I (22F) wanted to get some outside perspective on a situation with my boyfriend (23M) that’s been consuming my thoughts. I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m overthinking or his intentions make sense.
For context, we have a sexual relationship where we’ve explored rougher dynamics. I take on a much more submissive role– I like things like choking, face slapping, etc. I’m not gonna give too much information but you get the gist.
My boyfriend often asks if I find male celebrities attractive, which is awkward because he gets upset no matter how I answer. The other day, we had a tense conversation about this. Before we started dating, I mentioned I had a “celebrity crush” on an actor. During this conversation, he asked if I found him attractive. I know he knew the answer to that question, so I awkwardly laughed. I watched his face eyes fill with anger. Out of nowhere, he slapped me in the face.
It happened very quickly. It wasn’t super hard, but it stung and made my ear ring. We both froze for a few seconds in shock. A moment later, he leaned in to make out with me. I was still shaken up but didn’t say anything right away. I made out with him for a few seconds before I pulled away.
He then said something along the lines of: “why do I treat you so terribly?”
I asked him what he meant, and he simply said “I hit you.” He continued to explain that he was trying to initiate sex in an exciting way. I was still very confused, but I told him if the slap was meant sexually, that it was okay.
He also admitted he had been aggravated in the moment, but tried to turn that feeling into something sexual. Angry sex is one thing, but there was no context, no foreplay, and I felt totally caught off guard and kind of scared. He apologized and said it was meant to be sexual and that it won’t happen again. I can’t help but wonder if his intention was ever sexual to begin with. I am also confused because he apologized profusely and it seemed genuine.
There are other red flags I’ve noticed in our relationship. Name-calling (calling me slut and bitch during arguments), punching walls, speeding during arguments when I’m in the car, shoving me, criticizing my “provocative” outfits, accusing me of cheating for no reason, isolating me from friends, secretly searching my phone, ripping a hoodie off of me, and so on.
I love him deeply, and part of me wants to believe this was just a misjudged moment. But another part of me feels like I’m starting to lose myself. I find myself constantly second-guessing what’s normal and what I’m just tolerating.
My question is: Do you think I should be concerned about the slap, especially since it came out of nowhere and didn’t feel sexual? Was he just initiating sex? How do you know when a behavior like this is something to be alarmed about in a relationship?
I’d really appreciate any thoughts—especially from people who’ve had similar experiences and found clarity. Thank you!
Comments
>My boyfriend often asks if I find male celebrities attractive, which is awkward because he gets upset no matter how I answer. The other day, we had a tense conversation about this. Before we started dating, I mentioned I had a “celebrity crush” on an actor. During this conversation, he asked if I found him attractive. I know he knew the answer to that question, so I awkwardly laughed. I watched his face glow with anger. Out of nowhere, he slapped me in the face.
100% not okay!
This is wrong!
>There are other red flags I’ve noticed in our relationship.
Girl, get out of there!
>My question is: Do you think I should be concerned about the slap, especially since it came out of nowhere and didn’t feel sexual? How do you know when a behavior like this is something to be alarmed about in a relationship?
Yes, very!
Hun. He has a personality disorder.
And you’re in an abusive relationship.
And no these don’t get better.
There are many, many things you should be concerned about, OP.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Do you have family or friends you can call to help you leave?
Don’t take this lightly, OP. This is very, very serious.
break up he will hit you again. editing to say that i think it was meant with aggression and starting off with a face slap is not foreplay.
There is no coming back from this behavior. Unquestionable. Leave.
Choose a public place to break it off and make sure you have a safe way to get home. Have a friend pick you up at a specified time or something like that.
This is a highly abusive relationship, your list of “other red flags” is pretty much textbook!
National Domestic Violence Hotline USA
Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service
Hours: 24/7
Call 800-799-7233
Text BEGIN to 88788
Please call or text
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
What Is Domestic Abuse?
Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
girl, RUN.
If someone hits you, they do not respect you let alone like you or care about you. Get out. It will get worse. he is abusive. The only person who has hit me, called me names, shoved me, criticized my clothes, isolated me and punched walls was my ex. He ended up in jail for assault battery and strangulation. I’m alive in spite of him. Get out while you’re still alive. Don’t be like my dumb 22 year old self and stay. Don’t think you’re special and it’ll get better/never happen again. Get out asap See if you can get a restraining order on him. If you need to call the police and have them take you to a women’s shelter while you’re out getting groceries if you live together.
(I am happier than ever on the other side of the world from him).
I don’t need to read past the title. If he did it once, he’ll do it again. Things WILL get worse. Get out now before he ends your subscription to life.
There’s a thing called cycle of abuse (aka. cycle of IPV). Don’t fall into that cycle. Run away while you can. Seriously.
If he gets mad over nothing… wait until you actually screw up something… the way you can tell how your future will go is by leaving him. If he threatens you then it’s proof it will only get worse and be prepared to call the police for a restraining order. Good luck, keep friends and family on standby and trust your gut, if you feel you are in danger get out and be safe.
>There are other red flags I’ve noticed in our relationship. Name-calling (calling me slut and bitch during arguments), punching walls, speeding during arguments when I’m in the car, shoving me, criticizing my “provocative” outfits, accusing me of cheating for no reason, isolating me from friends, secretly searching my phone, accusing me of “not being attracted to him anymore” when I don’t want to have sex, and so on. Once he ripped a hoodie off of me during a screaming match and I was terrified.
It appears as though that slap is going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. This guy is an abuser, and now he’s trying to hide it under the guise of being sex play. GTFO before he seriously injures or kills you, which is where this is headed whether either of you want to think so or not.
I think you already know that this is an unhealthy relationship. It’s fine to have a sexual dynamic that is different than general societal expectations, but what you’re describing is just anger issues/abusive behavior that you and/or he are trying to justify.
It isn’t a kink anymore.
He froze after slapping you because he realized he shouldn’t have done that. So he tried to make it sexual immediately after to get it past you, to convince you it was fine. That’s not okay. Also, your ear ringing means it wasn’t a light slap. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.
Get out now, or it just gets worse from here.
Leave. I didn’t even read the whole thing, and it’s not needed. Leave.
I’ve read this before.
I can tell you as a 6’2 240lb ex football player that has been in a ton of fights.
I’ve never even considered hitting a women.
If it’s something he’s done he’s more than likely gonna do it again in a fit of rage.
It’s unacceptable but only you can choose to remove yourself from the situation.
My understanding of any kind of BDSM relationship is that it is supposed to be based on love and respect. Boundaries are discussed and agreed upon. There are clear limits to when and how it is practised.
Your boyfriend is using the idea of a sexual preference to abuse you. He is acting without your consent. He is not behaving in a loving or respectful way. He is lying about is motivation.
I’m worried that you think this might be ok. I’m worried that your sexual interest comes from a place of low self-esteem and self-worth rather than a confident preference and he is taking advantage of that.
The way he is treating you is not ok. It is going to get worse. Please don’t stay with him.
The title was enough. Leave him immediately.
Why do you love someone who terrified you, insults you, and can’t control his anger. Get away. You deserve better. Drop him.
He’ll 100% do it again, hes mentally abuses now hes physically abusive. You need to leave.
That slap was not to initiate sex! He was angry so this was not ok! People who abuse will say how sorry they are so you take them back until the next time. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN,and it could be worse. Name calling when fighting or any other time is not ok. One has to decide how much they are willing to take. When you have had enough you will leave. Please don’t wait too long
You are in danger. Full stop.
> How do you know when a behavior like this is something to be alarmed about in a relationship?
Basically when there are several other serious red flags going on as well. And not to be too alarmist OP but these aren’t really red flags – these are the actual abuse, you’re already in an abusive relationship shoving is physical abuse, driving unsafely is physical abuse
He’s having a good time at your self respect’s expense, you’re a loyal submissive yada yada i get it. But a man has to have restraint to a loyal woman and if he’s conflicted with himself he can never act in a way where you know what he is. I guess thats what gets you going, for now until you realise you’ve had enough from when he goes too far. Dont wait to find out is all I’ll say. You cant fix him, him being vulnerable around you is an illusion he creates to give you a false sense of power..he does or doesnt realise he’s manipulating you without good intent. He has a lot of growing up to do, please have a sensible brain and save yourself.
“ I love him so deeply…”
What is it you love about him? The name-calling? The rapid escalation of anger? The putting you in danger by speeding with you in the car? Shoving? Slapping?
He asked you and himself why he treats you so terribly. So he’s aware. Obviously you are not. I guess I’d have to go to your childhood to ask you why you put up with this? Were you abused as a kid?
You should never let a man who is this quick to rage choke you. I really don’t understand that whole dynamic, but I think so many people find it normal with the easy access of porn and the male based domination aspect… It’s so one-sided. Why don’t you value yourself?
Dump him, he’s a jealous douche and that behaviour WILL escalate.
No you’re going to end up on a Netflix crime doc my gf will fall asleep to a year from now
RUN
If anybody angrily hits their partner they’re a monster no matter what is said & have no self control/never will
He hit you because he is an abuser with no control over his emotions. He realized this and post hoc pretended it was sexual. YOUR EARS RANG. That could be permanent damage.
You are in a textbook abusive relationship. TEXTBOOK
Girl, there are only very few men out there, who are real doms. Your bf isn’t one of them and you shouldn’t allow him to abuse you.
He struggles with your expectations and the ones he watched in porn I suppose. You’re not good for each other.
Sit him down and break up. I would recommend to take a break from sub/dom dynamics and look into why you need/want it. Maybe try therapy.
You’re so young, you don’t know real pleasure, believe me. If you want a Dom, he has to earn your trust and only then he earns your submission.
Don’t give your dignity away be letting guys hit you. You let your bf mistreat you and he lost all respect for you. I bet he won’t do that with his next gf.
If you want to stay with him, stop the sub/dom dynamic. No hitting, no shoking, nothing what indicates he hates or doesn’t respect you.
Good luck.
This is not normal behavior. It’s not foreplay. It’s not romantic. It’s not sexual. This is evidence of his rage and his inability to control it. As red flags go, this one is HUGE. He’s punching walls, rage speeding in his car, and even questioning his own actions like hitting you. Hey, you can love someone but recognize they are abusive and out of control. This guy needs to get to a doctor, get into therapy, and get on meds. He’s going to hurt himself, hurt you, or both.
Break up with him run you see the warning signs anything out of consensual rough sex is abuse you said that you saw his eyes that were angry and he slapped you because of your celebrity crush. He wasn’t trying to initiate anything. He hit you in anger. The name-calling is another red flag. What he is doing or trying to do is emotionally and mentally beat you down to the point where you will get where you do not think you are worthy of a healthy loving relationship he will be down self-esteem to the point where you will tolerate anything from him you have been warnedno with your chance break up with him because I only say that we will get worse from here any other thing is no one has the right to call you names or shame you like he does please leave break up get out.
Honey run away he is abuser, he takes all frustrations on you and thats not good. The fact that he said it was sexual is even worst, if hurting you get him high you have a big problem or if he said it and apologized just to manipulate you to stay, there are sick individuals out there that you dont need to sit wait and analyze. Just get rid if him, when you break up with him make sure is in a public place because believe me he will physically attack you if at home and name call you and etc. It will take some time he will be crying that he loves you, controlling and insulting you and soon beat you, that not love. Im sorry honey, just get rid of him and stick to it, dont feel sorry for him to take him back, because things always start slowly and will keep escalating because he made sure that you always forgive him, but the more they escalate you will be staying with him out of fear. Just get rid of him and find a nice guy to be with, you are very young and plenty of time to find a good man
He’s abusive, run!
His story is a lie. He is descending down the cellar stairs of an abuser. The instances you describe are antithetical to a loving, mutually respectful relationship. Get far away from this weak man.
No good man would raise his hand to his woman. In fact, nobody. You are better without a man like him, leave for the sake of your future self. Love yourself more.
It’s going to be hard, and possibly dangerous for you to leave, but you need to do it. The sex play has nothing to do with shoving you, criticizing what you wear, driving erratically… no impulse control. This is how domestic violence starts, they blur the lines, and push the boundaries a little further till you don’t even know how it happened that you’re in an abusive relationship. Please use these resources, because he won’t just let you break up and walk away, he’s going to feel threatened and out of control. Guys like this can flip like a switch and seriously hurt or kill you. Pack your “go bag”, do your research and look for the safest options for yourself. Please take care!
I thought this was going to be a one time thing, in which case it is still very bad, but then you labeled a bunch of other things which makes it even worse. This sounds like straight up abuse and emotional manipulation. The moment you typed, “why do i treat you terribly?” That is straight up a stereotypical abusive response in general. I would immediately jump ship and immediately leave and not turn back. And if he comes to threaten or get profusely angry, I would literally cut all contact, leave town, erase all traces, file a restraining order if I could.
Leave now!! Leave in silence not violence.
This hits home, exact situation and I don’t want you to waist your life away with someone like this. I promise you!! You will be more happier. Yes the sex is great but there is a better man with better dick and will treat you better than this pos