Okay, I know the title reads horribly and you’re probably ready to tell me to ditch my boyfriend. But he really does treat me well and I love him very much. So hear me out.
I (F 23) have become best friends over the last 6 months with, I’ll call her Alex. We do just about everything together and we truly enjoy each other’s company. I have known her boyfriend, we’ll call him Steve, for probably 15 years. When we were kids, he was horribly mean to me and would constantly bully me for my body, make me cry, and just generally insult me. I got over it as I got older and just accepted that Steve is not a nice person.
When I met Alex, I didn’t know she was with Steve. But they’ve been together off and on for 6 years, mostly on for the past 1.5. Here’s the problem, Steve talks SO poorly to her. The other night the four of us went for supper. It was the first time my boyfriend, (pseudonym Ted) met Steve and really had a conversation with him. Steve was saying he doesn’t like her pets and would shoot them, makes fun of her publicly about how she cleans the house, cooks, and takes care of herself. And so many more horrible things that I KNOW Ted would never say to or about me.
When I found out Alex was dating Steve, I assumed he maybe got nicer as we grew up. But that’s not the case. After the first couple of times Alex and I hung out, he would call her and demand that she return home to help him with things or take him food. Since becoming close friends with Alex, I hoped she would see the way Ted treats me and decide that she deserved better than how Steve treats her.
After the dinner the other night. Ted told me I should talk Alex into leaving Steve. Which I would love to do, because he is a total asshole and not fun to be around. We discussed this a little bit more and I lamented the fact that Ted would never treat me like that and I appreciated how he set an example. But we never came up with a great way to talk to Alex.
Alex knows about Steve and I’s past but maybe not the full extent. I often ignore that part of my life when I’m around Alex because I don’t want to speak negatively and upset her.
It breaks my heart watching Alex be torn down by him, especially when Ted is so good to me.
Help!
Edit: sorry Ted’s contribution to this situation isn’t enough for some of you. I ran out of time while writing initially.
I’m trying to give you the most back story on why Steve comes off as a horrible person. And the fact that one meeting is enough to decide that he sucks for her.
This post is looking for ADVICE because I want to follow his suggestion. I “featured” my boyfriend’s suggestion because I do want good advice. And the bones of the situation are exactly what he suggested. I’m not trying to make it click bait, I just want genuinely good advice. I guess if you don’t have anything to add please just move along.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Okay, I know the title reads horribly and you’re probably ready to tell me to ditch my boyfriend. But he really does treat me well and I love him very much. So hear me out.
I (F 23) have become best friends over the last 6 months with, I’ll call her Alex. We do just about everything together and we truly enjoy each other’s company. I have known her boyfriend, we’ll call him Steve, for probably 15 years. When we were kids, he was horribly mean to me and would constantly bully me for my body, make me cry, and just generally insult me. I got over it as I got older and just accepted that Steve is not a nice person.
When I met Alex, I didn’t know she was with Steve. But they’ve been together off and on for 6 years, mostly on for the past 1.5. Here’s the problem, Steve talks SO poorly to her. The other night the four of us went for supper. It was the first time my boyfriend, (pseudonym Ted) met Steve and really had a conversation with him. Steve was saying he doesn’t like her pets and would shoot them, makes fun of her publicly about how she cleans the house, cooks, and takes care of herself. And so many more horrible things that I KNOW Ted would never say to or about me.
When I found out Alex was dating Steve, I assumed he maybe got nicer as we grew up. But that’s not the case. After the first couple of times Alex and I hung out, he would call her and demand that she return home to help him with things or take him food. Since becoming close friends with Alex, I hoped she would see the way Ted treats me and decide that she deserved better than how Steve treats her.
After the dinner the other night. Ted told me I should talk Alex into leaving Steve. Which I would love to do, because he is a total asshole and not fun to be around. It breaks my heart watching Alex be torn down by him, especially when Ted is so good to me.
Help!
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Maybe you and your boyfriend should sit Alex down together and tell her about your concerns for her. Does she know all about Steve’s history of bullying you? If not, you should tell her. How did she talk about her boyfriend prior to your knowledge that her boyfriend was Steve? Did he give you abusive creep vibes when she discusses them or their relationship?
While Steve might be an a-hole and Alex should not be with a n individual who belittles her, I have to ask, Why is Ted featured in your title? Click bait much?? His contribution is just one short paragraph at the end of a long post. This is not about Ted’s suggestion but more about how you feel about Steve. First step for you is to own your feelings and your position about Steve. Any hope you might have about convincing Alex that Steve isn’t good for her must start with your own conviction. At the end of the day, it will be her choice to stay or leave and you should be okay with it and not log it off on poor Ted’s suggestion if it doesn’t go your way.
You can share your experience of Steve with her. You can ask her whether she would like it if someone talked to a friend of hers the same way he talks to her.
But no one can talk her into leaving him. All you can do is let her know that she deserves better. The rest is up to her.
And yeah, she might take it badly. So you also have to ask yourself if it’s worth losing the friendship over. Then ask yourself if a true friend would take that risk.
I’ve been in similar situations and I have had to have the hard conversation with them. Some friends I lost and still miss. But for me personally I sleep better knowing that I tried to be a good friend
If he’s doing such things blatantly in front of people, I cringe to think what happens in private.
As a friend, you should tell her that his behavior is concerning and upsetting to you and remind her that she is deserving of someone who doesn’t wear her down. However, because she is in a toxic, abusive relationship- she very well could get defensive and pull away from you. It’s a delicate dance of letting her know this guy is shitty and while still being on her side. Just reinforce you want her to be happy and you’re concerned.
Toxic relationships take awhile to get out of sometimes.
You are never ever going to be able to convince someone to leave their partner if they don’t want to. And trying to do it is probably just going to ruin your friendship. All you can do is let her know that you’re there for her and will support her regardless.
I dont recommend saying you need to leave him. That never works. Tell her your history with him. Tell her how amazing she is. Tell her she deserves the best. You can VERY gently say you see some things that he says or does that dont sit right with you but most importantly Tell her you are always there for her and if she ever needs anything dont hesitate to reach out.
I am always stunned by the number of people who stay in abusive relationships. That’s said, you can try to help her out but proceed with caution because you might lose the wonderful relationship you have with your friend. Some people are and will always be blind to what is happening in their lives and cannot be helped.
It took me until a friend told me that my ex-husband was being abusive to me before I saw it.
Unfortunately you cannot talk someone out of leaving an abusive relationship before they are ready. You have to be prepared for Alex to cut contact with you or tell Steve and have him force her to cut contact with you for mentioning leaving him. I think the best approach in talking to her about it would be to ask if you can have a serious conversation with her about Steve and come from a place of concern over how you have heard him to speak to her and the extent of your past with him. Do not mention leaving him, but make it clear that you are a safe person for her to talk to or come to if she needs anything. Also talk to your partner about what you are able to physically provide if she does leave him. Do they live together and she’ll need a place to crash? Someone to watch her pets for a while? Financial help to get a new place? It’s easy to tell someone to leave but you need to be prepared to support her if she does.
Speaking from experience as someone who took 4 years to fully leave and get out of my abusive relationship.
I think you need to sit down with her and talk to her. Tell her about your past with Steve. I think if you frame it as you want her to leave then she’s going to push back and just want him more and what if she goes and tells Steve that you are trying to get her to break up with him. You might make the situation worse for her.
Tell her that you are there if she needs anything and that you will help her in any way you can.
Your past with Steve is completely irrelevant to the situation and should not be used to persuade her. What IS relevant is the current situation and the way he treats her. But she KNOWS what he’s doing and she knows that it’s bad. So what you should do as her friend is not try to paint him to be the bad guy- that will just make her jump to his defense. You just need to build her up and help her see that she is worthy of real love and to be treated with respect. She obviously doesn’t feel that way, or she wouldn’t be with a guy who literally wants to kill her pers
If you value the friendship, I’d start there. I’d have you and your bf sit her down and tell her how much you love and care for her and only want the best for her but you noticed a few things in how he treats her and how he speaks to her and bring up how he was cruel and abusive towards you when y’all were younger.
Tell her it hurts you to see her get treated that way and disrespected and only want the best for her.
Let her know you’ll support her with whatever decision she makes, but you want her to be treated respectfully and everyone sees that her boyfriend doesn’t do that.
After that the ball is in her court and you’ve said your peace and she’s going to interpret it however she’s going to interpret it. Just be there for her in every capacity you can, even if it means she gets upset and backs away from you for a while, let her know that you’ll always be there for her.
You will not convince her. Just support her, stand up to him when he badmouths her, tell her that he has threatened her animals and offer to keep them for her if you can. When you witness his behavior don’t normalize it. Ask her if she is ok with it. Stay close. Don’t let him isolate her.
As her close friend, have you sat down and asked Alex how she feels about the way she is being treated?
Your friend may be in an emotionally abusive relationship.
To help her, chat with her about then benefits of seeing a therapist and how great it is. Your friend will need to grow, improve her self esteem, and make her own decisions for her life.
You will only alienate her if you tell her t to leave her romantic interest.
Lead her to growth.
For the first two paragraphs I was worried you were dating Steve.
Look I would say approach with caution because it is an abusive relationship and you don’t want him to cut your off from your friend or turn his attention to you. I would just be honest about your past with him but do it casually when you are alone so she understands the extent of the abuse. I would also suggest she talk to a therapist for her issues with Steve or any other that she maybe having so that a professional can help her work through what’s going on and help her leave the relationship.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be a bit of back and forth so just understand that it might not be easy for her to end the relationship finally. Maybe talk with other friends and family but just be careful so you don’t all get cut off (maybe you stay out of it so you are still “friends” with Steve and Alex) so she doesn’t lose her whole support system if Steve starts cutting her friends off.
Questions: when he’s making these rude, disrespectful comments about his girlfriend, what is she doing? What is everyone else doing? Has anyone ever called him out or asked her why she’s with someone that treats her that way? If not, that’s where I personally would start.
You and your boyfriend anybody else who knows Steve and knows about the the way that he treats her should sit her down and have an intervention and then if you’re dealing with somebody within an addiction because that’s what it is even know that she knows this person is not good for her. She just can’t quit that habit. That’s the only thing you can do. And give her your history with Steve what was like growing up with him if you haven’t already. The problem is that he is emotionally and mentally beat her down to a point where she does not think that she’s worthy or worth of being with somebody who would treat her the way that should be treated with love and respect and hopefully you will make her see that she’s in a very unhealthy situation with him. At first day was ready to blast your boyfriend, but he sounds like he may have a genuine concern for Alex which means you’re probably got a good one and a keeper. Good luck.
Suggest that she needs to read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
It will be eye opening for her to see things Steve does that she doesn’t recognize as abusive or controlling. She didn’t cause him to be that way, and she can’t fix him.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If you figure this out please let me know. Me and my wife are in a similar situation except her friend is already married to the guy. He doesn’t work and has spent all of her savings and is just all around unpleasant. My wife does not want to talk to her about it and I haven’t pushed bc the last time her friend was with a bad guy she did speak up and it did not go well. Rather than taking the advice she cut communication with my wife for a couple years and then came back crying and apologizing that she was right the whole time about the guy… my wife assumes that the same thing will happen again if it is brought up. We assume this is also why none of her family has spoken up either, they just keep her living in the house with them and waiting and hoping for her to come to her senses and get on with life… dude is about 40 and still living with his mom. She’s 25