I (18F) met my boyfriend (19M) around two years ago and we’ve been dating for a year of that. I really like him, we have similar interests, he is super considerate and we’re going to the same college so may even move in together next year. My boyfriend has this friend Dan (fake name) who dated a very close friend of mine up until a week ago. They broke up suddenly which was weird and they both refused to even like be in the same room together which was problematic, so I sat my friend down and she told me her and Dan had been waiting to have sex until her 18th birthday but a couple of nights ago when she was drunk Dan forced himself on her and even though she kept saying stop he carried on telling her ‘It will be over soon’ she said she barely remembered it but knows for sure it happened. I went to my bf (with her permission) and told him he has to stop being friends with Dan and I don’t want him to hang out with people like that, he refused saying ‘I’ve known him longer than I’ve known you and he was probably drunk too’, what the fuck? This is weird and I now have no clue what to do, he never expressly defended Dan but it feels that way. I love him and don’t want to leave him over this. I haven’t spoken to him in about 2 days and he keeps on reaching out, still saying this is stupid, I’m paranoid and please let it go. What do I do?
My boyfriend refuses to stop being friends with a rapist
r/Advice
Comments
i know you dont want to. but tell him youre gonna break up with him if he keeps hanging with a rapist
Being drunk doesn’t excuse blatantly ignoring a ‘no’
You are the company you keep. If he didn’t immediately drop him that most likely means he doesn’t think it’s wrong. Please protect yourself and leave
personally, i’d break up with him. the fact that he immediately jumped to denying it and making an excuse for his friend instead of acknowledging how serious the situation at hand is shows he simply doesn’t care. he’s literally degrading and insulting you for standing up for your friend and your morals
He doesn’t actually say that it probably didn’t happen.. so he believes it.. he just thinks its ok. This is much worse than if he had believed his friend.. he believes the girl but doesnt care cause he thinks what his friend did was justified… break up before you are in the same vulnerable position.
Darling, unfortunately here is a situation in which you are asked to choose between your feelings and your morals. The question isn’t how long you know your friend or he knows her friend, nor is it exaggerated, rather it’s really about ethical values and female solidarity. Guys like “Dan” continue to exist and go unnoticed partly due to the fact that those around him try to justify it/do nothing in response to his actions. It’s disconcerting that your boyfriend would try to justify such behavior, even though he might never do it. “Dan” should suffer the consequence of his actions, but your boyfriend (no offense) doesn’t even have the guts to talk to him man-to-man and tell him he’s a disgusting creep, INSTEAD he tells YOU you’re overreacting and uses excuses like “he was probably drunk too” as if that solves the issue. It’s hard, but women deserve so much more respect than this, even you from your boyfriend. Talk to him clearly, get angry, show him how wrong what he said was and if he doesn’t understand it, he remains yet another disrespectful man who definitely doesn’t deserve a girl like you.
I don’t think you want to keep people like that on your path through life. Give that some thought please. What you see and experience is heavily influenced by the company you keep. Choose your friends wisely. It will make your life tremendously more fulfilling.
Well to be fair, he is probably shocked and in his youth doesn’t know how to handle this. Just demanding someone drop their long-time friend is a big ask, regardless of what they are accused of doing.
That said, yes you are correct that your BF should drop his friend like a hot potato. But it just isn’t easy. Give him some time, and be firm that you and your friend can NOT be around the rapist in any capacity. Support your friend.
If your friend hasn’t reported him to the authorities yet, we should consider doing so.
He did defend Dan, though. You can either create a boundary or be miserable knowing hes okay with rapist friends. Boundaries are for you, not them. You say “I will not tolerate this in my life” and when it continues YOU move on. You dont keep trying to make them move on.
He is not a good person, dump him
Leave him. That man is NOT your ally
I think the best course of action is to dump your boyfriend and encourage your friend to report the situation if she is comfortable.
You dont want to date someone who takes the side of a rapist.
No normal person wants to be near a rapist. So he is either cool with rape, or is even down to commit rape.
Leave his ass ASAP. No note or talk needed. He is not safe to be around.
It‘s actually easier said than done! Of course he should! But don’t just throw away what you have because someone on reddit says to ask him, „it‘s me or him!“. It‘s not something to take lightly. Have a discussion with him. Perhaps he believes that nothing happened because his friend told him something like that. Better to have a proper discussion with him.
He is the company he keeps, and so are you. If your boyfriend is okay to be friends with a rapist, it’s time he stopped being your boyfriend.
Yes, it is unfair. And really hard. It’s worth it though.
your boyfriend is not a safe person to be around.
You have all the information you need.
So this is one of those situations where it’s ok to appropriately shame someone.
Keep your distance. He is guilty by association. Your boyfriend losing you is going to teach him the lesson he needs to learn to be a better person. You cannot directly teach this lesson and you cannot control the speed at which he learns this lesson.
I hope your friend keeps talking, keeping being there for her. I would encourage her to address it directly. She will feel better about herself if she stands up to herself. Just as you will if you stand up for yourself. I would say every time that you feel like your weak and can’t keep your boundary, think about how she is feeling right now. It’s not ok.