Okay so me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a few months. Lately though it seems as if he’s only genuinely happy to be around me and spend time with me if we’re intimate. For starters, I don’t think this is all he wants me for, and I know it’s not all he wants me for, but I need advice on what to do.
When me and my boyfriend first started dating, I was very inexperienced in relationships because this is basically my first one. I told him from almost the very beginning I wanted to wait until marriage to have any sort of intimate activity, and it seemed like he understood this and was okay with it. Fast forward a little while, he wants to make out, so, we start making out. Fast forward a little more, like a few days or so, and he starts groping my chest. Me being me I didn’t say anything about it because this is my first relationship and I was worried I would upset him. Fast forward a little longer, a week or two, and he wants me to give him a blow job. This made me feel a little nervous at the idea of that, maybe it was just because it intimidated me, or maybe just the intimacy of it in general made me nervous, but I went along with it anyways. Mind you this happened just a little over a month after we got together. It wasn’t much longer after that when we were intimate for the first time. I was very nervous about the situation, and I vaguely remember myself saying “no, no, I’m scared,” but I mean I was smiling and stuff but my eyes were watering and he was telling me it was okay and that it was fine, and then we went the full way.
After that it seemed that every time we hung out, we had sex. Every. Single. Time. We usually hang out a few days a week, so this was definitely a lot. I liked it for a little bit, but then it was like I got completely burnt out. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because we did it so much, but it just felt like I wasn’t really being loved the way I wanted to. We both have different ways of showing our affection and stuff, and for me it just felt like I wasn’t getting the love I want, if that makes sense.
The other issue I have is our communication. So obviously everyone is gonna have their days where they don’t really wanna talk, and they’re gonna have things they don’t want to talk about, but it’s like you’ll still try. I try to communicate whenever I feel a certain way, and it’s just like whenever I do he completely shuts down. And it’s like I’m just talking to a wall. He never really expands on anything, and he just starts giving me super short answers while I can tell he is upset. Like I understand if you don’t wanna talk, but to not want to talk at all is just, it’s not good for a relationship. Communication is such an important thing, and I try so hard with it but it feels like he doesn’t.
I feel as if everything I’m saying right now is just the negative side so I should definitely shine some more light on the situation. He is not a bad person by no means, he’s a very hard worker, and he has very good and strong morals, and he genuinely just works very hard. We go out to eat every now and then, and when it’s going good it is so good. Like he’s so cute and he’s so sweet but then it’s just like if something happens, even if it’s small, he will just shut down. He’s very respectful and he has good manners and he treats me pretty well. This is why I’m at such a loss because I love him so much, but whenever I try to talk to him about these things he just shuts down. As for what the title means, I need to expand on it. What I mean is that if we don’t do anything intimate at all, like even if I’m on my period and stuff, he just seems upset and then when we get on FaceTime when he goes home later he still seems upset. But say if we are intimate, he’s so much more giddier and happier.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Comments
You’re dating a boy instead of a man.
There is a high chanve that he is only with you for easy access to sex and nothing will reslly change that.
It sounds like you have different sex drives. Also he raped you, your first time. You said no and he continued. That’s messed up. You’re young and you will find someone else who respects what YOU want in the relationship. Good luck girly, it’s hard but you got this.
Not to be rude but it reminds me of pavlov..
And tbh it’s manipulation, if he’s giving you hot and cold shoulder according to his wishes..
I’m so sorry. Your boyfriend is EXACTLY the kind of guy everyone is trying to avoid by not having sex before marriage. He coerced you into sex, sound like maybe you didn’t even consent, snd then once he got sex he’s using you for your body. I know you think he’s a good person because you love him and see his good points, but a good person would have waited for you to be ready and actually WANT sex. I don’t know how old you are but if you’re under 18 you need to talk to a trusted adult who can support you breaking up with him. I don’t believe that it’s wrong to have sex before marriage but if that was your plan and he didn’t even respect it for a month, then unfortunately your feeling matter less to him than having sex.
Sex can be amazing but it sounds like yours is not, and I think that’s because he’s not doing it to be intimate with you and show his love and affection, he’s just trying to get off, and it sounds like he’s probably not being a good lover. Does he ask what you like, check what you like, ask for feedback, respect your requests, and make sure you orgasm before he does? Because if not, you can absolutely do better and then you’ll be so frustrated that you wasted a whole year on someone who didn’t make sex into an uplifting, joyous emotional and physical connection. YOU are supposed to feel equally giddy and happy after sex as he does. You’re supposed to feel better about yourself and your body from sharing it with someone who truly values you. Please don’t settle for this guy who doesn’t show whether he really loves you.
He’s a lustful man. That’s it.
You can justify, try get around it all you want. But if someone is going to prioritise their sex drive over a future with you it’s not worth it. I’m not blaming him at all for wanting sex, but there are limits if you aren’t willing. So if you can’t, don’t. If he can’t handle it, and he is unhappy when you can’t and guilt trips you that leans to manipulation.
OVERALL, with the very little life experience I have. If this is a problem and no understanding and patience is shown. Then let it go bro.
Is the bar this low? Why are you still with him after he’s repeatedly shows he cares more about getting off than making you feel safe and loved?
Just stop right now.
I am married and for a long time after my first baby I did not want sex at all. Ever. Did not want to be touched for a very very very long time.
And I started to feel so bad about it… and so I would force myself to just try to be ok with it, but you can’t fake that…
And so my husband noted it, and he asked me if I was okay, and if I felt okay… and under all this pressure I finally cracked and told him, and when I did he almost started to cry.
He said he would never ever want me to feel that way. And he changed everything about the approach and how we “cued” into each other, and it just changed everything for me.
I love him so so so much.
He is my everything.
I hope everyone finds someone to love them the way he loves me… unconditional love is really something special that every human must have regardless of… anything, really. ♥️
I wish you the best on your journey… and listen to YOUR BODY. your body is trying to communicate with you through feelings, don’t pretend like you don’t exist… that’s just denial of reality.
You need to speak with a therapist for young adults or someone that can help you navigate how to exit this relationship. You need to get away from this person.
You should have said no when he pushed your boundaries and broken up with him if he persisted.
I don’t want a partner who disrespects me and doesn’t advocate for my wants and needs.
What you do going forward is your choice, but he sounds like a very shitty partner. I’d find a new one.
emotionally manipulated to the tea
When people show you who they are
Believe them
You’ve been repeatedly taken advantage of and manipulated please seek counseling with a professional familiar with trauma and abuse.
> After that it seemed that every time we hung out, we had sex. Every. Single. Time. We usually hang out a few days a week, so this was definitely a lot.
I don’t know how old you guys are – but that’s how normal relationships work.
Sounds like you aren’t compatible – I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want sex and I would find it abusive if I loved that person and they tried to make me marry them before they slept with me. I wouldn’t let it get that far, obviously.
It seems that you are incompatible but ALSO he is not accepting or respecting your feelings or boundaries and for that he is an asshole.
Honey, he coerced you into sex, he doesn’t like you or women.
If he never hangs out or is happy with you without sex, he is a bad man. He didn’t care that you were basically crying during sex
Do you hear me, bad man.
Break up, get therapy and learn to hold boundaries.
this sounds like my ex almost exactly. the only difference was that when we first got together, he was a virgin & i was not. First time we had sex was maybe on week 2 or 3 of dating and then. every. single. time. we. saw. one. another. Literally the only exception was when I got my wisdom teeth removed, and when he came to visit he ASKED ME to give him head. I said no, and he shut down & ignored me for the rest of the week while I recovered from surgery.
any other cases where i wasn’t bending over backwards to make him or his dick happy he would give me the silent treatment and act cold and mean.
all of it is manipulation. i know it’s hard to hear, especially since you originally wanted to wait to be intimate, but he doesn’t love you – he just lusts over you
OP, are you getting what YOU want out of the relationship?
Because if you aren’t, and it sounds like you don’t feel loved and don’t feel any emotional intimacy, it’s okay to leave. We get into relationships in the hopes of increasing our own personal happiness, and if we’re not happy, and don’t see the prospect of future happiness, we don’t have to stay.
This is manipulation and control. You may be right that he is a good person in other areas of his life, but in this area, he is not. Your first time was NOT with enthusiastic consent or even consent if you were saying no, that means that was assault. I am sorry if this is a hard truth to accept, but there are men out there who would never have pressured you to do ANY of these things. Please leave him, OP, and talk to a counselor about all this.
Get away from him asap.
You can hang out without doing anything intimate, the way he’s acting and not saying anything shows that he’s only there for one thing.
I sounds to me like no mutual respect that should form the basis of a long lasting loving relationship. Find someone whom you are comparable with, who respects you and cares for you. You do not have that now. You seem to have a manipulative controlling person who will only treat you like they want and not like a loving caring partner should. Believe in yourself. Walk away.
You gave negatives and how that impacts you directly, but the positives you have were nothing positive he brings to you or impact you directly. you said he is hard working and has a good moral compass. ok, but where’s the he makes you feel loved, cared for, he knows how to comfort you when you are down or he knows your favourite drink or sweet treats to cheer you up, nothing about how he supports you in your career/studies. Just something to think about and what I observed.
I also echo everything that everyone else is saying. The first time even if you didn’t say no, he should have noted your body language the years in your eyes and stopped there and then not talk you round to doing it. Knowing it was your first time, there should have been a conversation first about how you are feeling, if you want to and your boundaries should have been respected. He doesn’t have any respect for you as a person
He’s only using you for sex and doesn’t value you as a partner. Sorry 😬
“no, no, I’m scared”
He raped you.
This person is not someone who treats you well or even someone who is safe to be around.
Oh baby he’s using you
This man does not deserve the title of boyfriend. He sees you as a convenient human fleshlight. He’s completely disinterested in your wants, needs, desires, and even consent. Men like him often figure out at an early age how to be charismatic, make you feel special, and turn up the love bombing at the start of our relationship. You deserve more and only you can set that boundary. This isn’t the type of thing that is worth trying to communicate through because he is an adult and adults Know that you shouldn’t have to tell your partner not to rape you in order for it to not be something that happens. Love yourself enough to know that there’s someone out there who will worship your mind, body and soul. That right person will be deeply invested in ensuring that any intimacy is mutually enjoyable and mutually desired. Someone who constantly pressured a partner for sex or has a desire for singular enjoyment is not someone with the high sex drive. It is someone who has a high need for personal fulfillment and little consideration for who is hurt in the process.
so do you want to be a sex doll for a man who isn’t paying for your whole livelihood or do you want a partner?
For future reference, never tell a man that you are waiting for sex until marriage unless you are actually prepared to wait. Many men will try to test you in order to see if they can change your mind. If they successfully change your mind, (especially after only a month or two) then you lost their respect and they start to view you as someone who can be easily manipulated. Unfortunately, this takes you out of the “wife category” and puts you in the “fun category”.
OP, because you are young and this is your first relationship you don’t have the perspective to understand how bad this is.
“When it is going good it is so good” is pretty meaningless when you are being consistently pressured for sex and the “good” goes away if he doesn’t get laid every single time he wants that. It’s “so good” only when you give him carte blanche access to your body.
You also say he is a good man with good morals, but we know this is not true. Knowing you wanted to wait, he pressured you into sex you weren’t ready for. Observing you crying and hearing you saying no, he went ahead and had his way with you. Didn’t even stop to consider why you might be having some mixed feelings. Has zero consideration for you when you are bleeding and in pain.
That is not a good man with good morals. That is aan who cares more about getting his dick wet than anything else, including you.
Add to that the complete inability to communicate. You’re scared to be straightforward lest he gets angry or leave you. He has no interest in actually conversing with you about important relationships issues and negotiating things to the benefit of both of you.
You need to be very clear with yourself on this. You’re not going to change him, persuade him, change his character. There’s no secret trick for that. This is who he is as a person. This is what you’re going to get from him in the relationship.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Dump his ass!
Feels like you got lovebombed and manipulated. Dont put pressure on yourself to get intimate with him. U dont owe him anything especially things u dont want to do
He’s just using you for sex. Your needs and emotions take a backset to his wants