My bf and I both 22 have been dating for a year now. He’s so incredibly insecure, actually just an hour ago, we were about to have sex and I was kissing him and he stopped me, asked me if I’m bored of him and sex with him and I just got taken aback.
In the beginning he was fine but over time, around the 5 month mark he started getting really weird, he was telling me I shouldn’t talk to male coworkers, it’s my fault that men flirt with me and on my birthday, he ruined it by asking me how big all the people I slept with were, and also made me name all of their names.
He started wanting us to spend all of our free time together since we don’t live together so I made the effort to go over after work, and spend my entire days off at his place. If I don’t kiss him a certain amount of times a day, that just means I don’t love him, and he will tell me that. If I get less touchy that also means I hate him, and that I’m going to find another man, obviously.
I’ve done everything in my power to make this man feel secure. And it just won’t work I don’t know what else to do. It’s like everything with him is a house of cards and anything I do will just mess it all up. He wants constant attention constant physical touch constant phone calls we can’t sleep without calling or that means to him, that I don’t like him anymore. This is so incredibly unattractive to me.
I can’t see him like a man anymore, I don’t feel the same, I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells no matter what I do I need to do right by him or he will get sad and pout.
He’s changing now and I know he wants to do better by me, but I fear it’s too late. I don’t know what to do. Can I bring back my attraction?
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You can’t live like this, and thank god you don’t live together. You’re 22. Let this one go. And be safe! Also, on the off chance any idiot demands numbers and sizes (wtf?) again, you’re answer is “we’re done here.”
Leave
You’re only 22! Other men out here
This is actually controlling. All of this is get you to give him complete control over you.
Walk away all count it as a learning experience
I‘m very sorry you are in this situation!
I had a similar experience a year ago were I was dating a man and from the start something kinda felt off and the more time we spend together the clingier he got and I had the same feeling of not being attracted to his insecure behaviour and I felt miserable about it. The fact that he was so insecure about things, like me not being physically attracted to him, at some point made me question myself and I felt like he might actually be right even thought it was never an actual issue!
At some point it just felt so wrong to continue dating someone who was putting me on a pedestal like that and where I also felt, just like you described, that no matter what I did it would never be enough because he was constantly looking for „mistakes“ I was making in his mind.
So it was kinda this self-fulfilling prophecy that he always thought I would leave him and that’s exactly what happened in the end… He was incredibly mad and disappointed but I know it was for the best for both of us
don’t force yourself to love him. you either do or you don’t. don’t stay with him because you feel bad for him or out of guilt.
Use it as a learning experience on what you like and what you don’t and drop the whole man. This is not a phase it is a fundamental make up of his mind. I don’t think there’s a magic button or phrase you could say or push, and you tried reassuring him in the way you know best (whatever that is). If that’s not good enough for him, then move on. You aren’t giving him what he needs (nor should you bend to that), and he isn’t giving you what you need in stability.
If/when you break up, expect him to gaslight you and temporarily change his ways to pretend to be what you need. Key words pretend and temporary.
There is nothing you can do
he’s not insecure – he’s controlling. he’s conditioning you to do whatever he wants, and to put his needs above yours.
toss this one back, they’re not ready yet.
Girl run what the fuck
Nope, get out of there now. I have the same exact story- around 4.5 months he started expressing dislike for my friends, asking me to stop hanging out with my (extremely gay) male best friend. Wanted me to drive 40 minutes to his house in rush hour traffic after class every single day, because if I didn’t that meant that I didn’t really care about him. Didn’t matter what I had going on. I tried everything to make him feel comfortable. It didn’t work. He would cry to me about how he was just so insecure and he couldn’t help it. I tried to give him a chance. But after several months of this, it just kept getting worse. He made my life hell every time I tried to hang out with my friends. He would blow up my phone while I was with them and start fights, or start fights with me before I was about to leave so that I would cancel my plans. Then he forced me to quit my job so that I could spend more time with him. Started going through my phone and social medias, constant accusations of cheating. If I took more than one or two minutes to reply to his messages, all hell would break loose.
I could literally go on and on about this and all of the crazy shit that boy did. I could probably write a whole book honestly. But the point is. This is a very specific type of man who behaves this way. Call it insecure, controlling, abusive, I don’t know. But they all have the same playbook. I’ve seen this type of guy now many times. It always starts “small,” they tell you some sob story about how insecure they are so that you feel bad for them and try to cater to their emotions. It feels very genuine, and maybe it is. But trying to meet their demands becomes exhausting. They will never be satisfied because their insecurity is a deep-rooted issue that has absolutely nothing to do with you. You cannot fix them. They need therapy and actual help from mental health professionals. Nothing that you can offer them will be enough, unless you let them take you prisoner basically. And even then they’ll probably still find something to get insecure about.
Just walk away. Don’t be like me and stay for 2 years and have to rebuild your entire life because you lost every single one of your friends, have no job, and now have severe anxiety from being abused. I’m okay now, this was years ago, but damn. Still wish I left so much earlier. He really took everything I had and it took me years to rebuild my life.
He’s controlling on top of insecure. You don’t need this. And you’re too young to waste time trying to feel attracted to someone. It should be easy when you’re 22, not work. He’s not the right one for you. And he needs to work on himself to ever be a decent option for anyone else. Set him free to fix himself.
Think about all the destruction this world and women endure because of insecure men.
I swear this is nothing on earth more time consuming, energy consuming, and destructive than insecure, mediocre men.
Men that aren’t insecure and mediocre work on themselves. They built themselves up, physically and mentally. They support others and accept support from others. They ask for help, they aren’t afraid to be honest, they make far better decisions.
They also see women as human beings who are allowed to move about in this world as they see fit. They aren’t afraid to trust or love.
When I think about all the time and energy I’ve wasted over insecure men… I would do anything to get it back. Time and energy are such precious resources. (I’m old).
As an incredibly insecure person, this isn’t okay. You should leave. Maybe do the breakup in a public place or over the phone, tho?