Me 31F and boyfriend 32M have been in a relationship for a bit over 3 years now. A little background, I want to get married and he says he doesn’t believe in marriage. He says its because he didn’t grow up in a two-family household. I had my reservations but since I thought he really loved me and he never showed signs of wanting anybody else but me so I thought we would work it out. Last week we were drinking and hanging out and he started asking me about one of my exs. For some reason he doesn’t like this guy more than any of my exs (which was weird because it was more of a fling than a relationship). I didn’t want to talk about it because it put him in a foul mood after so I was trying to change the subject. That seemed to irritate him further and he just kept asking saying he just want to know about the life I had before him. Then he started asking me about sexual stuff (somethings I was not comfortable doing with him) he asked if I did them with ex. I told him he is too drunk (why would he even want to know that) and I told him if he doesn’t stop I am going to bed. He let it go for a while but he kept circling back. When I refused to respond and started making my way to bed he started hurling all kinds of obscenities at me under the sun. he called me every bad word that you could call a woman and at the end he said “The reason I wont marry you is because it would defile my family name to bring in a w#ore like you”. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I just went to bed and slept it off. In the morning he was acting like nothing happened the night before. I was cold towards him so he asked why I wasn’t talking to him. I told him what he said and he swears he doesn’t remember, he even laughed and said “what family name?”. I am so confused drunk talks are sober thoughts is something I believe. I have a hard time believing he hasn’t even considered it one bit. But on the other hand I thought he really loved me and cared about me, I never felt insecure about what we had. Was I wrong? I don’t know what to make of this, I drink but It and never altered me to the point I would say things I have never even thought about, at least once it’s been a week now, and I still haven’t been able to sleep next to him, talk to him, or even look at him properly. I don’t know how to move forward or what this means for our relationship.
TL;DR,
My boyfriend of three years, who I thought was the one, got drunk and called me awful names. He said the reason he wouldn’t marry me is because it would “defile his family name.” The next morning, he acted normal and claimed he didn’t remember saying any of it and that it’s not how he really feels. I’m confused and hurt, and I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Comments
Check his birth certificate, I don’t believe this man is 32yo. Either way, this man is wasting your time. 32 becomes 42 real quick. Whether he remembers it or not, that’s who HE is.
He meant everything he said and he thinks it all the time.
I mean the drunken nastiness aside, if you want marriage, you’re 31 and you’re with a guy who will never marry you… you need to get on it and dump him so you can find a new man.
He remembers. He’s hoping you’ll forget.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Unfortunately drunk actions are sober thoughts. He meant what he said, now that you know. Plan ahead.
He definitely remembers, but that’s hard to prove, so let’s go with the assumption that he in fact doesn’t remember, and never had thoughts like this before.
Did he apologize? Was he in utter shock that those words would ever leave his mouth? Did he cry? Was he ashamed? Did he present you with a clear and realistic plan to make sure something like this never happens again (like therapy, going to an AA meeting etc)?
Or did he laugh it off, scratch his head, say sorry and pretend like he didn’t know where this was coming from?
Because if you hurt your partner deeply, even if you didn’t mean to, you typically tend to feel bad. Unless it’s because you wanted to hurt them, of course.
Two things:
You want to get married and instead of dating someone who also wants that, you are giving up what you want and settling. Maybe, in light of this, you should reevaluate that?
The way he was acting before he said that, is THAT normal for him? Because all of that was also toxic and immature. You were right to not engage. If he genuinely can’t remember and drinking made him act that way, he needs to reevaluate his relationship with alcohol. If he just keeps drinking and putting himself in situations where he could say such horrible things, then they obviously are sober thoughts or he just doesn’t care if he hurts you.
He’s shown you who he is, why are you with him?
I have known people who go full Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde when under the influence of alcohol- perfectly quiet and decent when sober but when they have a few drinks become the most vile, belligerent SOBs that nobody wants to be around. Eventually most people I know who knew someone like that couldn’t associate with them as long as alcohol continued to be in their life. Those continuing to choose the booze eventually had to deal with the breakdown of effectively every significant relationship in their lives unfortunately.
I hope your partner gets some help. The fact that he doesn’t own what he’s like when he’s drunk is a bit concerning too (he’s in his 30s, he would know what he’s like on booze by now).
Honestly, OP, huge red flags here.
Drunk or not, what he said was hurtful and serious. Forgetting doesn’t erase the damage. If you can’t look at him the same, trust that feeling. You deserve respect and emotional safety, don’t ignore it
If your boyfriend is drinking so much that he becomes verbally abusive and doesn’t remember anything the next day he has a drinking problem.
I don’t really recommend staying together since it seems like you have different ideas of what you want your life to be like that aren’t compatible and he’s capable of hurling verbal abuse your way, trying to force you to talk about things you don’t feel safe sharing, etc.
If you do want to it has to start with him admitting and doing something about his alcohol abuse and him actually taking your pain from that night seriously and apologizing because it doesn’t sound like he is right now.
Honestly I don’t truly believe he doesn’t remember. If I ever didn’t remember a night and my partner told me I’d said such awful things I wouldn’t be joking about it. I’d be sincerely apologizing and getting help to make sure it can never happen again. But I can see how someone who remembers and is ashamed would try to make light of it, laugh it off, and hope saying they don’t remember would take the heat off of them.
He’s not the one. He may be too drunk to remember, but those thoughts come from somewhere. He doesn’t sound particularly apologetic.
My partner threw a cake at me in a dream and apologised profusely because the thought was so abhorrent.
In vino veritas, in wine there is truth!
I’ll leave it there!