My boyfriend raped me last night. TW: graphic

My boyfriend (16m) and I (15f) have been dating for two years, and sexually active for one. I was raped as a child, so I have to take it really slow and be careful. I’m a touchy person, but not sexually. I like to hold hands, hug a lot, rest my head on his shoulder, stuff like that. We don’t penetrate often, usually just oral and hand stuff. I trusted my boyfriend to help me with the emotional side of things, and he usually did.

I’ve been staying with my boyfriend and his parents because my grandparents, who I live with, are out of town for my grandpa’s job as a professor. They’ll be gone for another two weeks.

Last night was my last dance recital of the year. I was showering after, and my boyfriend got in with me. I was fine with it, thought it was romantic and everything, so we started making out. After a while, the water was getting cold and we wanted to keep going, so we moved to his bed. We continued to make out and eventually gave each other head.

After he finished going down on me, he reached into his nightstand for a condom. I told him I didn’t want to have penetrative sex right then, and he said he didn’t care. I was shocked, he’s usually so gentle and kind. I told him no again, and he said that I didn’t deserve for him to wear a condom. He penetrated me, and I tried to resist, but I couldn’t. He didn’t use lube or anything, and it hurt really bad. I was crying and begging for him to get off of me, and he just kept moaning louder so he wouldn’t hear me. He choked me and I almost passed out.

When he was done, he kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me, and rolled over and went to sleep. I didn’t know what to do, so I called my best friend (16m). He and his boyfriend, who I’m also pretty close with, were on a date and they left to come pick me up. They took me to the ER, and I got a rape kit. I didn’t want to be alone, so my best friend stayed with me the whole time. I had to describe exactly what happened, and answer a bunch of questions about my sex life before. It was awkward, because my best friend and I talk about our sex lives, but we has to go into so much detail. It was really embarrassing to be naked in front of him, but he had a change of clothes in his car and they let me keep as much on as possible. The hospital kept the underwear that I wore there. He held my hand the whole time. I got a scan, as well, to make sure that his choking me didn’t damage my neck or brain.

The hospital called my grandparents, and I talked to them for a long time. They can’t come back early, but I’m staying with my best friend until they do come back. My best friend drove me back to his house and we fell asleep on his couch together. He and I have been watching New Girl and cuddling today. I can’t really trust myself alone right now, because I think I’ll hurt myself.

I genuinely can’t understand why my boyfriend would have done this. He’s always been so kind and caring and gentle. At the hospital, I said no to all of the questions about him abusing me, and I meant it. Our sex life was always very healthy before. Sometimes awkward, but still healthy and loving. It’s cliche, but if we were making love before what happened last night was pure hate.

I have an emergency appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Writing this made me feel a little bit better, so hopefully it’ll help to talk to my therapist. My best friend will be taking me. I feel bad for him, because I know this must be traumatic for him too. This whole thing is just terrible.