). i asked if there has to be a reason because i genuinely didn’t have one. he said everytime i posts he asks himself why i do so he finally just asked. i simply said to clear out drafts. he says “why don’t you just delete them then.” i told him “im not entertaining this. i don’t know why there has to be a reason and why you are so bothered and up to ask me questions about it?” he said “wtf this isn’t a game or whatever you think it is. it’s out of fking curiosity”. i told him “no, you’re interrogating. you asked a question and i answered. what is the real answer why you questioned?” he said he’s trying to make it make sense in his brain and went on a whole rant on how i don’t make sense about me clearing out drafts. he goes on saying “you think i’m interagating you i’m not im just confused trying to make 100% sense of somthing so im gonna ask questions until i have a full and clear and understanding bc that’s not an effective way to clear storage and you said it’s to clear your drafts to create more storage but if you delete them you just get more storage instead you post one at a time get ride of a storage post at a time” (copied). i respond with “the immediate reaction i give is because it’s unfamiliar. these questionings are unfamiliar that have only started happening recently, the first time being me doing my makeup for no reason. it’s okay to ask questions 100%, it just feels like boundary pushing when it’s questions i don’t feel like need a reason or response because ive been doing it forever and it’s randomly now being questioned”. he asks why i have to respond the way i do and why im being an a. this is still going on. i just want him to tell me or not if he’s insecure all of a sudden or just doesn’t want me to post, i want to have a NORMAL and civil conversation without feeling like everything is an argument and investigation. PLEASE HELP BC THIS IS STILL GOING ON AS AN ARGUMENT, he keeps saying it’s for his brain to make it make sense 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
Comments
This post is too long. 19, engaged, and he’s controlling. Dump him.
Your boyfriend is overly controlling. I know you won’t like this answer, but you should break up. It will not get better, it will only get worse.
you don’t need this many examples of a controlling red flag bf. Read your post.
Sounds like you don’t understand yourself either and it bothers him.
everyone deserves a healthy relationship and that means you too..based on what you have mentioned here there are clues to something bigger that going on that is unhealthy and I suggest that you contact this number # 1-800-799-7233 and chat with the specialist, talk to the Specialist from your perspective, your feelings, your fears etc…Good Luck.
He’s cheating.
Red flags everywhere
You’re only 19. Stop wasting your youth on this.
Get rid.
You’re far too young for this level of 💩.
You should be out having fun with your friends.
You have two options.
Stay with him and live like this for the rest of your life.
Leave.
You are WAAAAYYYY too young to be stuck with this drama. No man is worth this – and I say that as a man.
Girlll hes negging u to an extent and excusing his behaviour with gaslighting. This is not how arguments should be going at all. Either he accepts your (very normal) reasoning or should at least have the understanding that he cannot be controlling your behaviour to that extent. Honestly if he’s already not listening, I dont see why he would start. It’s time to go.
If I’m being honest the tone he has when he asks the questions is incredibly important here. If he’s asking in an accusatory tone then yes that’s absolutely a problem but if he just seems genuinely curious then I feel like your responses are a little on the defensive side.
I am someone who asks my partner a lot of questions especially about hobbies because I want them to know I’m interested in them and their lives and their thought processes. I can better understand them and how they think so when something happens that upsets me I can better know if they just think differently or they were being purposely malicious.
I know you said this is all new for him to be doing so I can understand why you’d be defensive about it. Maybe when things are calm ask him why he’s suddenly asking so many more questions and see if he has a decent answer. If he can’t come up with one then I’d definitely being having a further discussion about it or be out the door.
The throughline of all his interrogations is the idea that you may be trying to impress or get the attention of other people. Given you had a fallout that wasn’t resolved it may be that he has become paranoid that you may leave him so he has become very senstive to anything that might be a sign of it.
On the other hand he himself may be doing that himself, he may be withdrawing or trying to get the attention of other people but projecting on you to avoid that conversation.
The concern I have is that you called him out pretty straightforwardly and he deflected and twisted the conversation to avoid saying what he really wants to say. The ‘making it make sense’ thing only applies to the tiktok conversation at best, you have to really put emphasis on how this has been a trend in general and how stuff like makeup and taking off jewelery represent a similar accusation.
But if he refuses to discuss it in a healthy way… that’s basically the end of the relationship, right? Like this can’t be your life. It’s been 4 years but maybe this is the time to think about what actually comes next, especially since it seems there was an argument even more extreme that this that had already done a lot of damage.
He doesn’t trust you because he’s cheating.
Just know these people be so fast to tell you you’re being abused or dump your SO.
I have not opened one post before and I don’t see someone saying to the op dump him or her.
If you don’t know what is going on with him, ain’t no way they know what’s going on.
After 4 years you guys should be able to discuss stuffs and work through it. No one is perfect, any change has a cause and that is the work, to find the problem and fix it together.
Have a conversation with him and go from there.
You have no idea what a healthy, loving relationship actually looks like if you think he loves you.
Google the book “Why does he do that”, by Lundy Bancroft, and read the free pdf version. You need to understand what toxic, controlling, abusive behavior is.
Honestly this hit very close to home with my current relationship (5 years), sometimes it takes a very serious relationship and even maybe a discussion about ending the relationship and being unhappy to cause a serious reaction from your SO to step up and make changes and even come up with explanations for themselves they can’t seem to find in the moment. I think everyone saying to break up because it’s controlling hasn’t been in a difficult relationship before, if you truly love him and he truly loves you then provoking a serious conversation with possible consequences might actually lead somewhere progressive
Yeah, just dump him. Jealous, overbearing, controlling, etc., just dump him and get on with your life.
My stepdad was a serial cheater and every single time he was cheating he’d be like this with my mom. He could be projecting all of his guilt onto you.
You tell him to fuck off wtf do u think
I suspect that he doesn’t respect you, and he doesn’t agree with your decisions. If he respected you, then he would accept that sometimes it “doesn’t make sense in his brain” but trust that you are doing the right thing and it doesn’t really matter anyway.
Respect is the most important thing in a relationship, especially for women dating men. You can read all of the books about communication in the world, but you can’t talk a man into respecting you. Action alone works. Don’t engage when he responds like this. Leave him on read or send him a thumbs up emoji. Walk out of the room when he starts up in person. And de-center this relationship in your life. Hang out with your friends more, pick up a new hobby, improve your grades at school or try for a promotion at work. If he wants to, he will realize what a fool he’s being. If not, you will have invested your time and energy in the place it deserves to be, yourself.
I dated my highschool boyfriend for 4 years from when I was 14. I forgave him for a lot of things. But one day he said he wouldn’t want to have a baby with me if we got married because he wouldn’t want to pass down my crazy family genes and my brain to our child. I broke up with him and texted my now husband who went to a different college that i would go to this trip planned as friends. My best friend was going with him and his friend, and invited me to go with them for free because he paid for an extra space for someone and didn’t have anyone to bring. We’re married with a beautiful two year old. There’s always options. Just saying.
He doesn’t have to “make sense” of the details and nuances of your life, you are a whole complete and autonomous person who doesn’t need to justify anything.
My bet is he’s cheating and trying to catch you in a lie to prove you’re at fault too.
I’m real pleased to hear you’re not taking this lying down but he already thinks you have a duty to explain everything about yourself and this is going to escalate. But I reckon he’s picking on altogether the wrong woman!
Good on ya sis. But get away from him and his nitpicking nonsense before it goes properly sideways.
Kind of sounds like cheaters projection.
Also, sounds like you’re super young and have only ever dated this guy. I would give the ring back.