Hey everyone, this might be long
So basically to keep a long story short, my (f35) ex boyfriend (m34) was a disgusting slob that didn’t wash or do anything to help around the house. He didn’t work for 5 of the 7 years we were together, and he also never once lifted a finger to help me around the house or with our baby. I begged for years for him to help and I always got excuses such as “I don’t know how to” or “my brain just doesn’t work like that”. He also stopped looking after himself and it got to the point where he would go days, sometimes weeks without showering or changing his clothes. He would only shower if he had to go somewhere and meet other people, otherwise I had to put up with the smell of him. He also used to have a problem with porn, and would watch it constantly as soon as I wasn’t home. Over the years I found PLENTY of used, crusty, stuck together socks that he had used to clean up just hidden down the side of the bed (I also had to clean stains off of the side of the bed too). I then found him messaging another girl and that was the last straw, I kicked him out.
Fast forward to today, I have been with my current boyfriend (m33) for about 2 and a half years. Everything was great at first, but he’s slowly slipped and started acting just like my ex did. He doesn’t help me around the house unless I ask, and even then sometimes he doesn’t. He works part time, but I work more and longer hours than him and I will still come home to all the washing up and the house a mess while he just sits on his PC gaming with his friends. He’s put on a lot of weight and doesn’t shower unless he needs to go to work or go out somewhere, so he can go for days without a shower, he also doesn’t change his clothes unless he has a shower, so he will sit sweating in the same pyjama bottoms and underwear for days on end. He says his “brain doesn’t work that way” when I complain about having to ask him to do simple tasks like wash up or have a shower.
A few weeks ago he had left a cup of coffee to go rancid on his desk. I told him “that’s got rancid coffee in it” and he told me he would sort it out, and he moved it onto the floor by the side of his desk. A couple of days ago it was still there so I told him I was going to throw it in the bin because it’s gross, he told me not to because he likes the cup, and he will sort it out. Yesterday while he was at work I decided to tidy up so I put the cup on his desk again as a reminder to sort it. When he came home from work he just moved it onto the floor by the side of his desk again. Even though I had tidied all day and made the room look lovely.
Yesterday was also when I made my “discovery”.
I was putting the clean clothes away. I usually don’t put my boyfriends in his wardrobe because I don’t see why I should have to, so I ask him to do it and they usually end up in a pile on the floor for days. The last time I sorted clothes out and I was going to put them away for him and he quickly went “no! I’ll do it!” And did it himself. So yesterday I thought I would just put them away for him seeing as he is at work, and it would be easier than waiting days for him to do it. When I opened the wardrobe I found one of my towels shoved in the back on top of all his clean clothes. When I pulled it out it was all crusty and stuck together with yellowing stains on it… I knew what it was straight away and was absolutely disgusted. I just threw it back where I’d found it but carried on putting clothes away and also put some of his stuff that he had left out in there so he knew I’d been in there.
When he came home he noticed straight away because he went “oh, have you tidied my stuff up?” And then I heard him quickly look in the wardrobe. Then he started almost love bombing me? Telling me every couple of minutes that he loves me, he doesn’t know why but he just feels like buying me a present. Within an hour he had asked at least 8 times if i loved him and had asked me multiple times if I was in a mood with him, so he was definitely worried that I’d found it. I just haven’t said anything because I don’t even know what to say.
What do I do? It’s completely disgusted me, but I also find it massively disrespectful when he knows my ex used to do horrible stuff like that and that I hated it. I have even spoken about what my ex used to do with my boyfriend multiple times and he has always laughed and called my ex disgusting, but now he’s doing the same thing!! I don’t understand why they keep it?? Just put the towel in the wash or use a tissue and throw it away?? Do they enjoy being fucking disgusting pigs? My Christmas decorations are in that wardrobe!
I’m so angry, disappointed, hurt… I don’t even know what to feel. I don’t know what to say because I never thought I would have to ask an adult man to shower, brush his teeth and not leave his crusty cum-rags around. Especially for a second time! It’s completely turned me off, I don’t want him near me, I don’t want him to touch me. It also hurts because he is a very squeamish guy and he doesn’t like “bodily fluids”, so when we get intimate he won’t go down on me and very rarely uses his hands on me because he doesn’t like to “get dirty”, but he won’t shower for days and leaves all his potential children on a towel in the wardrobe?! But won’t touch me because he thinks it’s dirty!!
Please someone tell me what you would do in this situation. I don’t think I want to be with him anymore but I hate confrontation and I would almost feel sorry for him if I brought it up and ended things because I know he will be upset and I don’t like to hurt people. I know that’s stupid, especially when he doesn’t care about hurting me. I just don’t know what to do or what to say, I feel so fed up… Why does this keep happening to me?!
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Backup of the post’s body: Hey everyone, this might be long
So basically to keep a long story short, my (f35) ex boyfriend (m34) was a disgusting slob that didn’t wash or do anything to help around the house. He didn’t work for 5 of the 7 years we were together, and he also never once lifted a finger to help me around the house or with our baby. I begged for years for him to help and I always got excuses such as “I don’t know how to” or “my brain just doesn’t work like that”. He also stopped looking after himself and it got to the point where he would go days, sometimes weeks without showering or changing his clothes. He would only shower if he had to go somewhere and meet other people, otherwise I had to put up with the smell of him. He also used to have a problem with porn, and would watch it constantly as soon as I wasn’t home. Over the years I found PLENTY of used, crusty, stuck together socks that he had used to clean up just hidden down the side of the bed (I also had to clean stains off of the side of the bed too). I then found him messaging another girl and that was the last straw, I kicked him out.
Fast forward to today, I have been with my current boyfriend (m33) for about 2 and a half years. Everything was great at first, but he’s slowly slipped and started acting just like my ex did. He doesn’t help me around the house unless I ask, and even then sometimes he doesn’t. He works part time, but I work more and longer hours than him and I will still come home to all the washing up and the house a mess while he just sits on his PC gaming with his friends. He’s put on a lot of weight and doesn’t shower unless he needs to go to work or go out somewhere, so he can go for days without a shower, he also doesn’t change his clothes unless he has a shower, so he will sit sweating in the same pyjama bottoms and underwear for days on end. He says his “brain doesn’t work that way” when I complain about having to ask him to do simple tasks like wash up or have a shower.
A few weeks ago he had left a cup of coffee to go rancid on his desk. I told him “that’s got rancid coffee in it” and he told me he would sort it out, and he moved it onto the floor by the side of his desk. A couple of days ago it was still there so I told him I was going to throw it in the bin because it’s gross, he told me not to because he likes the cup, and he will sort it out. Yesterday while he was at work I decided to tidy up so I put the cup on his desk again as a reminder to sort it. When he came home from work he just moved it onto the floor by the side of his desk again. Even though I had tidied all day and made the room look lovely.
Yesterday was also when I made my “discovery”.
I was putting the clean clothes away. I usually don’t put my boyfriends in his wardrobe because I don’t see why I should have to, so I ask him to do it and they usually end up in a pile on the floor for days. The last time I sorted clothes out and I was going to put them away for him and he quickly went “no! I’ll do it!” And did it himself. So yesterday I thought I would just put them away for him seeing as he is at work, and it would be easier than waiting days for him to do it. When I opened the wardrobe I found one of my towels shoved in the back on top of all his clean clothes. When I pulled it out it was all crusty and stuck together with yellowing stains on it… I knew what it was straight away and was absolutely disgusted. I just threw it back where I’d found it but carried on putting clothes away and also put some of his stuff that he had left out in there so he knew I’d been in there.
When he came home he noticed straight away because he went “oh, have you tidied my stuff up?” And then I heard him quickly look in the wardrobe. Then he started almost love bombing me? Telling me every couple of minutes that he loves me, he doesn’t know why but he just feels like buying me a present. Within an hour he had asked at least 8 times if i loved him and had asked me multiple times if I was in a mood with him, so he was definitely worried that I’d found it. I just haven’t said anything because I don’t even know what to say.
What do I do? It’s completely disgusted me, but I also find it massively disrespectful when he knows my ex used to do horrible stuff like that and that I hated it. I have even spoken about what my ex used to do with my boyfriend multiple times and he has always laughed and called my ex disgusting, but now he’s doing the same thing!! I don’t understand why they keep it?? Just put the towel in the wash or use a tissue and throw it away?? Do they enjoy being fucking disgusting pigs? My Christmas decorations are in that wardrobe!
I’m so angry, disappointed, hurt… I don’t even know what to feel. I don’t know what to say because I never thought I would have to ask an adult man to shower, brush his teeth and not leave his crusty cum-rags around. Especially for a second time! It’s completely turned me off, I don’t want him near me, I don’t want him to touch me. It also hurts because he is a very squeamish guy and he doesn’t like “bodily fluids”, so when we get intimate he won’t go down on me and very rarely uses his hands on me because he doesn’t like to “get dirty”, but he won’t shower for days and leaves all his potential children on a towel in the wardrobe?! But won’t touch me because he thinks it’s dirty!!
Please someone tell me what you would do in this situation. I don’t think I want to be with him anymore but I hate confrontation and I would almost feel sorry for him if I brought it up and ended things because I know he will be upset and I don’t like to hurt people. I know that’s stupid, especially when he doesn’t care about hurting me. I just don’t know what to do or what to say, I feel so fed up… Why does this keep happening to me?!
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girl dump him 💀
You’re recognising the patterns in your relationships, this is a very good thing and the first step to making changes in your life. What I say next is said wtih compassion and kindess but it may sting. You are choosing to remain in unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships – you need to take time to understand why. Your role is not to take care of someone, other than your child, nor is it to spend your time nagging and reminding an adult to, well, behave like an adult. He’s showing you who he is, believe him. Show yourself compassion, recognise that this is a pattern likely from childhood and exit the relationship.
Neither you, nor your child, deserves to live with a person that isn’t willing to show up for themselves, let alone you. Move on, get a therapist and live a happy life
You’re doing a disservice to yourself by staying with him. Run, don’t walk. Free yourself
I stopped reading less than halfway through because I couldn’t be fucked to read the rest. I don’t wanna be harsh here but I’m gonna be very plain with you.
STOP ADOPTING CRAPPY MAN CHILDREN.
You don’t want that. You want a nice stable comfortable person to have kids with someday. You need to stop adopting crappy man children because you need to find a real relationship (rather than an adoption) with a person who is also capable of handling themselves and being a parent.
Break up with him.
Both these men are disgusting. I have never dated nor met a man who lives like this so this whole thing seems so weird to me. The fact you clean up after them and let it go on so long, I’m sorry but that is the enabler in you. The fact you say there were no signs at the beginning, hmm are you sure? What did you overlook? What were their homes like when you were dating? Did they live on their own, did they clean up after themselves etc. barring some sort of deep depression it seems wild that both these men were hygienic and productive members of their households and just suddenly turned into disgusting slobs without any warning signs prior.
Sometimes you get what you accept. Respect yourself enough to walk away, I could never and would never! Didn’t you learn the first time?
Duuuummmmmmppp hiiiiiiimmmm
I got the ick from reading this… maybe just opt out
You’re subjecting your kid to this.
You’re more scared of mild confrontation than you care about your kid living in Jizz City.
Why does this keep happening to you? YOU LET IT.
C’mon lady.
Im not reading that… are your bags packed ?
What is up with all these guys and their prehistoric cum rags…..
You kick him out and find a new boyfriend?? Every time they reveal themselves like this in the relationship that’s the real them, as soon as this stuff happens in the future and they don’t change dump them like a hot potato. Not all men are like this, don’t accept this behaviour, you aren’t his mother
You won’t be hurting him by dumping him. He is the only one responsible for his feelings and just like you have to manage your own hurt and pain when you’re hurt, you just have to trust that he’s an adult who can manage his own emotions and do the same. Breaking up isn’t a weapon being used to hurt him it’s the path you’re taking towards happiness and peace of mind for yourself.
Somewhere out there is your true future partner. He’s waiting for you so you can both start the life you deserve. You’re making him wait needlessly while you keep this loser around. Hurry up and get done here and consider some short term counseling to help you break this pattern so that you can recognize your true partner when you finally meet him.
Two sides to every story I’m sure he could also say a thing or two or more 😂
Hon, you’re asking for advice maybe because you’re hoping you will get a different answer to the one you already know is true.
It’s not coming. I’m sorry. 💔 You know what you have to do.
If you’re asking because you need validation for that decision: you have it.
Didn’t bother reading the post, the title says enough. End it and run for the hills. Otherwise go back to the ex. There’s a reason why they are called ex’s.
I’m sorry, this is hard and these guys are gross.
By not temporarily hurting your boyfriend by kicking him out, breaking up, having the hard conversation; you’re hurting yourself.
You can’t put someone else before yourself. Who will put you first? You have to do that, that’s your job.
I saw a video on TikTok recently that really shook me. A woman was saying to never tell new partners how past partners hurt you or why you broke up. She said it’s like giving the new partner the guidebook on how to hurt you.
I would suggest you do yourself a favor, and with the next relationship, don’t mention the disgusting behavior that you put up with for so long here. At least not specifically. Telling on yourself that you will put up with them never lifting a finger is probably a bad idea. And before you move in together, try to make sure they can maintain their space without a maid (you). Anyone can pull it off once or twice but over time their real habits will show themselves. It doesn’t have to pass a white glove inspection but no moldy dishes, no piles of laundry up to the ceiling, etc are good signs. You don’t mention if your daughter still lives with you but if she does, you are teaching her to put up with this from a partner and that it’s acceptable if she does everything. In fact, I wonder about the relationship between your own parents. If it was normal for your mother to do everything. But if you move in with someone who’s never lived away from home before and their mother took care of everything they probably won’t know how to take care of their own place
You know you should go. I’m disgusted for you
Gurl please.just leave. You can’t fix men like this.
You are a literal doormat, or more accurately, their maid/mother. My mother taught me to take care of myself and the house, and I do the same for my wife and family. Stop making excuses for these grown men. They can’t even satisfy you intimately because of xyz reasons. Lol I would be so embarrassed to be constantly taking, taking, taking and not giving back. Btw, I’m a huge competitive gamer, but I make sure my house is in order first.
You continue to CHOOSE (it’s important that you understand that this is a CHOICE that YOU continue to make) to stay in relationships that are unfulfilling with awful partners. If you want something different than that, you need to start making better choices.
You can’t change anyone. All you can do is make choices about your life. Right now, all of YOUR choices are coming with some pretty awful consequences (ie., not having your partner do his share of the work, having a partner the smells, having a partner that’s a terrible role model for your child, having a partner who basically contributes nothing). If you don’t want those consequences, then YOU need to start making better choices. It’s really that simple. Not easy, but simple.
You got a type.
I fucking love this sub, thanks for the entertainment.
As for your boyfriend I think you know what to do. It sounds pretty gross.
Top comment is very very right. You have a pattern. You’re not the only person to do that! When I was younger (and before I realised I was a lesbian lol), I’d date men that were… “projects”. Like somehow I’d change them, heal them, make them better.
But the point is. You’re supposed to be a girlfriend. Not a mother, not a therapist, not a social worker.
You deserve a relationship where you get treated with respect, where your partner brings light and positivity into your life. Especially if you have a child! Because children absolutely do absorb the relationship patterns of their parents, and I don’t think you want that for your kiddo!
I wish you luck and I wish you love, you deserve better!
What a sad day for literacy
This is really sad. Id just like to remind you of the phrase “we accept the love we think we deserve”. I dont know you at all, but if you keep finding yourself with men like this and you find it difficult to leave, try and reflect inward and figure out what exactly is keeping you from leaving/kicking them out. Is it fear of loneliness? Do you need to feel needed by someone? Etc. also id definitely recommend building a strong routine outside of your partners even in the future. They can be a part of your life but shouldnt be the center of it. You are in control of your life and no one else. Dont waste years and tears on people who dont value or care for u. Best of luck to you op.
Saying this as a guy who kinda gave up 3 years into a relationship, got fat, didn’t care about my hygiene and stopped doing chores or actual showers (always had a job tho). He might be depressed. Personally if you see a future with this guy then first step is going to couples counseling and having him meet with a psychiatrist and therapist. A lot of guys don’t feel comfortable talking about their mental health because typically we are told from a young age to just suck it up and deal with it.
I saw in one of your comments that you have a hard time with confrontation. Trust me this confrontation will either end the relationship or he will work on becoming the man you’ve always wanted.
Just my 2 cents
How do you justify keeping your child in this situation?
If you sat down with a friend who was telling you the same exact thing, what would you tell her? I’d ask her why she thinks she deserves to be with someone who doesn’t respect her after everything she’s done. The bare minimum at this point is to clean up after oneself. If they can’t even respect their own partner with this, how can they respect you with everything else? See people for who they are and not what you hope them to be. The only thing that can change is having to deal with this man child because at the end of the day actions over words and he’s shown he doesn’t care. Now what do you do? You choose yourself, and make a list of what you DO want in a partner and on the top of that list I bet you it’ll be “someone who doesn’t need to be told what to do”, and you realize that you deserve better~