I’m 25F, been dating my boyfriend (27M) for almost a year. Everything’s great except one thing: he still keeps in touch with his ex.
He says it’s purely friendly, that they were a big part of each other’s lives and he doesn’t want to be rude by cutting her off completely.
But I’ve seen some of the messages – it’s always him reaching out, asking how she’s doing, saying he misses talking to her.
I haven’t told him how much it bothers me because I don’t want to seem insecure, but honestly, it eats me up inside.
Is this normal or a huge red flag I shouldn’t ignore?
My boyfriend still texts his ex “just to check in”
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OK, he’s reaching out to her. She’s not reaching out to him? And he tells her how much he misses talking to her?
Now that’s a big line. There’s a difference between being friendly and telling someone you miss talking to them. Exactly what does he miss talking to her about? And why is it that he can’t get that from you?
It’s hard to say with more context, but it does seem like he still has a thing for her. It also seems like the reason he’s not with her is because she isn’t interested. She’s not the one reaching out to him.
If he misses talking to her that much, he shouldn’t be in a relationship with you. You’re not insecure for feeling weird about your boyfriend emotionally chasing his ex.
The act of being friends with an ex is not a red flag in itself but there are red flags sometimes.
This sounds like one purely because he is reaching out and saying he misses her etc.
Rule one of being friends with an ex is that both parties have to have a clear understanding of why they are not together and it does not sound like your bf has a clear understanding of why they are not together or close at least.
I would be concerned.
Is this normal or a huge red flag I shouldn’t ignore?
If the answer to that question is obvious…no advice needed
If the answer to that question is NOT obvious…no advice possible.
You need to tell him how this makes you feel.
One of my few rules in an exclusive relationship is there is to be no contact with former sex partners. Unless there is a kid involved.
Tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t respect that it bothers you, then he’s just not the right fit for you unfortunately. Especially if he’s the one reaching out and saying he misses her etc. It just sounds like to me he’s keeping her on the line incase something happens between the two of you.
At first try discussing the issue with him. If he truly cares for you he should at least try to communicate with his ex less, as his first priority should be how his gf feels not his ex. If not and if it’s not something that you are ready to compromise, then my friend you know your ans. And if u are wondering that is his actions are red flag in general, then it might depend on people and their morals, personally that’s not something I am willing to tolerate
Girl…
Friendly is “hope you’re well,” not “I miss our chats .” You’re not insecure, your gut’s just working. Trust it
I don’t think it’s a red flag. Ask him why he feels the need to reach out and let him know it makes you feel unsure of things.
If he loves you, he’ll answer patiently and listen to what’s up in your heart. If you love him, you’ll do the same.
I had my partner’s ex show up out of the blue (they were together for nearly a decade) after we’d been together for 1.5 years. He wanted to reconnect and share some of what was up in his life. Nice person, no ulterior motives. I was at first uncomfortable but when we talked it through (my partner and I) we learned a lot about each other and saw there’s no threat to what we were building.
I think it’s a red flag.
I still talk to one of my exes, but we reach out to each other in equal (infrequent) measure and I don’t think I’ve ever told him I miss him.
He’s going out of his way to reach out to her and says he misses her?
Bro, get your head out your ass. He has feelings for her. If he was trying to be polite, he wouldn’t be the one reaching out.
Info: who ended it? Is she replying to these messages?
From the info provided, I’d venture to say that he still is attached to his ex and wants to be with her, but he is using you as a placeholder because he doesn’t like being alone.
It used to be that having hostile relations with ex’s was a red flag.
But now Reddit has decided that not being a jerk and remaining friendly with people is unacceptable.
Hmm…
Me and my girlfriend still text our ex’s but we stated that if they try to get back with us or start getting flirty we will cut them off
It’s best to be open with him about how you feel don’t worry about feeling insecure better to let him know if he really cares and loves you he will probably do everything he can to help you
I check in with my ex from time to time. She lives far away. I do miss talking to her. It’d be nice to see eachother again. I dont miss being with her.
My mom always says “you will always find what your looking for”. If your looking for something wrong you will interpret them missing talking to eachother as something wrong.
Who cares. He’s with you. Until hes not wanting to be with you he can have a female friend. By allowing it to bother you, all your doing is asking him to hide it or lose a friend. If hes such a shitty person you can’t trust him to talk to her than you shouldn’t have been with him in the first place.
Totally inappropriate. I have very little contact with my ex’s. We are friendly but not pals. We share kids- so occasionally chat if it’s in regard to the kids but nothing else.
Red flag 🚩 he’s initiating the contact
I have exs and on occasion (1 x a year maybe) I might hear from them but the intimate relationship is not there .
And it’s usually for something wrong with car or whatever….. but I won’t initiate contact . So if he misses talking to her etc then I’d say she dumped him and he just hasn’t gotten over it …. a year ? Yeah you need to sit him down and talk to him about this.
His answers will reflect how he really feels….
If she told him she want’s him back he would come running, you are the backup plan.
I also keep in touch with my ex… because I’m still completely in love with him lol.
There’s no reason to stay in contact with an ex if you’re over them, and if you’re NOT, you should not be in another relationship until you get over them.
He’s not being fair to you, and chances are this is going to end ugly. Sorry to say.
I do give him kudos for being open and honest about it and sounds like he isnt hiding his phone from you. But hes on the line. Relationships are about open and honest conversations. If this is affecting you, he needs to move you up to priority and stop reaching out.
It’s not normal. HUGE red flag, and it should eat you up inside, it’s completely inappropriate.
He isn’t over her.
Am I correct in assuming that she dumped him?
Nope. Run.
That’s the emergency life line.
He is rude to you!
They are still smashing
Dump him.
If his ex wanted to hook up with him, he would do it.
He’s not over her & he’s not ready for a new relationship.
He should be your Ex- boyfriend. He’s keeping tethered for a reason and it’s not in your best interest either.
OP you should read the title of your post back to yourself as many times as it takes till it sinks in
He literally used to put his penis in her vagina. I hate the way people make it seem like someone has to be insecure to not be comfortable with their partner staying in touch with their ex. They’re called X’s for a reason. Your feelings are valid. Would he like it if you stayed in touch with your ex? If you were the one always reaching out to him? Telling him that you miss talking to him? A lot of things have been normalized when it comes to what genders should accept but when you reverse the roles, it highlights how absurd it is. No guy wants his girl keeping in touch with their ex. Why do you have to be the cool gf about it? Clearly he’s not with her because she doesn’t want to be with him, it’s not fair to you, for him to use you as a filler. You deserve better. It’s usually deeper than “just checking in”.
Leave him. You will see them together shortly after
I’m at the point where I have to tolerance for that kind of bf. Go be with her if you miss her so much. Bye
I’m not sure if it’s a red flag or not. I guess it would depend on his intentions which you can only find out about by asking him. I can tell you that my ex husband(no kids involved) kept in contact for about 20 years after the divorce, no texting, we are old so it was through email. While he continued to want to get back with me, I did not so while I was friendly, that was all I was. So it is possible he’s just being friendly because they had such a long history. Talk to him. Find out about her and why he wants to stay in contact with her, if it’s not to try to get her back then there is no red flag.
It’s not a red flag. He’s not hiding it. It’s not common either though.
It is completely appropriate for you to ask him to stop reaching out to her if it makes you feel uncomfortable though.
That doesn’t make you controlling or insecure or anything like.
It bothers you so ask him to stop.
Run girl! He is still in love with her!
He’s reaching out to her, he’s saying he misses talking to her, and he’s also saying he can’t cut her out etc so thats your answer. HES GIVING YOU EVERYTHING you need to know. If shed take him back sounds like he’s drop you no problem so that’s not good I’d address it asap because it doesn’t sound like friendship it sounds like he’s settling for that if that’s all he’s getting at this point in time..
It’s not the checking in, it’s the missed connection.
Run from him
He is not for you
He will leave you the moment she accepts him back
Misses talking to her? If he misses her that much they should get back together.
Huge red flag.
Don’t be naive. Kick him to the curb.
No reason to pretend for anything.
Talk with him respectfully and openly tell him how uncomfortable are you.
From his response and your conversation you will get all answers.
We can’t know.
Good luck! 🍀
He’d be my ex too after reading that.
Men and women can be friends, but exes NO.! Be vocal and if he doesn’t respect how you feel he care more about her. You will have your answer after you have a serious conversation with him.
Tell him he needs to choose: texting her or being in a relationship with you. He can’t have both.
I don’t think in itself it’s that much of a bad thing, even though you should feel however you feel. But he seems like he’s lying or giving false information a bit and that feels weird.
Normally women defend this talking to exes as ‘friends’ stuff, so the responses will be mighty interesting when the tables have turned.
Why don’t you casually mention an ex-boyfriend called just to chat? I suspect his response might be filled with projection.
Flag you have. Red, it is. – Yoda.
Big red flag. Sounds like he wants her back and is waiting to see if she’ll eventually reciprocate. If it was mutual, it’d be a friendship. From what you say, it sounds like he’s chasing her.
The fact that you’re posting in Reddit asking shows that perhaps you know the answer but you like him so maybe want it not to be the case. Which is fair, but you know deep down it isn’t right. Go through the heartbreak now and long term you’ll be way better off. Contrary to how it may seem, there are plenty of great guys around
This has nothing to do with him. You must engage your self-respect and demand an end to this communication. If it doesn’t stop, you know what to do.
Gross
Why don’t you text her and see if she is a pleasure to talk to first before jumping to conclusions.
He still wants to keep her in the bullpen in case things go sideways with you
NOPE — Especially if at night. But also, NOPE. I mean, you don’t want him to begin lying about it. But, if he won’t stop, you should move along.
I have several ex’s that I speak to on occasion…
You know what our conversations never include? “I miss you”.
That’s a red flag.
Also, it sounds like a mostly one sided conversation…. Which is also a red flag.
Example- last ex I talked to, we talked about her mom’s business I saw was closed. Caught up on family, her mom’s unfortunate situation, etc. Real, friendly, substantive, grown ass adult conversation. No one would confuse it for something it wasn’t.
If what you are portraying is accurate, it sounds to me like he’s testing the waters, or trying to keep them in his stable as back-ups. Neither is a good indicator for your relationship
Do yourself a favor and break up. You are a place holder for him. If his ex wanted to get back together, he would break up with you to be with her. The boundry of him not speaking to his ex is not for him, it’s for you. You will find someone who actually appreciates you.
Regardless of what anyone says is okay or not, the only person who can truly decide is you, only you know what you feel happy with and what you are willing to accept.
If you are uncomfortable in a relationship, one of three things happens; you talk about it, you don’t and a problem slowly brews, you break up. Those are truly the only three options, you will not suddenly become okay with this no matter what strangers on the internet tell you.
I understand you may want to feel supported in your view of it being wrong, and from what I see in the comments, other people are also finding it odd. You know in your heart and mind how you feel, so the real question is what’s the next step?
Bring up how it affects you, try and understand what you feel about it and why, and make it clear the impact it has on you and what specifically gives you that feeling. If you feel there needs to be change, also make that clear. Listen to his reply and see what he says, and if he gives any reasoning for why. But at the end of the day never be afraid to draw boundaries even he might have a “good” reason for this.
Hopefully he is empathetic to your situation, and the way he navigates it will give you a good signal of how compatible you truly are in the long term.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩😁
Personally, any contact with an ex means you still care about them and are not over them. So to me, huge red flag and deal breaker.
Ive been with my man for 14+years. Him having contact with any ex, or same with me, would’ve been a deal breaker. Neither of us have any ties to exes.
If you make it clear that it bothers you and he doesn’t cut her out completely….there’s your answer.
It doesn’t matter what he thinks. If it bothers you he should do what he can to make you feel better. If you are HIS person for life, he will do anything.
red flag is how he keeps in touch. even worse, he’s saying he misses talking to her. how disrespectful to you! i dated a girl that did the exact same thing. i was trying to be the bigger man about it. big mistake. it didn’t last.
Is everything really “great”?
I always love the posts that start like this
Everything’s great except he’s not over his ex and if she snaps her fingers and takes him back I’m all alone but everything is GREAT
It’s a problem if you think it is. If he’s the one reaching out, then he’s missing his past and needs to move on. Don’t move in with him, and dont get pregnant.
OPEN YOUR EYESSSS
my first boyfriend in high school and i were together for 5, almost 6 years. we were a big part of each other’s lives. its been almost 10 years now since we broke up- we kept in contact after and it slowly got to be less over time. we’re still friends on socials and maybe once a year we end up asking how each other is doing and say happy birthday, but never to the extent that it seems like your bf is doing. we especially never said anything about missing eachother, that’s just a boundary you shouldn’t cross if youre already in another relationship. its completely understandable that its making you uncomfortable. if you express your feelings to him and he downplays it or continues doing it, its definitely a red flag. dont ignore it, it’ll keep eating you up inside (from experience in other relationships)
You didn’t realize the answer by the time you got to the end of typing that message? Of course it is wrong! Start checking in your ex too and telling your bf he was just a really special person in your life and you’re “friends.” See how that goes over. Kids…listen, if it feels off it’s because it IS off.
Nah girl just nope
I am soon to be dicorced from a partner of 19 years. I still love her we just grew apart, but I’d never say something like “I miss you”
I still go over and mow the lawn and fix things and adjust her back, as a sign I care, but I am careful not to be too intimate as I do not intend to get that close again.
The answer is in the context.
“He would if he still could”
You can check in on me just saying
She broke up with him and you’re the rebound.
Tell ol boy to shit or get off the pot.
You’re a fool to stay with him either way.
Ask how he would feel about you doing this, always being the one reaching out…
He’s definitely keeping the door open for her. I’d classify this as cheating, even if not physically definetly emotionally he’s cheating on you by keeping the door open for her and keeping a line to her attached. It’s unfair to you but it’d also be unfair to him if you were doing this with someone from your past. So i’d honestly make an ultimatum about this it’s either you or the ex.
Sounds like he would drop you in a heartbeat if the ex were interested.
If his ex wanted to be with him – you would not be in the picture at all. The moment his ex even hints at wanting him back – he will drop your ass.
Mark my words.