I (18F) have a boyfriend (18M). We’ve been together for a little over a year.
tldr: Every time we have a conflict, he fully shuts down. Like, he’ll literally do anything else to avoid me or just say, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Then, when I express that I’m hurt, he usually realizes he made a mistake — and then he feels really guilty and can’t stop crying. I’m talking hours of crying, filled with guilt and constant feelings of shame.
Today I was at his place. We were just having brownies, and I mentioned that I wanted to visit my home country — which isn’t really safe right now. He said, “Please don’t.” I explained that I wanted to go because a motherly figure of mine was buried there, and I really wanted to visit her grave. I also mentioned it was kind of a long shot anyway, since travel is really restricted there.
I was feeling kind of under pressure while explaining it, so I started laughing nervously. He said he was being serious, but I kept laughing — not because I thought it was funny, but because he was shutting down the conversation, and I got uncomfortable. Then he picked up his plate, put it in the sink, and wandered into the living room.
So I did the same. I realized I hadn’t taken off my shoes, so I did that, and when I came back he was playing the piano. I just sat on the couch, thinking maybe he needed time to cool down. Eventually, he sat next to me and got on his laptop. I asked him, “Would you even notice if I just slipped out?” and he shook his head no. So I left.
I texted him, “I care about you but this pattern is not sustainable for me I can’t be the one always holding us together when conflict happens if real change doesn’t happen not promises but change I can’t keep doing this i don’t want to leave i really want this to work but i need a real relationship and that means being there even when it’s hard especially when it’s hard”
(For context: we had been having disagreements with this exact pattern for three days in a row — all ending with him acknowledging that it’s not fair to shut down, and promising to change next time.)
So basically, I told him: the next time this happens, I’m breaking up with you.
At first, he said I was an asshole for laughing in his face when he told me something he didn’t liks. I explained that I only laughed because he completely shut down any potential conversation and I got really uncomfortable. Once I explained, he apologized and asked me to come back. I went back to his place.
Then came the guilt and crying again.
After staying with him for an hour or two (not sure). I told him this wasn’t me leaving him (he was freaking out about that)— I just needed space to process everything on my own and he did too. He said he didn’t want me to be the only one putting in the effort and agreed, but kinda made jt hard for me to leave.
When i got home I explained that this is emotionally overwhelming for me, and that I can’t keep doing this every time we disagree. He broke down again and said stuff like, “I feel like I’m going to do it again and you’re going to break up with me,” and kinda hinted at the fact that change isn’t possible overnight.
I told him I agreed — I don’t expect perfection — but I do need to see some improvement. Still, I’m left wondering if I should have stood my ground more firmly.
Important info:
He is in therapy. He has trouble regulating his emotions. I have broken up with him a couple times before. I’ve also lied to him and broken his trust (not by cheating). I don’t know if I’m being too patient, too harsh, or just plain exhausted. I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m starting to feel like the emotional weight of this relationship is always on me.
Should I have stood my ground? Or is giving him more time fair? I’m honestly torn.