Hello,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while, and we’ve been in the same friendgroup for around 3 years (known eachother since we were 12 though). We’re in a serious long term relationship and have already started talking about engagement plans to get married next year.
The problem is that at times I do feel insecure or made fun of whenever the mention of my degree or job prospects get brought up.
I just graduated this May with my bachelors degree in anthropology (I know, I know, I’ve heard it all with this degree). It’s genuinely something I enjoyed — and going into it I already knew that I wasn’t gonna get a job specifically catered towards anthropology. I knew I wanted to go into law school (I’ve been studying for the lsat and I’m taking my test this fall for next years admission), so my anthro degree was something I knew could benefit me in terms of getting a high gpa for law school admissions.
I don’t want to blame my degree, but is has been hard to land a job. I got hired at a job a few weeks ago but they haven’t emailed me back for my start date (it’s a teaching aide position and classes start in August), so I technically am still “unemployed”. I do babysit my nieces and nephews every day from M-F for 10 hours a day (I’m a babysitter during the summer), so I do get some money from that — but I’m not sure if that would be considered a “real” job, it also ends soon once school starts.
On one hand, I am sad at I can’t land a job, but I don’t want to stress too hard about it since I am still living with parents, and I am also studying for my lsat. The issue is that my boyfriend at times can be a bit mean when it comes to joking around about these things. My boyfriend is in the Air Force so he has an actual income, it’s also his first ever “job”. He never really had to worry about these things.
He constantly says I got a useless degree in “monkey facts” or “random oddities”, and earlier today he told me I should get job as a plumber or as the people who clean septic tanks. He also called a friend who just graduated highschool a bum today since he doesn’t have a job, and it kind of felt odd because I feel like I’m one too. I understand the anthropology stereotypes, but still, it hurts. Everytime I tell him he’s being mean he just laughs about it and calls it “rage bait”. I don’t know what to do, I feel very embarrassed about not working.
im just wondering how I should go about standing up for myself and telling him to stop, I also don’t know if this is worth me kind of stopping with the whole engagement setup — I don’t know as to whether or not this is actually something worth fighting about.
TL/DR: I recently graduated and my boyfriend has been calling my useless and making fun of the fact that I can’t get a job.
Comments
You standup for yourself by breaking up. Someone that needs to feel good only by making someone feel bad is not a good partner or person.
I personally would prefer to not marry a person that thinks I’m useless but I guess I’m weird that way.
Sounds like your boyfriend is a twat. Personally, I wouldn’t get engaged with someone who mock me in a mean way, and since you told him it hurts you and he only laughs at it, well. Jokes are supposed to be funny for both side.
Maybe sit him down seriously and tell him he’s being an arse and he needs to stop, recalibrate his “jokes” if he want this relationship to continue?
Is this really someone you want to marry?
Why would you want to marry someone that regularly demeans you and others he is supposed to care about?
You shouldn’t have to tell him to stop. Someone who loves and respects you wouldn’t be saying these things in the first place.
I would start making fun of him of not having a girlfriend. After dumping him of course
As a military person, this guy is genuinely just naive to the way things are in the real world. You are allowed to be passionate about things and it is very mature of you to understand how those things will affects you. You are obviously taking the rights steps forward.
If he genuinely wont respect you, in this honestly HUGE way, I would take a step back and seriously reconsider things.
Your BF didn’t go through job hunting, he had it right away and to him it seems completely easy. But with you he is really mean. Those situations are stressful and shouldn’t be made fun of. Try to talk to him about this issue once more, have really serious talk about how this affects your relationship. If he doesn’t take you seriously, he won’t take you seriously later in life, in marriage. Don’t overlook those things, they will come bite you in future.
You also said that you started dating a while ago, why are you so rushing towards getting married? Date for at least few years to decide if this relationship will grow into marriage.
“he just laughs about it”
I’m going to tell you that communication is the single most important thing in any relationship, and when you can’t communicate your feelings, get ignored or laughed at, it’s not a great sign.
I don’t know wtf his problem is, but he’s definitely got a superiority complex of some sort going on and entertains himself by putting you down.
To be quite honest with you, I wouldn’t last very long in a relationship like that, and I’m a pretty low maintenance partner. But I want to feel safe, respected, and cared for at a minimum with my SO and if that baseline wasn’t there, I’m not sure what that relationship would even offer.
Maybe you try to have one more serious conversation with him, let him know the stakes: this behavior from him is making you question the future of the relationship. Maybe that snaps him out of it and he realizes he’s been an asshole. Maybe he doesn’t, and continues to be an asshole, then you have your answer, but you have to follow through with ending things or he’ll only get worse.
Your boyfriend is insecure because he didn’t go to college, and is projecting that insecurity on you. He’s trying to lower your self esteem because he is insecure and he’s trying to “put you in your place”. I can guess who he voted for based on his derogatory comments and his obvious misogyny.
You are smart and are correctly recognizing patterns of abusive behavior. Please do not marry this man, it will only get worse once he feels like he has you locked down.
Btw, idk if you need to hear this, but you sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You have nothing to feel insecure about. You have a good education in a field that you love and will be a stepping stone to a potential law career. We only have one life to live and you’ve spent yours getting an education in something that you’re interested in and (based on your comments about a high gpa) really good at! But even if you never went to law school, there is nothing wrong with working childcare or service industry jobs. The jobs we work don’t define us as people. As long as you’re happy and able to support yourself, that’s what matters! You’re on your path and you’re doing great. This stranger is proud of you. A supportive partner would be, too.
Full time child care, that you earn money for, is a job. Let’s stop with the nonsense that your full-time paying job isn’t a job.
And drop this idiot, for real, he has no respect for you. You don’t talk to people you respect the way he does. Let me guess, he’s maga, or a maga sympathiser, isn’t he?
He is showing contempt for you, which is usually the number one indicator of divorce. Break up with this man and save yourself a lot of future grief. He doesn’t like you except to put you down.
My dad frequently made fun of my mom for having an english degree and for being a teacher. Theyre divorced now.
I dont think its right to tell you to break up, but you do need to have a frank discussion and see how he handles it and if he makes an effort to respect you more.
I feel like the effort is always worth it to keep what is good in a relationship and repair the bad, with some exceptions, like if hes violent or aggressive, of course.
honestly that’s deeply unkind and not something you should have to put up with. the fact that most of your post is you trying to justify yourself and your degree/employment situation just shows how much he is getting to you. You have a DEGREE!! that’s a really amazing achievement and the fact that it is in anthropology is nothing to feel embarrassed about AT ALL? anthropology is fascinating. you say you can’t get a job but you HAVE one, it just hasn’t started yet. you’re taking the LSATS for Law School. you are doing quite a lot from my perspective and you have a really bright future ahead of you that nobody should be criticising.
He is undermining you and that is not okay. Is it only in relation to work and employment that he makes fun of you? My ex used to make fun of my degree and my attempts to get a job, and it turns out he was very emotionally abusive. I’m not saying that’s the same here but just to be aware of. It’s hard to respond to someone you love and care about criticising you and putting you down. I’m really sorry!
I don’t know the best way to talk to someone about this. If you tried to sit down and have an honest conversation about how he was making you feel, do you think that would help? Does that feel achievable? It didn’t for me as I just would have been made fun of further. wishing you joy xx
He’s making you feel bad about yourself and that’s not on.
Your situation is very normal: recent graduate, working towards doing postgraduate study.
Your degree wasn’t ‘useless’. You’ll have picked up a lot of transferable skills through studying that will help you in whatever you do in the future. It’s really ignorant to dismiss any degree as ‘useless’.
Add to that..you literally have a job. You’re babysitting. You’ve even got something lined up for August- that’s awesome! It sounds like you’re doing all the right things in your work life. Now let’s address your personal life: lose the happiness vampire. Someone who feels good about themselves through putting other people down is not someone to keep in your life.
Your BF is not a pleasant person and I do not see what being in this relationship does for you.
Right now he’s making fun of your degree, next time it’s going to be something else, because his insecurities aren’t magically going away. You’re getting a taste of what it’s going to be like to be married to this man. Really think about whether this is how you want your life to play out.
Insects! Cool, so u dun fear roaches?