I love my boyfriend(32m) more than anything. The only thing I(30f) want to do is make him happy. We have been together over two years and are pretty happy with our relationship. Only real problem is when he gets home.
Some key points
We both work 40 hours. Our jobs are more mentally demanding than physical.
We have kids with other people and have 50/50 custody. So we do get alone time.
We don’t really have friends and find most people to be exhausting or not matching our moral values.
He won’t do therapy and SSRIs don’t work for him.
He doesn’t have any interest in hobbies.
He comes home and is in a bad mood as soon as he steps on to the porch. Something will need done or someone has already annoyed him, possibly one of the kids. He becomes so easily frustrated that I’ll even stop myself from trying to ask him anything because it might set him off. He isn’t mean to me or anything but will just continue to get irritated. We’ve both worked so hard for what we have and I’m proud of it in comparison to where we were. It sucks to feel like it’s not enough for him. Our living situation isn’t ideal, small house, but we know it’s temporary. He isn’t only irritated when the kids are here, sometimes it’s when it’s just us too. It hurts to see him so miserable because I love him but it also makes me really uncomfortable sometimes to be home. We’ve talked about it but he puts in a fake smile for a while and then it fades back to normal. It hurts to feel like I’m not enough for him to be happy to come home too. Like all the negative of everything else matters more. Being happy to come home to me is trumped by vacuuming, children wanting snacks, and having to do dishes..
What do I do?
TL;DR; boyfriend is miserable being at home. Seems like our life isn’t enough. What do I do?
Comments
If he won’t do therapy or explore with a psychiatrist a proper regiment for SSRIs then it sounds like he isn’t actually motivated to explore all his options. This is him making a conscious choice not to get better.
Do with that what you will.
Is he open to non-SSRI options? Has he tried more than one medication?
If he won’t do therapy (why?) will he do a workbook on his own? There are great ones for CBT, DBT, narrative therapy, and more.
How do you build up your own sense of self? I ask because if his happiness is your greatest goal, that doesn’t sound right or healthy to me.
Our job as women (or human beings) is not to make our partners happy.
You sound too invested in contorting yourself around his moods and needs. He needs to take more responsibility for managing his emotions. (There’s a famous quote by a neurologist, and I reminded myself of this a lot:
“Take responsibility for the energy you bring into any space.”)
Can’t tell you what to do, but I encourage you to take care of yourself and to communicate with him, compassionately, about the impact his behavior has on you .