I [f30] already have a child and my boyfriend who I have been with for a year and a half [m30] first said that me and my child were enough for him. He has now decided he wants a child of his own. It is not easy for me to have another for health reasons, and I’m not sure if I even want another after the trauma of the first round. Additionally I’m only now starting to get some freedom back due to my child getting older. He has said this is a deal breaker, he has backed off and told me I need to make a decision about what I want.
We are not in a situation though where it is even easy to make up my mind as we don’t live together etc. and it puts so much pressure on me and I feel like me and my child arnt enough. I feel forced into having another instead of letting it potentially bloom naturally.
I also had a really hard time with my child’s dad, a lot of trauma and am petrified of being a single mother again if we don’t work out, but this time being a single parent with two kids instead of one.
I also worry that he is so desperate for a child because of his own childhood traumas and that when he realises how difficult it is, he may decide he wants to leave
What can I do to help make my mind up? Does it really mean we are not enough or is that just in my head?
Please give me advice!
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He won’t commit after you have the baby either. Just a hunch.
> I feel forced into having another instead of letting it potentially bloom naturally.
That’s because he is forcing it. He said it was enough, so I am guessing both of you agreed to not pursue children, but now he’s changed his mind.
> I also worry that he is so desperate for a child because of his own childhood traumas and that when he realises how difficult it is, he may decide he wants to leave
That is a completely valid worry. Children aren’t easy and will take 18+ years of parenting.
In my opinion, I would only choose to have a kid unless it is YOUR CHOICE and WITHOUT the pressuring, so no.
You both need therapy. Do not bring a child into this situation.
Please don’t have a child with him. Never have a child for someone else that you aren’t sure you want. I despise the bait and switch. He figured he could change your mind. He probably always wanted his own child.
” Dat my Baby Daddy”
Year and a half and he’s now making demands of you and your body. Nope. You don’t live together and he’s got no real idea what its like to live with you or your child. He want things way backwards and I’d not be surprised if he’s got other kids. Commitment comes first, then a kid. Don’t have a child with him. This is just manipulation. Please consider ending the relationship.
I’m really sorry OP, but I think realistically, your relationship is over.
At best, you aren’t ready to have another child. At worst, you don’t want another at all.
That makes you two incompatible. Things might change for you in future, but that’s irrelevant because as things are right now, you are incompatible.
If he wants a child of his own and you do not want to birth another child, you are not compatible. It’s not about being “enough” or not.
You also do not even live together yet. This is a great time to end this, knowing you have different stances on this!
Do not bend to having another child just to stay with some man, endangering your health and your autonomy. And, frankly, unless you’re very well off, having another kid will absolutely impact the type of life you can provide for the child you already have.
You’re not compatible, and that’s okay. And it’s also not some referendum on your worth.
I feel like your uncertainty is the answer. Unless you are enthusiastic about having a child, you should not have one with him.
From what i read every male under 30 has been Traumatized.
I think you already know the answer, love. I would go ahead and cut it off because it does not sound like you would end up happy with basically being forced into it to save a relationship that may or may not last regardless of the child. Follow your gut instinct.
He’s trying to baby trap you. Leave now, he’s not going to commit to you. You both would benefit from therapy.
He’s not it. You’ve only been together 18 months, and he wants a baby? Better still, he wants a baby BEFORE he commits! He can walk away from his kid whenever he wants – from the moment he knocks you up.
No – you’ve been there, done that.
Your first move is to tell him “Hell, no! I’m not getting pregnant with the hope that you’ll eventually get around to committing to me. How stupid do you think I am?”
After that,ask him why he wants a kid with you. Is he jealous of your ex? Jealous of your kid? Does he want a living representation of his deep love for you (ha!)?
You need to decide if any part of you actually wants another kid. Sounds like you don’t want another now, and you might never want another.
Keep in mind that if you’re not living with this guy, you already are a single mom.
If you decide to stay with him, insist on marriage BEFORE you make a baby. Anything else is deliberately self-destructive.
If you’re smart you won’t have a kid with someone who’s not committed.
Do you plan on being married before considering having a child together? Or is this a have my child before I commit to marrying you for situation?
It sounds like he’s trying to get you to dump him because he wants to break up but wants to be the victim. Let him know you are dumping him because he’s an asshole.
No, you don’t have a baby without commitment.
Having a child with him is a very bad idea, he isn’t the right fit for you and you need to stop deluding yourself and let him go. You know this isn’t working, believe it and let it end. You will find something better than this, don’t settle for his misery, manipulation, guilt tripping, and non-committal, stipulatory BS and try to call it “love.” It’s not love, it’s more misery in a hand basket, realize it and move on and away from it.
You and your child are not enough for him.
It would be different if he married you and you both decided you wanted to share a biological child – but this isn’t that.
He’s not committing to you. He’s giving you an ultimatum where you have all the risk. The health risk – what happens to your child if you stroke out or have complications with this pregnancy that end your life? What happens if he changes his mind at any point? You have all the risk and responsibility. He could be just saying he wants a kid as a test of your “loyalty” – and then what?
This is a terrible red flag. I would let him walk before I risked my health, wealth and well-being at what seems to be a capricious request on his part. I would start to really scrutinize this relationship. I would definitely NOT have a baby with this man before a real commitment (ie. Marriage).
He’s trying to blackmail you into being tied to him permanently. Dont have another child unless you want one, but insist on the commitment first. That should be your deal breaker. You’re not a rental uterus because he decided he wants a kid.
In any other relationship the issue of children is a deal breaker, I don’t see it being any different here. I don’t see anyone has being right or wrong in this scenario. It is completely legitimate that he wants a child of his own. And, it is perfectly fine for you to say no. I think it is probably best if you both go your separate ways. If you stay together, one of you will have to compromise, and none of you will be happy.
He won’t commit regardless. He just wants the child without any other commitment to you. You aren’t married, you aren’t even living together, and he wants to pressure you into having a child? F*ck that noise! Dump him.
Your child is not his child. Let him go if you don’t want more kids. Wanting your own child has nothing to do with childhood trauma. You’re just having a hard time with the fact that he realized he wants his own. Stop trying to find reasons to change his mind and move on.
This man sounds selfish and immature. Do you want to be tied to him for the rest of your life?
You are already a single mother, so there’s no ‘being a single mother again’ to be concerned about. You would be a single mother of 2 children rather than one as you clearly stated.
You don’t even live together. He doesn’t get to tell you that you have to have his child for him to commit. You are paying your own bills, running your own home and taking care of your child. Why would you risk all of that to get pregnant with someone who lives somewhere else and contributes nothing to your household?
Tell him that you have no intention of having another child with someone who doesn’t even live in the same house as you. He’s not the only one who can give ultimatums.
This isn’t just about you and your child not being enough, it’s about his desire for a biological child. Take time to reflect on your own desires, health, and well-being. Consider couples therapy to explore his motivations and your concerns. Ultimately, prioritize your own needs and make a decision that feels right for you, not just to meet his expectations.
If he changed his mind about kids once he could do it again.
Please don’t get pregnant without being married. Does he just want to baby trap you? You should be running at this point! Read your post back to yourself.
Eeew no…don’t have a baby with a baby trapper. He just wants the control of you.
If you’re not “enough” for him without a child, then how will you possibly be enough for him with another child, when the majority of your attention is now taken off him and on to the baby.
This isn’t a partner, this is a man child looking for someone to gratify his wishes.
You should only have a child if you want to, having a child to make someone stay (who may or may not actually end up staying) isn’t fair to you or that child.
Whatever is going on with him if he has his heart set on a child of his own and you are ambivalent that is a problem, and likely a dealbreaker. Don’t worry about him right now and really think hard about if you want another child. If you decide no then that’s that. Might lead to the relationship ending but that’s a lot better than you having a kid you didn’t want to keep him.
I feel for bro in some ways. But the thing is…
You don’t commit because you have a child
You have a child because you are committed.
You don’t become King in hopes that all else in the Kingdom will come to acknowledge you.
You become King because all else in the Kingdom have acknowledged you.
Hope you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
You’ve only been together for a year and a half and he already has one foot out the door. Do not have kids with this man.
If you don’t want another child don’t have one.
He changed his mind about wanting a kid. He has the right to change his mind.
You have the right to stick to your guns.
Both of you will be better off with someone who wants the same thing, and you’re not even married to this man.
What if you have kid and then you break up shortly after that.
More than likely you’d keep the kid, and it would be a child you didn’t want to have.
It’s not about being enough or not being enough. People often just want different things, and that’s ok.
I know you don’t want him to leave, but breaking up isn’t the end of the world and can be better for both parties.
Taking the emotions out of it, and realizing that you’re better off moving on can make difficult decisions less stressful. I’m not saying there won’t be any heartache, but you’ll know you made the best logical decision.
You just wish each other the best as you both try to find someone who is a better match.
PS: No woman should intentionally have kids with a man they’re not married to IMHO. I’m sure there are corner cases, but people shouldn’t make decisions based on corner cases.
Don’t have a kid just to make someone else happy. It’s only been a year and a half if he doesn’t want to commit to you don’t commit to him.
Oh hell no. Show him the door.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 get yourself into therapy and figure yourself out! Block and delete
The problem is not he changing his mind ; the problem its the way he is communicating.
The lack of empathy.
” Look , I said one thing , but as years went by , I changed , and what I want for my life as changed. Im sorry “
Then you both show your cards an if they dont match, you move on.
You don’t want another kid. It is physically unsafe for you to have another kid.
He wants a kid. Whether it’s due to jealousy of your ex, or some “lineage” thing doesn’t really matter in the end.
Y’all are not compatible. Move on.
Don’t do it. Just head on out and cut your losses. You don’t want another baby, it’s clear. He won’t commit if you get pregnant, I can guarantee that.
>I feel forced into having another
That’s not a way to bring a precious baby into the world. Relationships and parenthood are challenging enough, you should never feel forced into bringing a child into the world.
It’s ok for your bf to have a change of heart. It’s not ok for him to force you or issue an ultimatum like this
Girl. You are already raising one child… sounds like you already have 2. A year and a half isn’t very long. Having a child without isn’t a snap decision. It sounds like he doesn’t really care about you or respect you. If he can walk that easily, let him walk. You can do so much better. And it’s not just you. You need to think about the child you already have. Is this guy that’s ready to throw you away over a baby that could potentially cause you massive health problems, what is the effect going to be on the child you already have? How does your child view this guy? Is he someone your child depends on? Does your child even get along with him? How is him potentially having a baby with you and leaving going to affect t the child you already have? Is that the example that you want to set for your child? That its ok to be manipulated into doing things you don’t want to do? That’s definitely not the example I’d want to set for mine. I would want to teach my child that its ok to set boundaries daries and stick to them, and if people walk out of your life bc they can’t respect your boundaries, that’s the most respectful thing they can do.
So in the future he’d have a wife to take care of, another man’s child to take care of; and he doesn’t even get a child of his own in the deal?
I said it this way because many men feel this way in this situation. He can be with you for 7-10 years, and you leave through no fault of his own, and then he has zero legal right to even see the child that he helped raise for so long?
Many men would call that a very bad deal.
Girl bffr
Please just let him go. You already know how hard it is to raise a child on your own; don’t purposely court that same situation a second time.
If your boyfriend doesn’t love you enough without a baby, then he doesn’t love you enough, period. Let him go. Especially since he doesn’t seem as concerned about your health as you are.
He has the absolute right to want a partner who wants a baby with him. You have the absolute right to not want another baby. Unfortunately, you can’t compromise on children, so I guess it’s a dealbreaker for both of you.
Why do you want a committment from this tool?
I’m not sure what you mean by letting it (?another child?) bloom naturally.
Regardless, anyone who specifically wants a baby before marriage, they don’t usually get married. You’ll have the baby, he’ll leave, and you’ll be a single mom of 2 with 2 baby daddys. That’s a good reason to break it off.
If you’re unsure if you want / can safely have another child, and he wants a biological child, then you 2 aren’t compatible. That’s a good reason to break it off too.
I’m sorry OP but this man does not love you. If he did when you told him how bad it could physically affect you and your health to get pregnant he should’ve said okay then we won’t have another child. It’s time to stop this relationship and move on. Luckily you don’t live together so that’s a headache you don’t have to deal with.
I mean firstly, don’t have kids with someone you’ve been with for 18 months.
Secondly, don’t have kids with someone who leverages you having a child with them – against you
Thirdly, don’t have a kid with someone who sounds like they have no idea the work it takes to raise a child.
Fourthly, don’t have a kid with someone who tries to pressure you into pregnancy because that’s what THEY want.
Fifth and finally – never have a child you’re not sure that you want.
You get the reality of parenting, he does not.
He’s making foot stomping demands about something he has zero grasp of and that on its own is reason enough to not go there. He is far too immature to parent and I suspect you know that.
Yeah, this is how you end up having a baby with an arsehole.
Leave him, this isn’t normal or healthy and your old enough to spot the red flags and see them for what they are.
I’ll never understand that logic. Committing to be tied for 18 years with a child, but not without. Hell no.
He literally just told you who he is. Don’t miss the red flag. 🚩 he’s showing you.
This is a fucking baby trap sis. A baby trap. He is not going to be a good dad and you won’t end up marrying him I promise you. Marriage is a significantly smaller commitment than a child. If this is a dealbreaker for him call his bluff and tell him it’s over and watch his reaction. He sounds abusive tbh.
Dump him. He literally doesn’t care about you and your health. He’s a selfish AH. You need to put your child first, not a man.
He wants to trap you so you won’t leave in case her fucks up even if that’s not the case I’d move on because y’all want different things at this stage im life
Leave. If he’s not all in before the baby, he definitely won’t be after the baby arrives.
And forcing your hand about having another child is completely unforgivable.
I’m assuming you’ve talked to him and voiced all of these concerns right? If not then have that talk first. If you have then how he responded could tell you a lot. I don’t think it has anything to do with you and your child not being enough though. Not all of a sudden after a year and a half. Considering how sudden this is, he might be dealing with some sort of early midlife crisis type thing. It isn’t like he’s asking to get an animal. This is a huge deal and a lifelong commitment. You don’t just randomly decide to have a child. I think y’all need to sit down and have a deep, honest talk and you should bring up all of the factors you mentioned in this post, if you haven’t already. Ask yourself this, if none of this had ever come up or been an issue, could you see yourself settling down and marrying this man?? How does he think having a kid together is going to work when you don’t even live together??? So many questions that need to be asked because he CLEARLY hasn’t thought further than the end of his nose.
He is very likely wanting to have a child for the wrong reasons, and you should not put yourself in that position.
DO NOT DO THIS. He is baby trapping you, he doesn’t want a baby, he wants control over you. For the love of god get away from this man
A person that wants to force you in a corner is not the right type of person to have a child with. You are not in a position to have a child. He doesn’t even live with you. Having a child is super easy for him because he’s not going to be there as much. He doesn’t have a handle a pregnancy.
Don’t do it. If he would break up over it, do him the favor and break up with him. You have a choice. He does not get the final say.
Time to break up with him IMO.
Sounds like you don’t want a baby but are considering it for him. That’s not a good way to make such a life changing decision.
Ya wants to be the baby daddy to call his own. Immature Id dump this BOY
Immediately break up with him and move out asap.
Oh hell NO! Don’t even think about it. He’s manipulative and selfish. Run far away from this man.
He’s basically using a baby as a leash. You and your kid should be enough, if he’s pulling this stunt, it’s on him, not you. Take your time, don’t let pressure rush a life-changing decision. And honestly? If he’s not fully in for you as you are, that’s a red flag, not a “maybe.” Your freedom, health, and peace come first. Don’t let anyone make you feel less because of their agenda.
He is not committed to you so having a child with him is a huge problem for you. You need a better boyfriend.
He’s manipulating you so he can have you fully trapped & abuse the situation later when he can break you down in your most vulnerable. Leave him!
Never have a child for someone else. You will 100% regret it.
Walk away,
Your heart isn’t in it, don’t do it for him, you need to do it for you!!!!
Men want a baby the way kids want a dog. Don’t do it. If that’s the ONLY way he will commit then that’s a humongous red flag???
Sorry OP this is beyond toxic and manipulative –
> Does it really mean we are not enough or is that just in my head?
No that’s not the problem, the issue is that he is basically trying to rush the family unit for whatever reason (none of the them) I can almost guarantee that if you hold your ground he won’t go anywhere but will be trying to be manipulative in other ways
Beware the ultimatum. ALWAYS. If it’s a threat rather than a discussion, it’s not a healthy, mature way to approach it.
You should make choices rather than being manipulated into taking action.
Hopefully, you can change the tenor of the conversation to something more in line with a discussion that considers all of the relevant factors.
Sending you love and compassion.
No quality person forces another to have a child to prove anything. That’s ridiculous. Not good for the child either.
Don’t have a child because of an ultimatum. Leave this manipulative man now.