Me 19f him 18m were arguing the last couple days about some stuff and the next morning i went on his phone just to check it and see if he was doing anything bad and i found he had the girl he cheated on me with in the beginning of our relationship on his phone that i forgave him for but set very clear boundaries that i did not want them in contact and they had been talking that night and she had been sending him inappropriate pictures and so i woke him up and showed him and he got upset that i went on his phone and i woke him up to it that i was dragging it on and so we kept arguing and he went and finished a bottle of crown apple that we had and he went to the bedroom to grab his keys because he wanted to leave and i didn’t want to let him drive so i blocked the door to the bedroom in doing that he grabbed my arm to move me and it left a bruise then he tried to leave again and i told him not to and we were yelling and he grabbed the back of my hair and was yelling at me and he said that it was my fault because i pushed him over the edge to make him that angry and that he has never treated anyone like this before or put his hands on any other girl before and i told him i didn’t make him this way that he needs help and he grabbed my by the throat with both of his hands and yelled at me more he didn’t hold his hands there for long just long enough to scare me there some red marks on my throat still and it’s the next morning
he was never like this before with me he had never put his hands on me before i don’t know what to do i love him i really do but i don’t know what to do
Comments
Leave. If he’s hit you once, he’ll do it again.
Big nope here, get out
It’s not your fault. It is not your fault at all. However you now know that it was a mistake to forgave him for cheating because he hasn’t changed. And you know what he is capable of when he is angry. This is abuse and you are not to blame and you need to get away from him and protect yourself. You should also take pictures of the bruises he left behind so you have proof.
Damn girl, you gotta know – this ain’t your fault AT ALL. Nobody deserves that crap. Doesn’t matter what went down, going Bruce Lee on you ain’t on. Ya gotta remember, people who love ya don’t choke ya out. It’s time to break off n get some help, trust me. Peace out ✌️ and stay safe. You’re worth more than this 🙏.
Yes and no. Get out now!
Yeah, he will likely do it again
If you stay, he’ll think he can get away with it and do it again. Leave! Run! Dont tell him! When he goes to work, get your shit and disappear!
He kicked it up a notch with the choking. There are terrifying statistics regarding domestic violence and choking.
Please call and talk to someone,
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Hours: 24/7
Call 800-799-7233 USA
0808 2000 247 UK
Canadian resources
They can help you make an exit plan!
Please call or text
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
What Is Domestic Abuse?
Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
There is no excuse for someone, especially someone who suppose to care about you for them to put their hands on you in an aggressive manner…NONE. They are meant to make you feel safe not scared.
People like that try and twist the blame onto their victims or promise to never do it again. Im sorry, I know it’s hard because you love them but you need out of this relationship.
I wish you the best, take care and stay safe.
Get out now before it’s too late. Do not take him back no matter what because he will do it again. He might go on good behavior for a while but it will happen. I speak from experience. My abusive ex would create fights so he could leave and be with his affair partner and I’m getting that vibe from this. Do not waste another second with this guy.
Your boyfriend is a cowardly punk and you need to get out right now! Violence is never the answer but reading this made me want to show him a thing or two about what it feels like to be on the receiving end. Ordinarily I don’t like my phone gone through but if he’s cheated before and that was going on then you did good and he fucked up by entertaining the whore. You set very clear and justified boundaries and he violated them. Again, please call it off and if you need to get a restraining order. If he’s willing to almost choke you out who’s to say he won’t escalate further. Please keep us updated.
Why are you with him? Especially when you apparently forgave him for cheating?
Has he ever laid hands on his boss? If not, then he can control himself when it will be bad for him, he doesn’t consider your pain to be bad for him, and it will happen again if you stay because there are no negative consequences for him.
Leave, It only gets worse. Please ❤️ I was 19 in my first abusive relationship that almost took my life towards the end and he had me completely isolated and financially abused so that I felt like I couldn’t leave and was scared to leave by the end of it. Please leave. (I’m 36 now) I promise you things will not get better. It always gets worse. You feeling like it was your fault at all means he’s already using manipulation and gaslighting tactics and that’s how they start out. They slowly break away your confidence and make you question your reality and then they start pushing the boundaries to see how much they can get away with.
If I could go back and tell 19 year-old me to leave I would. Unfortunately, I was told to leave and I questioned things, knowing it wasn’t right many times. I grew up in an abusive household. And didn’t realize it until I got into therapy later that was why I accepted it. I thought abuse and love could go hand-in-hand. I always thought he would change and he would do the best at apologizing and knew exactly what to say in those moments when my foot was out the door …Once you get in a cycle was abusive partner it can take an average of 5 to 7 times for a woman to leave for good because of the mental manipulation. (if they do make it out alive or not ) …Then making you feel like it’s your fault and then you start reacting really intensely and feel like you’re losing it because they’re gaslighting the crap out of you. Please 🙏🏼 ❤️ you deserve so much more.
Toxic partners, especially those who are overtly abusive, tend to test the waters to see what they can get away with and then slowly escalate. They do a whole frog-in-boiling-water routine mixed with making you feel guilty and/or minimizing what they’ve done while ratcheting up the severity of their abuse.
Your boyfriend will hit you again, harder next time. It was not your fault. You deserve better. Run.
He cheated on you once, he is doing it again. He hit you once, he will do it again
There is NOTHING you can say or do to fix this. You need to leave DO NOT go to therapy with him. You NEVER attend therapy with your abuser. All it will do is teach your abuser how to be a better manipulator and abuser
You did nothing wrong. He is doing what is called DAVRO
DENY
ATTACK
REVERSE VICTIM ORDER
This is classic abuser behaviour. Get out while it’s only bruises
Even if you hit him first it is not your fault. No guy should hit you ever. However, any guy you want to hit at any point, is not the guy for you and you should break up with them immediately.
Yes, and no.
Run and do it look back.
Tell him you are done a not contact. Block him. And his friends
It was not your fault. Please, get out whilst you can.
I wasted over 2 years with an angry drunk who was forever sorry for pushing me, choking me, verbally abusing me, then finally r*ping me, when I was your age.
If I could go back in time and tell myself to run the first time that awful man put his hands on me, I would. That is exactly what I’m telling you to do. Because trust me, he will do it again, and it will likely only escalate.
You are worth so much more. You will find someone who worships the ground you walk on.
I’m 31 now, and I am in a secure relationship with a man who both loves and respects me. We’ve been together 7 years this year.
Please don’t waste any more of your time with that boy who does not deserve you.
Jesus Christ leave him immediately before he kills you. Choking is a sign this could end in death.
He’ll keep using these methods because they work, but not right away. You’ll think about this every time you need to confront him about his bad behavior and that fear will keep you in line.
There’s no equal relationship with someone who threatens to choke you to death.
This is over his infidelity. He lies, he cheats, and he is violent. If you have any evidence open a court case and work toward a restraining order. Tell your friends/family exactly what happened so they can help you and keep you accountable to escape this situation.
The next phase in the cycle of abuse is for him to become the perfect partner and try to manipulate you back into serving him. He has already done unforgiveable, life-threatening things and you need to escape. I am so sorry for all the horrible ways he will try to keep you under his control. Someone that was actually sorry and loved you would let you leave and live in peace away from danger.
Sweetheart, it only gets worse with time. Unfortunately, abusers push limits. Leave now. Also report him. Press charges.
Nope. Not your fault, never your fault. It is never ever the victim’s fault. There’s also no excuse or reason for hurting someone who’s not attacking you. Also it doesn’t matter if he’s done it before or will or won’t again. He did it now. And violence like this should always be an immediate break up. He’s done. Don’t give him a second chance, because he doesn’t deserve it and you’ll never fully trust him again anyway. Just be done.
In my opinion, the first thing you need to understand is this: it’s never your fault when someone puts their hands on you in anger. I don’t care what you said, what you found on his phone, or how heated the argument got. I’ve been counseling people in abusive and toxic relationships for over 32 years, and this pattern is clear as day: physical aggression almost never happens just once. It’s called the cycle of abuse which is when tension builds, there’s an explosive incident, then comes the apologies and “I’ve never done this before” routine. But without serious intervention, the cycle repeats. You’re 19, which means you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it making excuses for a man who grabs you by the throat and blames you for his loss of control. I don’t care if he’s 18, stressed, drunk, or “never did this before”. Those are excuses, not explanations. The fact that he blamed you shows he hasn’t taken real accountability, and that’s a huge red flag for escalation.
My advice: this is the moment you draw a hard line. You walk away before it becomes worse. And yes, it will get worse. It’s not love if you’re scared of him. It’s not love if you’re bruised and marked up the next day. And it’s not love if he’s blaming you for his choice to cross a line. If you stay, get ready for more bruises, more scares, and more apologies followed by repeats. If you need help getting out safely, call a domestic violence hotline today. Don’t wait. Don’t negotiate. Your safety comes first, always. Between now and dead, you’ve got one body, one life. Protect it.
You’re a teen. Get your shit and get out. Choose better from now on — even if it means being single. You know better.
Police report. Restraining order if you possibly can. Document EVERYTHING, bruises, the red marks, any texts he might send.
Be real with yourself, please.
He violated a clear boundary, and then lied to you, and then physically assaulted you.
Will he do it again? Absolutely. If you stay with him, the lesson you have taught him is that he can do it again, and that it may be necessary to do more.
You’re young. The time to stand up for yourself is now.
Us oldies know how the patterns work. There are a lot of studies that point out that women in America return to abusive partners and don’t successfully leave until their seventh attempt on average. You can and should bring that number down.
There are other studies that show that men who engage in abuse return to it. He said certain things that are classic abuser talk: you made him do it; you pushed him too far. No, none of that is true. But abusers say it to control their victims and make them think they did some thing wrong to keep them from leaving. Call his bluff by walking out.
He’s not a good man. He’s a young kid with severe impulse control problems, he is disloyal, a liar, and a cheat and now you know he is violent.
If he is not a good man, you should be a better woman by giving yourself strength and leaving. If you need specific help and resources, many people here could help you to find a place to go; but the time to leave is now.
When
Hi. Man here. There’s a fundamental difference between the minds and behaviors of a person who would and would not put hands on their partner as you’ve described. It doesn’t matter how drunk or angry I’d get, throwing hands isn’t in my playbook, period.
Your bf has shown you he is the kind of person for whom intimate partner violence IS in his playbook.
Leave, immediately.
Leave him. What you did was wrong but there’s no excuse for what he did.
This is exactly how the first situation with my abusive ex happened. He’s showing signs. It will happen again and it will get worse. It’s not your fault and a man who loves you would NEVER put you in a position like this, even on top of still being in contact with that girl. If she’s still sending him pics it’s bc he’s giving her a reason to
It was not your fault. No one deserves to be assaulted and that’s exactly what he did to you. Leave that coward and protect yourself. Now. Cut him off and block him on social media. Also, inform your work that you have a stalker. You do not need to provide any details, just that you are concerned for your safety. Also since he likely knows your regular routine going to and from work, change your routine and travel with others if you can. I’m so sorry this has happened to you but always remember you deserve better.
He will cheat again if he ever stopped, he will hit you again and again and again until you leave or he kills you.
He will do it again
Definitely not your fault
RUN, don’t stay with him. You will die.
Yes he’s going to do it again. I’d say run. or hit him with a cast iron. That used to work back in the day
This isn’t your fault what he did is abuse and it will likely happen again you need to prioritize your safety and leave the relationship before it escalates further
It is not your fault that he became violent. That is some dangerous gaslighting shit and a huge red flag. That said, going through his phone is kind of an asshole maneuver, but not nearly as bad as what he’s doing, and certainly not as bad as what he did. Get out, and next time only be with someone you trust.
Also, if someone wants to leave, left them. And then don’t let them back in.
OP, please read this.
If your partner puts their hands on you, it’s a fundamental lack of care that is being shown. Same for cheating or using your vulnerabilities against you.
It’s a lack of ability to self-control and stay firm in their ethical and moral values. They will put their hands on you again and you may even blame yourself next time. Then, you’re in an abusive relationship, and ‘he’s just XYZ, he doesn’t mean it’ excuses start to enter your mind.
I will admit, I used to have anger issues, not violent, but I did resort to breaking a few small items when my GF, whom I loved, cheated on me several times. I was enraged and distraught in a way I’ve never been before or since. When I threw a roll and it bounced and hit her arm, even though she was 100% fine, because it’s soft bread, and she just destroyed my entire existence and trust I have in the world, I immediately apologized and I never broke anything again. I acknowledged that a line had been crossed, even inadvertently and I said she was in charge now. If she wants me to leave so she can feel safe, I will. She didn’t, but her anxiety was high. A line had been crossed that was unacceptable. Even though it was a silly role and it ricocheted to bounce off the side of her arm, it mortified me. You. Don’t. Strike. Your partner. End of discussion. I say this to show what a normal person, even when they are at their worst, does when that line is even accidentally crossed.
There is usually a massive power imbalance between the strength a man can bring, versus what a woman can bring. When you lay a hand on a woman, it’s not like doing it to a guy where he can just chuck it up and call it a day. With a woman, you impact her sense of self, her ability to feel safe. You expose them to the knowledge of how vulnerable they can be – IMO that last part is the worst part of it because you take away their ability to ever feel safe. – I’m not saying women are weak or aren’t aware of the power imbalance, please don’t think that. I am however acknowledging the common power imbalance that exists, as well as how it can affect them emotionally. Knowing something and experiencing it can be vastly different for women. I’m a guy, so maybe this last paragraph is me overthinking it. I’m not the best at explaining things ultimately, it boils down to respect.
You. Deserve. Safety. You. Deserve. Dignity.
LEAVE. End of discussion.
Edit: I would like to add, when someone is trying to leave, let them.
Yes if he has done it once he will do it again. No you are not at fault. No one should ever put a hand on you. But the next time he wants to leave. Let him. It is not up to you if he leaves or stays. But that is no excuse to hurt you.
Run with your Dear Life, whilst there’s still time
Love does not hurt, love is kind
Cheating and domestic abuse are rarely ever a one off.
Nobody with any self-respect ever stays with a cheater. This is what happens when you do. It gets worse.
100% your fault, you overreacted which caused him to overreact. Apologize and move on together
Unless you want a violence filled life and to possibly be murdered by someone you love
End it
You’re not compatible
Yes he’ll keep cheating and abusing you.
Dump him
Speaking as someone who went through domestic violence. Listen to us please, get out. It will not be a one off. Staying tells them “yeah it’s okay if you hit me, I’ll still stay”. You are worth more than that. Would you be okay with knowing this happened to your sister, your best friend, your daughter, your mother, etc. Or would you tell them to leave?
There is absolutely no excuse for this. The fact you are already asking if it’s your fault, breaks my heart.
yes he’ll do it again, no its not your fault as there is no justifiable reason to ever todo that.
I should probably leave it at that, but take some time to learn the difference between boundaries and rules. Also if you feel you cant be in a relationship with someone without respecting their right to privacy, you need to work on that. I would never go through a partners phone as you did. You may feel justified as your gut was right, but again, there is no justifiable reason to ever invade a partners privacy. You both have some toxic juvinile stuff you need to work on. In the end though your orig question is answered at the top of my post.
Leave him and work on yourself. You desrve better.
Yes. It always escalates. GTFO. You are not safe.
Look up the abuse cycle. You’re up for honeymoon phase next, but then it’ll change again. Don’t let honeymoon phase trick you into thinking it’ll be over. It’s not a straight timeline, but a circle.
If you have any common sense, you will cut him off completely. No second chances.
Is this how you want the rest of your life to look? If you don’t care about yourself, what about any potential children, even grandchildren, you might have in the future? This boy you are choosing to associate with, he will ruin it, piss on it all! Then turn around and shit all over it, and set it on fire.
The future is all up to you. You are at a crossroads. YOU and only you are in charge of determining the future of you and all your future offspring. Do not screw this up or you will have only yourself to blame for what comes after.
> he had the girl he cheated on me with
Why the fuck are you still with this loser?
Also, he laid hands on you once, it’ll happen again and it will escalate.
> and he finished a bottle of crown apple
So angry, aggressive, alcoholic 18 year old?
Just leave him and block.
Get out asap physical violence is never ok and there’s nothing that you can think about that would justify it for him.
[Free advice and this really works] Stats between the age group of 18-25. There are 700-800 million boys.
So girl, you’ve plenty of options to choose from and the world is big!!
Come out of this relationship. The world is beautiful!!
P.S: Thank me later 😉
It doesn’t get better. It will definitely get worse. He’s a cheater and he’s abusive. What is there to stay for?
He will 100% do it again. If he felt comfortable grabbing your hair and neck before he would definitely feel comfortable doing it again. And no, it’s not your fault. There is no excuse for him to be violent like that when he’s angry. You need to get away from him and make sure you’re in a safe environment.
It’s not your fault and there is nothing that you could’ve done to deserve that. Leave and file a police report.
Strangulation is really fucking bad. There is a reason why it is often prosecuted as attempted murder rather than aggravated assault compared to other forms of abuse like hitting and pushing. Studies have shown that people who strangle their partners are much more likely to murder them.
If you stay you’re putting your life at risk. If you don’t file a police report, you’re putting others lives at risk.
You shouldn’t have violated his privacy by going through his phone, but that in NO way made it your fault he attacked you. And don’t see it as anything other than that: he ATTACKED you. He assaulted you. He abused you. You didn’t do anything to deserve that. He’s an abusive piece of shit. This is not your fault. I would encourage you to end things with him, and it might be safest to do it over the phone so he can’t harm you again.
Bail. That only gets worse.
He cheated! Nope. He will again. Both that and being physical are firm NO GOs
It’s not your fault.
He WILL do it again.
He’s going to kill you. This is how it starts.
Get away.
Lots of good information here.
If you don’t leave now, it will only get worse. There is never an excuse for physical violence.
There’s so much wrong in what he’s doing it’s hard to know where to start. He cheated on you after you already set a boundary. He verbally abused you. He was planning to drink and drive. He physically assaulted you. Then (biggest red flag) he blamed his behaviour on you. You already know this is wrong and you know you need to leave. Get trusted people to help you get your stuff and get out. NOW. This is no longer a question of what is right – this is about your life and your safety. Don’t allow him to do any of this again. Because he will.
If you want to live, he’s all done.
You two are not a couple anymore. Get your stuff together when he’s out.
Necks are a hard no.
Trapping someone who’s trying to leave is an action movie thing, not a thing to try in real life.
2 options:
1: Leave and save yourself precious time
2: Be like my mother, ignore the signs and stay with someone who doesn’t love you for 20 years while they abuse you
Hopefully you make the right choice honey
That is a one and done. Leave now!!!
He’s not your person
Run. You are done.
He’s a cheater and he’s violent…..you know you’ve got to leave. Please stay safe ❤️
If your partner has strangled you in the past, you are 10 times more likely to be killed by them. Get out now. You’re 18, you can do better than this fuck.
he’s fuckin’ trash
Not your fault. He’ll do it again. Leave now!!
Edit: typo
It will only get worse. Get out now
Statistically he is only just getting started.
Leave and call the cops, it will only get worse, you will do way better than this 🤡
He’s a cheating abuser. Leave him and let everyone know why!
Very alarming, especially at 18
Please call the cops, Find a safe place to go where he cannot get to you. You may have feelings for him but nothing is worth being abused. Please for the love of all humanity get somewhere safe and once you have told the authorities tell us you are safe because we are all invested in this too now.
Yeah he’ll most likely do it again. It’s his fault for having that shit on his phone but realistically if this has happened before then what is there to argue about? You might’ve taken less physical and emotional damage if you just got up and left him there to wonder whether or not you’re coming back. Hit em with that Danny Phantom. Always weigh out your actions and even if you’re comfortable around a person always expect the unexpected from them bc darling people not only change but almost never show their truest colors. I’m sorry he put hands on you that’s truly awful. I hope you’re not too far from the exit door.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It is just the beginning of the abuse. He’s already blaming you (“I’ve never done this before.” “You pushed me to do it.”) Unless people accept accountability for their actions, it will happen again and given the nature of abuse it will progressively worsen. This time it’s a bruise and hair pulling. Next time it could be similar but probably worse. PLEASE LEAVE HIM for your own safety.
Nope get out. I was in your exact position when I was your age. It will only get worse. It will only escalate. I guarantee you if you ditch this guy today you will look back on this in 10 years and see that you did not love him and he did not love you. The sooner you get out the better.
There are more red flags in your post and I can count, but let me point out a couple of them he cheated on you red flag when you saw that and brought to his attention and tried to leave he grabbed a hold of you as in put his hands on you and bruised you. That’s a red flag. He left marks on your throat. That’s not a red flag. That is a screaming warning that you need to get out. How much more are you gonna put up with this man physically abused you
And he threatened you what happens next time that you anger him will he put you in the hospital or will he put you in a grave? No one has the right to lay a hand on you put their hand on you threaten you. This is your wake up call this is your warning you need to break up with him and walk away . Do not listen to him. Do not pay attention to anything that he says this man is a liar he’s a cheater and he’s abuser. Please get her far away as you can from him before he really hurt you. I would take pictures of the bruising in the marks and file police report for domestic abuse get out now where you still can but your question is, can you fix this? My answer is hell. No you can’t. There is nothing to fix this man abused you. He cheated on you.
Choking generally is a precursor for extreme domestic violence. You’re young, run away as fast as possible.
It’s not your fault. He will do it again. Leave
Yes, he will do it again and no it’s not your fault. Please get out now. It will only escalate until you are hospitalized or dead.
WAKE UP! – It is NEVER your fault when someone puts their hands on you no matter what you did. Yes, it will happen again and probably escalate. I have known two women who were murdered by their partners or ex. You need to leave him now.
That’s not love my young sister. A good man doesn’t cheat on you, even after decades of marriage. They certainly don’t put their hands on you. It will never, ever be better than it is right now. Is that what you really want for yourself? Fly little bird.
Didn’t even need to read the title to say yes. If you’re in a relationship male or female keep your damn hands to yourself. It’s not love, it’s abuse as soon as anyone raises a hand to you
Honestly this entire relationship sounds toxic as fuck and you should get out. He’s unfaithful and violent and you’re massively overattatched. Statistically yes he will hurt you again.
He will do it again. It’s not your fault. Leave.
Yes. No. He will likely do it to someone else if you don’t call the police.
He cheated on you. Is apparently still cheating on you with the same girl, and now you physically assaulted you. You should not love him because he clearly does not love you. He doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve to keep being mistreated by him. Break up and go to therapy to help move on.
Probably