TLDR: My boyfriend is burnout and mean to me leading up to the days he works. I have PTSD and him being activated/mean causes me to have a panic attack. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. This isn’t sustainable. I feel lost and resentful.
Like the title says, my partner has been dealing with depression, mostly from seasonal affective disorder. It runs pretty bad in his family to the point where a family member committed suicide and another family member lives where it’s sunny and warm 99% of the time.
My boyfriend (32m) is a psychiatric nurse working with extremely ill patients. The acuity where he works is very high and has been bad for the past 10 months or so, he’s also been forced into a role he didn’t want to do. Multiple coworkers assaulted by patients and out for months at a time (some hospitalized and in ICU) and he has had a couple close calls in the past but was recently attacked. He’s physically doing okay, shoulder still hurts a bit, but mentally he has been struggling a lot.
He has been mean towards me (25f) lately and is getting annoyed super easily. We’ve been together for four years. He’s being passive aggressive and straight up confrontational at times. It’s not like him, it’s not someone I want to be around, he even told me he’s not someone he wants to be around. It typically starts a day or two before his string of shifts, and he can just be so fucking mean.
I am also a nurse (doing non clinical work sometimes from home) and I have PTSD from childhood abuse/neglect and from working in the Operating Room where I was hazed because I actually gave a shit about people, regulations, and patient safety.
My boyfriend has been triggering the hell out of me and lately each time he has an angry episode, I have a panic attack. I am in therapy and have been for a couple years now, and it’s much better than it used to be, but it’s been bad with my boyfriend who I used to feel so mentally and emotionally safe around. Each time he apologizes and holds me until I come back to being myself, but I’m starting to resent him. He was in therapy, but his therapist kept on missing appointments, so he stopped going. I feel like therapy helped him, but he’s not so sure, but he seemed nicer to me/more like himself. We used to make each other laugh so easily.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave him, but I cant keep doing this. I want him to get help. I want to help him, but he mostly will video game and drink on his days off. And if I try to get him to do something to help himself, like going for a walk with me or to the gym he gets angry and calls me annoying.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m helping him apply for new jobs, but I can’t keep on being triggered and being anxious about what mood he’s going to be in. It’s typically worse the day before he goes back and he starts a fight. He’s also angry when I’m working from home and he’s doing chores around the house, but I’m not helping because I’m working.
It wasn’t always like this, we used to be really good for each other and hardly fight, and if we did we’d have reasonable conversations about it. But he’s so activated a lot of the times and then it makes me activated and I get triggered and have a panic attack.
I just need advice and help. I feel like I can’t tell my friends about it because I don’t think they’d understand. It’s a very private issue because we both have mental health issues. I just don’t know what to do and I’m looking for advice and help with this.
Comments
If your BF hasn’t been “himself” in a while, then maybe the old “himself” isn’t coming back.
If this is more than just his typical SAD, and he doesn’t want to get back into therapy, then I think you need to seriously assess whether you’d be happer with him or without him in your life. Base your assessment on the person he is and the way you interact today, not on nostalgic memories about how happy you used to be in better times.
I also suffer annually from SAD, although not anywhere near as badly as your BF and his family. I’ve found great relief with a “happy light” (bright light that mimics natural sunlight), putting it on a timer switch, and using it to wake me up naturally each morning throughout the long, dark Maine winter. It won’t take the place of therapy if your BF is clinically depressed, but it may help with the SAD. The lights are even more pricy now than when I bought mne a few decades ago, but IMO they are worth every penny. His insurance may even pay for it, if his doctor prescribes it.