tw: sexual assault
when i was 16, i was groomed and statutory raped by my “friend”. he was roughly 19-20. i don’t want to go into crazy detail with that, but it provides context. i stopped talking to him a very long while ago and have no intentions of speaking to him again. however, i kept in contact with the friendship group. this one guy (we will call john) was also 18-19 when this all happened (he was the only other adult in the group, the rest of us were 16-17). we were still pretty good “friends” up until yesterday. talking to my boyfriend about this all was the realisation that i had actually been groomed and raped and that john did nothing but stand there. it was a shock to say the least. i didn’t like my abuser (don’t know if that’s the right word) but it was hard to come to terms with my “close friend” was nothing but a bystander.
i had a friends birthday come up where john was invited and i spoke to my boyfriend about it where we said he was uncomfortable due to him being a bystander. completely and utterly valid, so i didn’t go. another time john and some friends visited me at work and asked if i wanted to hang. i spoke to my boyfriend about it and he once again said he was uncomfortable. again, completely understood and i didn’t go.
now here is where the issue is. me and my boyfriend has a big blow up because i told him that a friend was a victim by john and it had completely flipped it for me. he begins to blow up at me saying that “why would you even be friends with john in the first place?”, “you wanted to be friends with a pedophile” and so on. he has also called me a rapist apologist and rapist sympathiser.
this isn’t my first time getting raped and/or sexually assaulted. i am quite the victim to it actually. i obviously HATE rapists and pedophiles. i was trying to explain that it was hard for my brain to do that switch with john. someone who was a really good “friend” to me to now be this disgusting monster that i had only discovered not too long ago. i acknowledged what he did was wrong, i know that, but it was hard for my brain to make that switch. i have bpd, depression and anxiety so im not sure if that has anything to do with it. i struggle really hard with processing things, especially trauma.
i really need advice on how to prove to my boyfriend that i don’t like rapists or pedophiles? i’m really terrified he’s going to leave me over this. i love him so much
edit: guys he’s only uncomfortable with john because john knew about the older guy grooming and assaulting yet did nothing. i think that’s perfectly valid yall 😭
Comments
I say fuck him. You left your age out which makes it hard to gauge the situation but I’m picturing you around 19. You’re too young to tolerate that kind of bullshit in a relationship and he sounds immature af.
It kind of sounds like your boyfriend is manipulating you and trying to isolate you from your friend group and support system.
i think i can maybe get in his brain for a second and potentially make the assumption that he is just very upset, angry and hurting that someone would do this to someone he loves, and then have to just sit there and essentially watch while his loved one still “entertains” some of these people (so to speak). THAT SAID: it is still not an excuse to behave this way towards you AND he is putting his effort and anger to to the wrong person entirely. you are a victim and he should keep this at the forefront of his mind at all times when you talk about this subject. he should have grace, patience and the ability to communicate what is really going on for him.
i’m sorry OP, this is really hard. as a survivor (also multiple times) myself, none of this is easy, or ever will be. my advice would be to have a conversation with him when you are both feeling more neutral, and just tell him that what he said is not true, and that you are just struggling to process all of these things but that you aren’t trying to hurt him, OR yourself. get on his level and tell him you appreciate his care but that this reaction does not make you feel supported. good luck.❤️
Your boyfriend is trying to get into your head and isolate you. He is yet again another abuser. Sorry to tell you this, since you’ve gone through other abuse. But something about him is off. I suspect you are not with a safe normal person.
It sounds like your boyfriend is outraged on your behalf and saw it correctly. John was your friend so you gave a blind eye to his bad behavior. If he stood by while that happened to you the clues were there.
Be kind to yourself and don’t associate with bad people, regardless of who they are bad to.