Hi all! My boyfriend (19) and I (18) have been dating for almost a year and a half. I met his parents around three months in, and the thing is… that his mother has absolutely adored me since, but his dad feels the complete opposite about me.
The first time I officially met his dad was during a small family dinner consisting of his mom, dad, uncle, cousin, my bf, and me. To be clear, I’m Viet, my bf is Chinese, and his dad can’t speak a lot of English, only like a simple hello. It was an awkward dinner, as his family was talking in Chinese to each other the whole time, and the only people who spoke to me were my boyfriend and his mom. From then on, I would say hi to his dad whenever I came over, and he would simply wave me off without even looking my way.
After which I had brought up the concern to my bf that I felt like his dad didn’t really like me, and my bf had confirmed my suspicions. During the dinner, his dad had been talking to his cousin, saying his ex-girlfriend was better than me because at least she was Chinese and could speak/understand what they were saying. I guess I felt weirdly embarrassed or ashamed that he was saying that right in front of me, and I was just smiling with no clue the whole time?
Additionally, my bf’s older brother also has a gf whom he’s been dating for a few months, and my bf’s dad really likes her. I do talk to her every so often, and the last time I spoke to her, the topic of my bf’s dad was brought up. She told me she had talked to my bf’s mom, who told her that it was because of a Chinese superstition of how my mouth looks? apparently Chinese culture, if you smile wide it’s considered bad luck.
I thought that if I could prove myself a little more could get a little more acceptance. I graduated top 10%, had a part-time job, got into my dream UC for biology, brought over homemade food, tried smiling less wide??
• My bf does always stand up for me, but he isn’t very close with his dad, and tells me to ignore him, but I still feel uncomfortable around his dad.
Should I really just pay no attention to his dad’s disregard for me?
I know this may not sound very serious, and we’re still young, but I just don’t know what I should be doing?
Comments
It’s all down to you and your boyfriend. If he thinks you’re the one and viceversa eventually they will make terms with it. It’s your lives not theirs. I’m sick of parents in this generation feeling entitled to controlling their kids lives.
>Should I really just pay no attention to his dad’s disregard for me?
Yes, this is what you should do. Trust your boyfriend to handle his parents. You don’t need to be rude or anything, but also you don’t need to be polite.
Trust your relationship and trust your boyfriend. At the end of the day you’re decision is what will matter.
Love and respect are languages that transcend all cultural barriers. You can’t dial down your smile to fit someone’s obscure beliefs. Celebrate your achievements and continue being you. Dad will come around or he won’t, but don’t lose yourself trying to win approval.
Focus on the positivity your boyfriend and his mom bring. His father’s opinions don’t define your worth. Happiness > Superstitions
Your bf is sticking up for you. That is important. His mom likes you. His dad is going off of some stupidstifion.
Sometimes lyrics capture things
Some people are just going to hate you
No matter what you do
So don’t waste your time trying to change their mind
Just be a better you
You’re 18… you’re not getting married any time soon. Just enjoy the good parts of the relationship. What will happen will happen.
learning a bit of Chinese to communicate with the dad will go a long way into the father finally accepting you.
Enjoy your time with your bf and don’t worry about the dad’s feelings. He formed an immediate opinion of you based on very little. If he’s unwilling to change his opinion regardless of how his son & wife feel about you, that’s a him problem, not a you problem. Be friendly but don’t be obsequious.
I think main thing to focus on is your relationship with your bf. If he’s not close to his dad, it actually makes all of this easier because your bf will be less likely to yield to social pressure from his dad. Good sign that his mum likes you because you have an ally there if things get more serious between you.
You be your wonderful self. You can’t make someone like you if they’re close minded. If you think there is a chance for change learn some mandarin, familiarity and effort show you are attempting to be respectful and even if he doesn’t warm up, knowing Chinese is a smart thing nowadays!
My parents were like that with any girl I dated, unless they were from the same ethnicity. So I always made it clear to the girl that if I had to choose it would be her. It wasn’t always a comfort as any woman wants a good relationship with their future in-laws, but the way I see it I’m the one who’s going to live with them forever so I’ve got more to lose than my parents.
If your bf is serious then he needs to be clear with his father and be prepared to break his heart if needed. Otherwise he’s wasting your time.
I’ve been with my now fiancé for 14 years. Her parents are Portuguese, with both speaking little English, the dad even less than mom. While I have tried to learn their language, I still can’t have fluent conversations with either of them
I went through the trouble of learning how to ask for their blessing, on their language, to marry their daughter. Her mom was so happy but Dad was watching T.V. and couldn’t give a ratass.
Today, I still can’t speak Portuguese and they still can’t speak fluently in English, but I’m marrying their daughter, not either or both of them. What matters is how you two feel about one another. His dad might change his mind, he might not. Don’t let someone else’s hang ups stop you from caring about someone.
Wish you and your BF the best of luck.
You will be alive for 60+ more years. You can spend those years trying to make people like you – people you cannot control – or you can spend them being a good person and being happy with yourself. You cannot do both.
If he doesn’t like his son’s partner, who does well in school and who is kind and considerate enough to think about this, that is outside of your control.
Let go of that which you cannot control.
It may not necessarily really be he dislikes you, it’s just he finds it hard as you can’t communicate with each other.
Maybe in time you’ll learn a few words and phrases. Could always ask your boyfriend to teach you a bit of Chinese to speak to his dad. Like hey, how are you? That kind of thing. That would probably impress him that you took the time to learn for him and then he may appreciate you more.
But if he doesn’t, don’t mind. His son likes you and that’s all that matters really.
End of the it doesn’t matter. The relationship with your BF is what matters. I’ve been married for 20 years and that old witch hag MIL never liked me, she even had a spell put on me to divorce. But my wife and I are not going anywhere, so it’s his problem to deal with. Nothing you do will change his feelings about you!