Hi everyone,
I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (27M) for almost two years now, and we’ve been officially together for nearly a year. Until today, things felt stable. We’ve had our ups and downs, like any couple, but I genuinely thought we had something solid.
But earlier today, we had a strange and honestly unsettling phone call. He asked me if I wanted to go play soccer with him and I said no. I was tired, not in the mood, and just didn’t feel like doing something so physical at that moment.
But then, out of nowhere, he got quiet. And then he started saying things like “I don’t know if we’re compatible” and “Maybe we’re just too different”. Over not wanting to play soccer. He said that if I can’t share something that he loves with him, it makes him question the relationship.
Now I feel completely blindsided. I love this man. But the fact that a casual “no” to a simple activity can spiral into him questioning our entire relationship makes me feel extremely insecure, confused, and hurt.
Is this normal? Am I missing something here? How do I deal with someone who throws the entire relationship into question because of one small disagreement? Am I being dramatic… or is he?
Any advice is welcome. I’m honestly heartbroken and so confused.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
That sounds childish if it’s just because you don’t want to play soccer
He’s gotta go sorry
Sounds like he’s been looking for something to become a breakup conversation. He’s probably been sitting on unaddressed resentment of some kind and now doesn’t know where to put it.
If it helps, I can guarantee that this is not about you not wanting to play soccer. That’s completely illogical.
Instead, it sounds like he’s been struggling with the relationship and hasn’t found a way to to talk to you about it. This is typical passive aggressive behavior. He says nothing at all to you (passive) and this leads to an extreme over-reaction (aggressive).
It sucks and it’s scary, but you need to ask him what is really behind this.
He doesn’t want to be with you.
The advice is, talk to him.
“Hey, I wasn’t feeling up to playing soccer and you immediately jumped to questioning the relationship. That feels like a huge leap to me, can we talk about it?”
It isn’t about the soccer.
Either he is the most childish person in the world, or it’s a pattern he have seen with you. Or less of a pattern, and more a goal and vision he had for a future partner, that you at least a few time have made him question,
So it’s about the soccer but also not. Maybe only soccer but plural, as in some separat things connected to soccer.
A few things possible:
1.) this is related to a bigger issue/theme. I don’t know if you’ve turned down some of the things he’s liked before and this is just the one that set him off. Obviously that needs to be a different conversation than just being pissed about soccer
2.) He’s anxious about the relationship becoming serious and he’s trying to get out in more of a fight or flight way
3.) He genuinely has been looking for a reason to get out for awhile and he just picked this one because “I don’t want to do this anymore” is a harder conversation than just going off the rails about something minor
Updateme!
Rolling my eyes out loud. Give me a break please. He wants to break up but does not have the football to do it and wants you to do it. Children are more mature than this. Why men.
Agree with the trend here, it feels like he is not communicating well and used this random recent disagreement to unload pent up resentment/feelings. Maybe talking will get him to explain better, but seems wise to be ready for an exit.
Maybe this whole soccer thing is just a symptom, maybe he’s been wondering if you two are compatible on deeper levels too. Like, have his passions ever really aligned with yours? Talk about it and see what bubbles up.
You didn’t really mention whether or not you all regularly engage in hobbies of each others or not? Like was you saying you didn’t wanna play soccer a completely one off thing or is that how those interactions usually go?
Just feels weird that you intentionally left out pretty relevant details in that regard
There is a lot more going on than what I can deduce from your post. This is NOT just about soccer.
He’s picking a fight to end things
I mean you’ve been together for 2 years but “official” for nearly a year gives you a clue he’s not serious with you. Usually it’s weeks or a couple of months before it’s official not this long
This is obviously not about soccer. As others have said if you constantly not up for doing things maybe he’s realizing he wants a partner that is up for having fun. I know for me it’s extremely important that my partner is up tor adventure. My husband have a rule where we always say yes to adventure even if we don’t feel like it because we always end up enjoying it. But, if you saying no is a rarity then he’s just a turd and I’m sorry. He’s just looking for an excuse.
There’s definitely more to this, it sounds like something he’s been thinking and this brought things to a head. Talk to him about what’s coming up for him and what else has made him feel this way, because I bet you this isn’t the first time he’s had this thought
The thing to understand here. Is that this isn’t about not going to play soccer. Its usually never really about the thing that causes someone to pull away. Its often due to a series of things that he never tried to address with you when he wasn’t happy. Instead each instance something happened, it goes into the box. Usually because people don’t know how to address issues in a healthy matter, I don’t want to speak for him, but they usually just don’t want a disagreement. Until the box is so full that when “soccer gate” happened it’s suddenly this massive issue over such a tiny event.
It’s not healthy behaviour for him or you. I hope this is food for thought and maybe try ask him why this one situation for him was particularly hard to accept.
No one on reddit is really going to know for sure why it played out in this way. But this particular situation is common in relationships when there is a failure to communicate (he failed to communicate how he was feeling).
I wish you well finding answers
You are missing something.. whatever the bigger issue is that he’s been keeping from you. That, or he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do.
A bigger conversation needs to be had, but you are wise to be on alert about this.
how often do you say yes to playing soccer
Have you played soccer with him before? Is this a usual thing the two of you do or something new that he wants you to try?
Can’t tell if this is about something else or if he regularly suggests things that you then turn down and this is the breaking point. Could also be that there is some significance to this soccer game that he didn’t make clear.
He could have been looking for an excuse to dump you, or you not going to soccer is part of a larger pattern of not joining him in activities that he feels are important. Only you can answer that last part.
heyyyyy chatgpt what’s up can I get a recipe for brownies pls