Please give me some advice! My partner M/33me F26 have had a pretty crazy story of how we become to be and I still have no idea if we work. I knew him briefly when I was younger, then we got back in contact when I was 19 we would talk occasionally on social media but he was so inconsistent, we saw each other a couple times a year, I tried to ask him multiple times why we couldn’t move forward together and never got anywhere other than me being his first girlfriend, I had a traumatic experience when I was 21 and found my dad dead 3 days after a heart attack and had to deal with it all myself while finalising his everything, in that time I went back to an old habit of talking to sugar daddies and at points they’d send me up to 10k meanwhile still occasionally talking to my current partner and even seeing each other, over the next 2 years me and my current partner started talking more frequently and I ended up telling him some of what I had been doing, he went through my phone when I was asleep and found things I hadn’t yet said the night that I told him, we spent the next 2 years fighting crazy and become really toxic at times, throughout this he has never been affectionate to me minus having sex like once a month, yet in those 2 years I’ve found him talking to multiple girls online and paying for web cam girls and watching them multiple times a week, we go away for birthdays and we won’t have sex, yet I found messages on his phone talking about us having a 4some with his best friend and his gf and found a video he had secretly recorded of me while having sex that I think he sent to him and deleted from the messages. I feel like I’m in a cycle and I don’t know what I’m doing can someone tell me if I’m insane thinking he still wants me, he claims to be obsessed and is super jealous of anything and is constantly insecure that I will leave him for another guy yet at the same time he’s happy to be watching other girls and paying them small amounts?
Edit:for current context, it’s my 26th birthday today and we went to an Airbnb for 2 nights and although we spoke and had fun he went to bed and sleep without me both nights and now we’re back at his and he’s asleep again without touching me once
Comments
He’s not obsessed with you, he’s obsessed with controlling you while getting off to everyone else. You deserve better than begging for crumbs from someone who clearly checked out.
Sounds like your both dishonest. You must benefit him in some way though else he wouldnt have stuck around. Perhaps you cover bills or something.
Leave him!
Super toxic. Ditch him.
Girl… nah. This man is not “obsessed,” he’s just controlling and selfish. You’re not crazy—you’re settling. He’s got you in a loop where he gives just enough to keep you guessing, but never enough to make you feel loved. Watching cam girls while ignoring you? Sneaky vids? No affection? On your birthday?? That’s not love, that’s disrespect on repeat. You deserve way better. Time to dip, fr.
Become a cam girl then he will want u. Jk obv. What are you doing? Dump this loser and get 10k from sugar daddies. Come on now. Also maybe send me some sweet sweet sugar daddy money In return for this awesome advice
sad.
He has show you who he really is . Believe him . He doesn’t really love you . Someone who loves you would give you lovin , not string you along with crumbs
Things like this dont get better over time, if he does not change will you be able to live your life this way? would you want to?
Is the bar for a gf seriously this low, damn
Idk feels like he’s using you some way
It seems like you’re having troubles making a decision. My advice is to find yourself. Rather that be while in the relationship or separated is up to you. But you must get a grip on what you truly want in life. If it’s something you guys can talk about & work out, then go for it. If it has been a constant issue then sucks to say but maybe you guys aren’t sexually compatible. Maybe even worse, his mind is in a delusional state. Such as he’s attracted to people he’s never met, better yet never get!
Tbh I would’ve said maybe he’s not the sex type and shows love in other ways, but that doesn’t seem the case as you mentioned cam girls and I’m guessing he watches a lot of porn. In that state of mind he shouldn’t be in a relationship he can’t attend to. Even worse, he shouldn’t be with a person he’s not sexually attracted to. It’s not healthy for either one of you. I’m truly sorry you’re confused & hurt by his treatment. But like I said you must find yourself and what truly works out for you. It’s not a matter of jumping into another relationship with someone else, but rather building up the courage to say NO. No more of this mess that’s wrecking your brain. You sound like you’re better off single as he isn’t taking care of your needs or isn’t capable of doing so. You can have a long talk to him about this and if you still see a future with him then definitely work it out! I’m sure you’re with him because of his amazing traits other than sex. It’s definitely worth trying if you have a great connection other than that but if you look without and find out this isn’t what you’re looking for then you’ll be better off starting new with someone else and that is YOURSELF
Dump him, and imma regain any further comments cause they’d be mean
This merits a really straightforward set of comments:
That said, my opinion?
“Fighting like crazy and become really toxic at times.” If you are in a place materially to be single, you should do that. It sounds like you aren’t in a space where you are growing and haven’t been for some time. That’s a normal response after experiencing trauma, but I’ve been there too, getting entrenched in that pattern with someone who understands your pain and feels safe…. but they’re not OK either, and now you’re just hurting each other.
It sounds like you know what to do on this. You deserve to be happy and well. Go see a therapist and find ways to treat your trauma. Find spaces where you can grow
There’s less pressure on men with porn/camgirls than there is with real life sex. But even if that’s true for him, you need more affection than he can provide you with at the moment, which probably stems from issues with his own upbringing.
He is unlikely to change and trying to make him change won’t work beyond the short term so it’s probably a waste of time and mental energy hoping that he will. So you have only two real choices, either accept him the way he is or walk away.
Okay, I’m probably going to get criticized for even saying this but is there a chance that he could be, without knowing it or saying it out loud even homosexual? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but he is kind of showing the signs of being closeted even from himself.
First: happy birthday
Second: you’re in a loveless relationship where neither your emotional or physical needs are being met. I would question why it is you’ve remained with him this long when there’s something in your mind that knows this clearly isn’t working. His jealous actions and insecurity feels it’s more about control than actually treating you right. It is not a healthy or functioning relationship. I get a strong impression that your boyfriend does not love you.
Lastly, judging from your post, you’ve had a history of questionable online relationships. Perhaps stemmed from a traumatic experience. I wonder if that trauma has fully resolved, if you’ve been allowed to properly process things. If there isn’t anything more deep rooted there. That is something you might want to seriously consider therapy about, and potentially take a break from relationships until you’re in a better space for them.