I just learned that my (20f) boyfriend (24m) of 3 months has never done his own laundry, his mom comes over every 2 weeks to do it for him, also to clean his apartment and do his dishes. We both live alone (separately).
He never told me that, I learned it at a family dinner from the woman herself. I understand that he was embarrassed to say it. He also has ADHD. The thing is, we would actually talk about maybe eventually moving in together. Also, of course, sometimes we would chit chat about chores and he never mentioned before that he hasn’t touched a washing machine in his life.
There are two issues here. Firstly, I just feel lied to, or at least deceived. Secondly, I wouldn’t want to live with him, or be a replacement for his mother and have to take care of the things she does. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind cleaning/doing the laundry. But, considering I’m also in charge of cooking/doing groceries for the both of us most of the time at the moment, I feel like that would lead to a very uneven distribution of chores.
What is the right thing to do right now? I understand that we should talk about it. But what should I say? I want to be respectful of his feelings, especially that he’s neurodivergent. Of course I’m not in his head and will never understand exactly how difficult it might be for him to do tasks that seem „basic” to me.
Comments
you’re not dating a boyfriend, you’re inheriting his mom’s job. You need to talk to him now because if he’s not ready to grow up, you’ll be stuck raising a grown man instead of building a life together.
Well for one he hasn’t lied to you about it, just not admitted something that is embarrassing. Instead I think you should try teaching him to do the chores. If he’s unwilling to learn or even try, then its just plain ol laziness and you’d need to have a conversation about that.
Being unable to do something isn’t wrong, even if it is basic. Being unwilling to learn it when you need to? That’s a much bigger issue
It sounds like there’s a deeper issue here that goes beyond just chores. This guy’s been sheltered, and now you’re expected to play the role of a caretaker without him owning up to the responsibility. You need to make it clear that a partnership isn’t about one person constantly taking on more work. His ADHD might explain some of it, but it’s not an excuse to avoid having an honest conversation about your future and expectations.
If you move in together. You will not have a boyfriend anymore. You will have an adult child.
You have to tell him that you don’t want that and thaw he had to start doing all his own chores. Let go chose what is more important to him.
As a person who’s been in a relationship with this type of man for 5 years. You WILL start to resent him if you don’t bring it up now.
My husband’s mom was doing his laundry and cooking for him (like sending him meals so he doesn’t have to cook ever) when he was in college too. He was 100% spoiled. I wasn’t.
When we moved in together, it became quickly clear that I was more of a slob than him. I have been with him for almost 2 decades and having him do chores was never ever an issue. He even cooks more (and better) than me.
All that to say : don’t just assume he is lazy and dump him without having any kind of proof it’s really the case and talking about it with him
Get out now
>> What is the right thing to do right now? I understand that we should talk about it. But what should I say?
I’m not sure a relationship like this of three months is worth saving. He clearly doesn’t have a problem being waited on hand and foot.
This is a personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. I don’t think you were lied to or decieved unless you specifically asked or something? It seems more that you expected something, which may not be the case with someone whose neurodivergent. You also say you don’t want to be a replacement mother but it doesn’t sound like he has said he wanted you to be.
To me it sounds like someone with ADHD, a mother who probably knows her kid needed help, but has probably done a bit too much that the kid never got to do more independent in things like this. And its probably hard for him to change or be upfront with how he feels about telling her no. I actually think its a good sign he’s embarrassed because he knows its off and he should be more independent.
IMO take that info when thinking whether this person is right for you, you have an idea where he is at in life right now and whether that is someone you actually want to take on. If not, thats fine, there is no right or wrong, things need to feel right for you both for it to be right.. But if you do want to go ahead, I think it might be best to be clear, let him know you see yourself being with someone who is independent in things like chores, and you want to know if he’s up to becoming like that, taking charge on this and doing them himself ongoing. If he is then you might want to see if you want to continue. If not you got a better idea on whether he expects you to do it (or that his mum is going to come round to do it for him even if you are together) and here you’d know as well to leave.
But who knows, he might always have wanted to do it himself but keep getting told not to by his mum, and now he has a chance to take charge with his life, it might be really good for him.
He is manchild. RUN.
Man child
Whatever you do don’t get pregnant any time soon.
I hope u are on a long term birth control.
3 months isn’t long enough to deal with annoyances.
Do not date someone who is already exhausting
Leave him or be his mummy bangmaid 💁🏾♀️
Being ND isn’t a free pass to withold information that will severely impact your life. I have autism and was very honest from the start with men about what I can and can’t do. He’s not entitled to hide things then later lump all that onto your shoulders, which WILL happen.
Being ND doesn’t entitle anyone to free domestic labour. I struggle witb everything and force myself to be functional, I don’t just sit there witb autism plastered on my forehead and my hand out.
Seriously, dump him.
Only stupid decision would be to move in with him. You can keep seeing him and see if he gets his shit together. Or break up since it’s not like three months qualifies as an actual investment in a relationship. 🤷♂️
You ask him why he pretended to relate to you when you talked about chores. And see what he says. Ask him if he wants to learn to do those things on his own. Offer to teach him. And see what happens.
If he wants to be independent, he will be. His mom’s help will become unnecessary, and he will let her know that he’s fine without her help.
You will know pretty soon what the longer-term future would look like.
…. oh to be young and have teaching someone the most basic shit ever be such a world ending situation lmfao. Put clothes in wash. Put soap in wash. Medium heat for like 100% of a man’s clothes lol. Don’t blow ur relationship up over such a small thing.
You’ve been together 3 months. Don’t waste more of your time on someone that’s going to turn you into his mother if you move in together.
If you really want to keep this going you need to speak to him and explain to him that adults tend to do their own chores. Given how spoiled he is by his mom, he’ll probably never do a chore or pick up after himself even if you were to live together.
ALSO you may think it’s a minor inconvenience now, but after constantly picking up after someone – doing all the chores around the house including laundry etc you will build up resentment. It may seem like a small thing now but it will become a massive issue should you choose to live together or get married.
Before making any decisions talk to him about your concerns. It’s still early stages so it’s up to you how much effort you feel you want to put into this or how much he’s willing to as well. People with ADHD can learn different strategies to help them clean up, typically at the same time as someone else, gets them in the mood. I have no idea if he’s willing to try things though.
I have ADHD and I do my own laundry. I doubt this is to do with ADHD, it could be but if it is then maybe he should seek a therapist and medication to learn to do it because it’s a life skill that just has to be done.
If he truly can’t do it because of ADHD then he needs to learn to communicate and compromise. For example I have ADHD and it hard to go through papers and things like that. It makes it impossible to put my folded laundry away, but if I fold it I can put it away so my fiance and I do it together now (which also helps me fold it because body doubling lol). I don’t know why my brain breaks when someone else does it. My point is you need to look up how ADHD works and learn about it because I suspect he’s not being 100% honest with you. I feel like this is a case of being a mummy’s boy and he’s being kept so why would he change it? Regardless, he’s not independent.
How lazy can you be? Shame on his mum too for enabling that behaviour.
ADHD is not an excuse for that behaviour at all.
If you’re happy replacing his mum role you be fine. If your not then you have your answer.
He needs to break free from his mom. ADHD is both super power and curse (speaking from my own experience). He also needs to be motivated initially and to be let known that making mistakes is not a big deal ie cooking or laundry no one was born genius.
This is like the scene right out of the water boy.
Was his mom happy about helping him out? I think this makes the biggest difference.
When me and my brother moved out, my mum kept coming over to do our laundry and dishes etc. We didn’t want her to but she insisted mostly because she was lonely (not working while my dad still works full time) and felt like this was the best way to spend her time while also having us as company, so we allowed it.
I now live with my boyfriend and am completely capable of taking care of myself without my mums help or intervention. Same with my brother.
Just food for thought.
Ultimately, what you need to do is have a discussion to understand what his views are on the situation and move from there.
If he’s expecting this behaviour or is incapable of caring for himself, some things would need to change, so you don’t end up having to deal with his mum in your space or you taking over maid duties.
Teach him how to do it. He can learn. Be understanding and patient and supportive. But don’t do it for him.
So as someone that likely has adhd and dyslexia ( found out recently due to coincidences haven’t had time to visit psychiatrist yet, but based on symptoms I am 99 percent sure i have it), this has nothing to do with doing chores, don’t get me wrong it’s pain in the ass i forget what I was doing due to distractions like half the time but I still complete them, having adhd doesn’t mean you are incapable of doing stuff it mainly means you have difficulties grasping them at first and you are easily distracted, it means he will have difficulties remembering how to wash dishes properly or do the laundry in the beggining, not that he can’t do those stuff, due to living alone since 8 grade I can do all those and am very good cook as well based on feedback from others, you only need to be a bit more patient in the process but that’s all it may take him double the time to learn to do it properly, but he can still learn to do it properly, just that process will be difficult, as long as you remember he is not trying to intentionally fuck up but that his brain itself is a bit different in that regard it should be fine
Now what’s important is, why he can’t do them, did his parents baby him too much due to his condition or he is unwilling to learn to do it, if its the first then it’s not a problem if it’s the second however then it’s a problem, having a clear discussion about it is neccery, for example my sister and her husband, he doesn’t have adhd but he sucks at doing chores cleaning specifically, so instead he is mostly responsible for paying bills and doing chores that require physickal strength, she pays half the bills of their home and does the chores, basickally he is more of the wallet of the family and she is the cleaner of the family and that arrangement works well for both, chores can rarely be divided 50/50 for everything what’s important is finding the ballance that works for the relathionship my brother in law is great person and treats he extremely well, he would occasionally give her gifts and constantly takes her out, they have been married for years have 1 child and second on the way and he still does that, basickally while my sister does a lot of the chores he is bad at doing, he does the stuff she doesn’t want to do and let’s her know she is appreciated, she also does that for him, honestly she is pretty much incharge of the household, but the key is communication and not going after each other for every problem as there would definitely be problems, but resolving in mostly convenient way for both of you
Also why your feelings are valid to feel lied to, that’s not how he intended it, he likely thought you would think less of him since he doesn’t know how to do chores, if he didn’t lie to yourface about he did, then it’s not a problem, no one would intentionally mention information that they think would make their partner think less of them, if its not important, haven’t you also had moment when you didn’t mention something because you didn’t know how the opposite person was gonna react and it was likely their reaction would be negative, what’s more you didn’t lie as they didn’t ask, you just didn’t reveal it by yourself untill you were directly ask
Just be mindfully of him being baby and refucing to do anything and using his condition as an excuse, not gonna lie, neurodivergence makes life difficult, but if his parents let him live alone he is not a person uncapable of living by himself, it’s like shortsightedness in a sense, I have that as well, while it makes the world blurry we can navigate it even without glasses we are not completely blind, neurodivergent conditions, the not so serious once at least are the same, it’s like blurry vision not complete blindness
You’re 20. Just don’t move in together.
Thousands of people with ADHD do their own laundry. That is an excuse and a very poor one. If you want it to work out, you can make it a bonding experience teaching him how, but who wants to be anchored down in a relationship like that?
Welp, might consider running
If his mom was helping him keep up, because she knows he needs someone there to body double to do the work, that would be one thing that I think is very understandable as I’m the same way. But it doesn’t sound like she’s coming over to help him, she’s coming over to do it for him.
This man is ok with his mother being responsible for cleaning two houses while he cleans none. Like think about that for a second. He would rather his mother double her work than he do anything for himself. That points to a very selfish person imo. Hes not a teenager, he’s a grown man with bills and responsibilities. Idk i wouldnt be surprised if he tries to go on a campaign of cleaning if you decide to give him a chance. But I promise, as soon as he feels he’s locked you down the cleaning will stop immediately
You don’t need advice from strangers, you already know this guy is a lazy, entitled asshole. Walk away now with your dignity intact.
Okay I hope my message won’t get lost: I’m like that actually. I’m 25, I have 2 women (my mother and my sister) at home, so I never have to cook food or do laundry or wash dishes. I literally do 0 chores. But I do compensate by working and providing them with money.
I was in a 3 year relationship couple years ago. I was very deeply in love and it made me do things I never imagined would do. Like doing chores. I started washing dishes at her home, I was even cooking her food when I wanted to create romantic morning or evening for her and I helped her with cleaning floor and with laundry as well.
After I broke up with her, I don’t do those stuff anymore, because I don’t have a need for them.
Point is, someone not doing chores at home doesn’t necessary mean they’re lazy or incompetent. If love is strong, he will learn to do chores. Maybe after years in marriage you’ll go back to doing most of the chores, but he’ll compensate by working and providing you with rich life.
If love is strong*, I’ll say it again. I don’t know him, I don’t know you. But one thing I know – real love can do anything and you shouldn’t drop someone just because they never had to learn some things in life. You’ll teach him in due time. When that time comes and if he refuses to do chores, then you can say goodbye to him, but before then – it’s too soon. If not doing chores is a red flag for you, you should speak with him about the topic – but don’t say directly, start conversation with something else and then mention it. If it’s a red flag for you – which is very individual – I think that’s the approach you should take. But in any case, actions speak louder than words.
Holy shit, this is a strong NOPE from me. I wouldn’t even consider dating someone so inept at life.
> What is the right thing to do right now?
Break up and only date adults going forward.
> He also has ADHD.
That’s not a viable excuse. Many folks have ADHD and still manage to wash their own laundry and dishes and keep a decently clean home.
Ask him what his plan and timeline are for learning self-sufficiency. Does he see it as a priority or is he going to just keep getting by with using his mom as his personal maid? Does he make enough money to afford an actual maid service?
What you want to see is him taking action to ensure his problem does not become your problem.
Dude AHDH is NOT an excuse to not do basic things. My nephew who’s 21yo and has AHDH, is in school full time, works full time, has time for cooking and doing his own laundry on his day off. Those are basics that a kid learn from mom or dad.
Sit down with him at a time when you’re both in a good place to have a serious chat (not tired, hungry, have the time and energy to talk). Tell him you want to have a conversation about something that your mom mentioned — how she does his laundry, cleaning, etc. Say you realize that maybe she has just been eager to help him and you’re not judging him, but then just ask questions. Why is she doing these things for him, especially considering he lives on his own? Does he want to start doing these things himself? Share your feelings that you value someone being independent and motivated to take care of themselves. It’s definitely very early to be thinking about moving in together, but you could share that down the road, if you were to move in together and become more serious, you would want to be aligned on shared division of household chores.
I think everyone in the comments saying to run is overreacting. I don’t approve of a 20-year-old not doing any chores either, but that’s still fairly young, a lot of mothers get pushy about these things and want to “help,” end up taking away this independence and preventing their sons from learning life skills, and the sons don’t know how to break free yet at this age. You’re also only three months into the relationship and not like on the brink of marriage or a big commitment. The fact that he seems embarrassed is a good sign that maybe he doesn’t want it to be this way, but hasn’t exactly figured out how to change it. So go in with curiosity and without judgement, but do state your feelings about it and maybe offer to help him learn and support him emotionally in taking this over from his mother, if that’s something he needs and you’re up for it. There are also like a million YouTube videos he could watch or his mom could show him — it’s not rocket science. If he doesn’t seem interested or make any progress on this very soon, then yes, it’s a red flag and an indicator that he would likely want/expect you to do his chores and he doesn’t share your values.
Edit: I just re-read your post and saw your reply below about how you’re “in charge” of his grocery shopping and cooking. That is not encouraging honestly that he is not doing that for himself either, and you are totally enabling him by doing it for him. You are creating the exact dynamic you want to avoid!
Often, with men like this, women end up carrying the entire mental and domestic load of the household. He might contribute when he’s asked to do a specific task, but overall, it’ll be on you. It’s already showing up in you doing the cooking and grocery shopping for both of you, at only three months in. You’re already replacing his mother on that front.
If you choose to have kids one day, that’ll be mostly your responsibility, as well. If you’re also working, the totality of that plus the mental load, domestic duties, and child rearing can become overwhelming. I’ve heard of – and experienced – postpartum depression from that overwhelm. All this plus getting up with a newborn all night is unsustainable.
Women often become resentful that their partner doesn’t help. And, these men often minimize the frustrations or say they don’t understand why you’re so mad. It’s a huge load to carry and it takes a toll on a woman and her relationship. It’s exhausting raising a giant man baby. This still rings true of you’re a stay at home wife or mom, because household management and domestic duties are a full time job. In fact, I’ve read that a stay at home mom is actually equivalent to 2.5 full time jobs.
I suspect he wasn’t embarrassed to share his lack of laundry skills with you. He probably just didn’t want you to find out until you were living together and he began laying all that burden on you. This isn’t compromise, it’s an inequitable relationship. I would reconsider how much you do for a man and how much energy you put toward this aspect of a relationship.
ADHD is a lifelong disability and it shows up in hard ways. It does make it harder to complete the mundane, routine tasks like cooking and cleaning. As someone married to someone with adhd, it is absolutely possible to unintentionally become the maid/executive secretary/etc etc while they go off chasing dopamine or get stuck in a depressed rut. It’ll burn you out so fast. It can cause you to lose all respect for your partner. 3 months in, you probably are his dopamine high. It feels really good. I bet he is really awesome to you! Being the object of hyperfocus feels amazing. Then he’ll find another thing to chase. And it’ll depend on him, if he can balance his needs and brain chemistry with your needs and maintaining the relationship.
Is he treating his adhd and maintaining a job and his health? Can he understand that some things need to be prioritized even when his brain literally feels like sludge doing so? What accommodations does he use in his work and life to assist with his adhd? Therapy? Meds? Because it sounds like he’s using mom as a crutch and sure that works great short term. But if he just switches to you, you will feel like his mommy and that’s very very much a mood killer. Adhd doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker but if he’s not treating it, and you move in, you’ll wish his disability was an amputation or being blind and not being a helpless baby. Adhd has it’s superpower moments but it is a disability.
Maybe instead of asking what his plan is when you moved in together, maybe ask “Wow! That’s so nice your mom does that. What happens if your mom breaks her ankle? Are you going to pay a service to come clean and do laundry?” What else does he bring to the table besides his hobbies?
He will never choose you over Mommy 🤣🤣🥱🥱🤢
He’s not grown up enough to be anyone’s boyfriend.
He lied to you. There’s no excuse for this. You already buy all the groceries and cook all the food. That’s not okay. You deserve a real partner.
The right thing to do is, either explain your concerns and set boundaries for when you live together, “I expect complete chore distribution, here are some articles about the mental load, also ask your mom to teach you how to cook and clean before we move in together”, and he accepts that, or he doesn’t. Every person needs to know how to take care of themselves. ADHD is NOT an excuse.
Also, even if he agrees, you would have to mentally prepare to not only do the majority of the dishes and laundry. This guy will also very likely be clueless about:
– Setting up doctor’s appointments for himself; Knowing how to make grocery lists and knowing when to add cleaning supplies/toilet paper/etc.; Choosing and making meal plans; Buying groceries on sale and maintaining a budget; Anything related to future childcare; Properly cleaning and storing seasonal clothes like boots and coats; Packing for trips and planning trips; Taking initiative to change the sheets; Cleaning out the fridge or any kind of non-obvious deep cleaning; May expect you to buy new clothes for him (like replacing socks and underwear). These seem like small things, but they all add up over time and lead to resentment. When a mother decides to stunt her son by doing everything for him, the list of shit that will not be on his radar is endless.
You either help him become a man by setting your own strong boundaries, and see what kind of person he is and how he responds, or you decide that three months is new, and it may be time to move on. Best of luck.
Remember; Life is uncertain. It is in HIS best interest to learn how to care for himself before he takes on the responsibility of caring for the couple.
I think saying neurodivergent is a stretch for ADHD. Usually neurodivergent is for autism. 99% of kids these days have ADHD and iPad/phone disorders. He needs to wake up to reality
Never date or marry a mommas boy. Your life will be miserable.