I’ve been dating my boyfriend for four years. I love him so much, but I never know how to navigate his birthday.
He’s usually decisive and opinionated. When his birthday rolls around though, he gets really quiet and unsure.
If he wanted a huge party, I’d throw one. If he told me that he wanted quiet relaxing time alone, I’d happily give him a whole weekend to himself. The problem is that he never tells me what wants.
So each year, I give him tons of options based on his interests. Each idea gets the response: “hmmmm… maybe.” Which idea sounds best? “hmmm, I’m not sure.”
Last year I thought that he just didn’t want to make any decisions. So I picked the itinerary. Nothing crazy, just dinner and drinks and a movie. Afterwards, he was appreciative but said it was “a bit over the top.” I told him I needed him to take initiative and tell me what he wanted to do with his birthday next time.
But this year it’s the same situation. He shrugs at every idea and I’m left guessing. I don’t want to get annoyed with him about his birthday, but it’s frustrating. I could just plan something again, but it sucks not knowing if it’s too much or not enough.
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talk to him about how you feel?
Some people, myself included, are uncomfortable asking for other people to celebrate our birthdays in any particular way. Have you asked him how he feels about his birthday? How he feels about you asking him what he wants?
Everybody is entitled to be emotionally uncomfortable about something, even if you’re not.
Honestly, put the same amount of energy into his birthday as he does. Get him a gift, and leave it at that. Day of ask him what he wants for his birthday.
If he doesn’t care about it why are you stressing out over it? Seems like a lot of wasted energy.
Especially if he doesn’t seem to care afterwards as well. Or if he thinks what you do is too big for him.
Maybe back up and ask him if he needs his birthday celebrated. If Dinner and a Movie is over the top and he never seems excited about your options, you need to rethink your efforts.
I am someone that loves to celebrate other people’s birthdays. I like planning things and making them feel special. But some people just don’t care about birthdays.
You might be putting all this effort in celebrating his birthday to meet your need to be a “good girlfriend” and not because he actually needs you to do all this. What does he do for your birthday? Are you also maybe trying to “set the example” of what you expect?
Take a step back and ask what he really wants. Maybe just showing up with a cupcake and a card is all he needs. Anything more might make him feel overwhelmed or pressure to now outdo this for your birthday.
What does he he do for your birthday? Sometimes that’s an indicator of the type and amount of energy a partner wants back when their birthday comes around. Or, talk to him –
Give him options and tell him to decide. If he doesn’t give an answer, that’s on him.
Seriously, if a birthday celebration is a big deal to him, then let him make some kind of effort, even if it’s just to tell you what to arrange.
It sounds like you’re doing all the heavy lifting here, and if he’s not giving you any direction, maybe it’s time to have a heart-to-heart about what each of you wants from the relationship… especially when it comes to celebrating milestones. How do you usually handle situations where one person is just not clear about their needs?
He should communicate better but it sounds like he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday. So, don’t. Simply do nothing.
Tell him that if you don’t get any guidance from him you’ll have a candlelit dinner at home and follow through on that
It sounds like he doesn’t want a big event for his birthday. Maybe he just wants to be with you. If last year’s dinner & drinks & movie was over the top, this year try just dinner, or just a movie.
I don’t tell my best friends what I want for my birthday. It just feels weird, like I am obligating them to something.
They know me well enough and plan something on their own and it’s always been awesome.
Are you sure he even WANTS a birthday celebration? If the person who normally is good making decisions and communicating their preferences is suddenly saying, “Oh, I don’t know.” “Whatever you want is fine.”, that’s a pretty good indicator they’re probably not interested in the idea at all. And if he says that fairly low-key date-night was over the top, believe him. It sounds like you ask him “What do you want to do for your birthday?” when the better question may be “Do you want to do anything for his birthday?”
I understand that you love him and want him to have a great birthday, but the point of a gift is to make the recipient–not the giver–happy. It’s not much of a present when it’s something we neither like nor asked for.
Ido love that you tell him exactly how you’d like to celebrate your own birthday, because communication is so important. But remember to give him the same consideration–by not giving you a list of gifts/activities, he’s telling you what he wants: nothing much.
It sounds like bdays are important to you but not to him. He does what you want for yours. Maybe just get him a card or gift and call it good.
All I want on my bday is to be left alone and have a day to do what I want which may be nothing. I don’t want to have to cook or clean house to have company or be on a schedule. I just want to go hang with my horse and take a nap or something.
i can’t imagine complaining about what someone has planned for my birthday unless it was something they did knowing it was something i would not enjoy.
plan again for his birthday this year, not waiting on his input. if he complains again, just let him know that you won’t be making any more plans for his birthday unless he can find a way to communicate what he wants. and stick to it…don’t do it again and let his birthday come and go without any fanfare.
You seem to be approaching this from the perspective that Something Must Be Done, and his lack of input makes you uncomfortable. But perhaps he’s operating on the perspective that birthdays are basically for kids and for those adults who happen to still be into them; he’s long past it. By insisting that he “take initiative” you are pushing him to participate in making a fuss over himself, which feels awkward to him.
Fortunately, time is on your side: his last birthday was his 30th, which might be considered a “significant” one. While I wouldn’t consider dinner and a movie to be over the top, he did, so you’ve successfully acknowledged the big 3-0. The next important birthday is 50 🙂 That means, for the next 19 years you can keep it low key. Bake him a cake. Get him a thoughtful present. Ask him if he wants to go out, but if he doesn’t, that’s fine.
I used to feel so slack if we didn’t go out and do something on his birthday but he literally doesn’t care. Even “shall we just have a nice quiet night in” would get crickets and “I dunno we’ll just see what we want to do on the day?” He was fine with not even having a no-plan plan iykwim. However I learned the hard way that while plans could be skipped, he definitely still expects a card and a gift. That was a true head scratcher for me because cards aren’t important in my family. I also thought cake was important to everyone on their birthday, but apparently not!
It doesn’t sound like birthdays are all that important to him. Maybe they r to u but it’s his birthday. Just make him dinner & hang out at home. Keep it simple but still acknowledging it.
Dinner, drinks, and a movie are “over the top”?
Next year don’t make any plans and see if THAT is the right level of effort.
Wait a minute, I just saw a post of someone saying they’re pissed because they have to plan their own birthdays and events and everyone thought that was the most awful thing?! Should he pick out his gift too? Genuinely curious here lol
You’re a good girlfriend and at least trying. Mine ignored me on our anniversary and couldn’t care less. It’s today and all calls and texts have been ignored, mind you I planned an entire day and she initially committed to going. Expecting the same for my birthday next week.
I’d say try to talk to him and get a better idea of what he wants. Maybe he just wants something low key and to be with you!