Hi Moran!! Big fan, and a Midwest girly here:
Okay this will be a lot, and I’m super confused also about what exactly happened. I 25yr old f and my 28yr old M Bf/ ex bf? Said he was unsure what he was feeling towards our relationship and was thinking about what it would be like to talk to other girls.
More context. 5 years ago we started dating and quickly moved in together. We were both upfront about our dating history. I whom had a few relationships throughout high school and outside of it. He whom had been a virgin and not really prioritized women up to this point in his life due to his father’s death and mothers mental illness. I had been his first well everything… which leads to the problem. Four years and 11 months later.
We started talking about the future over the course of the last few months and I expressed that marriage is something I see for us and he has agreed and called me his future wife on many occasions. Tonight while I’m eating cookies on the couch he tells me to come sit by him for a hard talk. He proceeds to tell me how he loves me and is unsure about the future, how he is unsure this is right for him on account of him never “talking to another women” or “getting a new perspective” while I have had all these “other options” in life. This had obviously thrown me for a loop as we had just had a normal night and dinner together. When I asked for more clarification he got silent and kept repeating over and over again he loved me and was sorry and he was “messed up.” I had asked him if there was anybody else. He had sworn no. He would never do that to me.
Now here comes the fun part. He admitted after a few hours of me getting apologies and one word answers from him on why he feels this way. Followed by 20 minutes of silence (men suck at communicating) that he in his words “to see if he had game” asked a girl for her number at work three days ago. Mind you we work at the same company and have the same coworkers. She gave it to him and apparently he never used it. “But it’s really been getting to him. “
I’m devastated. This is the man I thought I would marry. And I don’t know what to think or if I can trust his word he never used her number. Either way the intention to get with a girl was there… what do I do
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Backup of the post’s body: Hi Moran!! Big fan, and a Midwest girly here:
Okay this will be a lot, and I’m super confused also about what exactly happened. I 25yr old f and my 28yr old M Bf/ ex bf? Said he was unsure what he was feeling towards our relationship and was thinking about what it would be like to talk to other girls.
More context. 5 years ago we started dating and quickly moved in together. We were both upfront about our dating history. I whom had a few relationships throughout high school and outside of it. He whom had been a virgin and not really prioritized women up to this point in his life due to his father’s death and mothers mental illness. I had been his first well everything… which leads to the problem. Four years and 11 months later.
We started talking about the future over the course of the last few months and I expressed that marriage is something I see for us and he has agreed and called me his future wife on many occasions. Tonight while I’m eating cookies on the couch he tells me to come sit by him for a hard talk. He proceeds to tell me how he loves me and is unsure about the future, how he is unsure this is right for him on account of him never “talking to another women” or “getting a new perspective” while I have had all these “other options” in life. This had obviously thrown me for a loop as we had just had a normal night and dinner together. When I asked for more clarification he got silent and kept repeating over and over again he loved me and was sorry and he was “messed up.” I had asked him if there was anybody else. He had sworn no. He would never do that to me.
Now here comes the fun part. He admitted after a few hours of me getting apologies and one word answers from him on why he feels this way. Followed by 20 minutes of silence (men suck at communicating) that he in his words “to see if he had game” asked a girl for her number at work three days ago. Mind you we work at the same company and have the same coworkers. She gave it to him and apparently he never used it. “But it’s really been getting to him. “
I’m devastated. This is the man I thought I would marry. And I don’t know what to think or if I can trust his word he never used her number. Either way the intention to get with a girl was there… what do I do
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I hate to automatically go dramatic but if he’s already having these feelings (and acting on them by asking for someone else’s number), it sounds like he’s going to ‘explore’ either way. Do you really want to be stuck and married or with kids at that point? A man that loves you wouldn’t disrespect you by asking for a coworkers number where you work too, how embarrassing.
I’m sorry he broke your relationship. Go ahead and dismiss him. You understood that looking at him as a future spouse meant seeing him as your one lifelong partner. He has started questioning only a few years in if he can do better. He’ll keep bringing this up over & over until you two break up. Sorry this happened. Make it clear though- you are not the safety net. You will not be the placeholder while he wanders every so often looking for the better partner.
Don’t tie yourself to someone who doesn’t want you also. Be grateful he was finally honest with you and stop wasting more time on him. This will be hard but the growth and self love you gain from leaving will be immense. He will also learn a lesson from this, I’m sure, whatever that may be. Best of luck, OP. Five years wasted is better than six, seven, etc…
If you stay together he’ll do it again🤷♀️. I’m being blunt so you can really accept the truth. If he really, truly loved you, he wouldn’t be thinking about the other options or the life he “didn’t get to experience” that you did. Me and my husband have been tg since teenage years, I’ve never wanted anything/anyone else, the same goes for him. We’re both happy we got to find love so early.
This is normal, in my opinion. He needs time to experience life and make some mistakes along the way. It’s how we learn. It’s sad and hurtful for you, and I’m sorry. His life experiences so far caused him to hold back on being young and a little wild. Better he do this now than after settling down too soon.
The difference in who you are between age 20 and age 25 is enormous. Yes, 5 years is a long time, but it’s better to cut your losses now. If he has taken the step to ask for another woman’s number, it’s only a matter if time until he goes further.
It could turn out if a few years he figures out what he has lost and comes crawling back. Or more than likely, you will actually meet the man who is meant to be your husband, and he won’t second guess. He will know.
I had a similar situation a few years ago, me and my boyfriend met at university and practically started living together straight away. I guess before we met I had experienced more in terms of relationships and sex than he had but that was never a problem. After 5.5 years together, I found out that he had cheated on me, and his explanations were quite similar to your bf’s. He loved me but wasn’t sure anymore that this was what he wanted. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. We were apart for probably 9 months before he realised that the grass is not greener on the other side and actually what we had was everything he needed.
We’ve been back together going on 3 years and things have never been better, I’m not going to say the outcome of my situation is guaranteed for you or anyone. But in my case I really did understand that he just needed to experience something else and grow as a person, of course the way he did it wasn’t right and some communication on his part wouldn’t have blindsided me so much. It took me time to forgive him and trust him again but he put in the work. We both took the time to understand the core issue of the breakdown of the relationship and it worked out for us.
This part is really difficult but you can’t stop these thoughts he’s having, it’s better to break up or take a break from each other and focus on your self! Whatever happens next is just part of your journey, stay strong
Break up.
Let him explore “other options” as a single man. You should also explore other options as a single woman.
Being at the same company is going to suck though. Suggest that since he’s the one who wants to explore “other options” that he do so while working at a new company. You shouldn’t have to leave the company and you shouldn’t have to watch him work through his issues.
If you find your way back to each other, great. But don’t sit on the sideline while he’s playing with others.
Dont try talking him out of it. the resentment could be massive if he feels as tho you talked him out of his time to find whatever.
let him do his thing and you do some soul searching too.
sometimes these situations end up that you might accidentally get swept off your feet by “Mr Right” instead of staying w “Mr Right Now”.
its likely he will come back to you humbled. he risks the fact that you may have moved on and arent available.
My spouse is my first! And never ever, for one second did I ever think of seeing what’s out there. When you are with the right person, thats it! You are either with someone all in, or you aren’t! There’s no mid way in this relationship
The best resolution to this is this statement.
You sit him down and say this exactly.
“I completely understand that you may feel like you have missed out on life experiences. That is perfectly normal to feel that way. I am going to make this very clear because it is an either or situation.
I will freely allow you to go out and explore the possibility of meeting, flirting and dating other women so that you can experience everything you think you missed out on. In exchange, we will split up. I will not talk to you. I will not get back together with you, and you and I will never be a couple or friends ever again.
So your decision is really simple. You can regret missing out on what you never had, or you can regret losing the person you’ve spent the last 5 years with. A relationship is not a contest over who had more experiences in life, it’s about sharing new experiences together. That is the risk everyone takes in a relationship and the grass isn’t always greener. If you think the grass might be greener, by all means go find out, but our relationship is over and I only request that you have enough respect for what we’ve shared to not do it behind my back.
You asked someone at our shared place of employment for her number. The fact that you don’t grasp how absolutely disrespectful that is or how quickly that could get shared around the office is extremely disturbing. You have now jeopardized both of our reputations at work for your insecurity. Congratulations. That by itself is enough for people to end relationships and I have considered it, but I realize you’re going through something and I’m trying to be understanding. I won’t be a second time.”
And mean it!!!
Your BF has no life experiance with other women. You are not married and this is the time in your life to SHOP AROUND. You are at a different place than he is in your life. The truth hurts but appreciate it and deal with it. Maybe find another BETTER job. Move out and explore your life.