Hello everyone. I (18F) and my boyfriend (18M), have been dating for a couple of months now. I realize that that’s not a particularly long time but I’m starting to see some warning signs in his relationship with his mom.
To start, he doesn’t live with her and hasn’t for a couple of years now for reasons irrelevant to this. He has lived with his aunt and grandma. Ever since he moved out, his mom has hated his aunt and grandma for “taking him away from her” and has wanted to talk to him an unhealthy amount. I mean she blows up his phone daily with countless text messages and calls like a crazy ex.
Whenever we started dating, things with her were perfectly normal. I mean honestly I only met her once at our high school graduation two months ago, but she seemed to like me and show interest in my life… like asking him about me whenever they met up. However, he recently turned 18 and now isn’t obligated to spend time with her anymore as she isn’t his legal guardian… and she’s changed her tune about me apparently… grouping me in with “the other two” (his aunt and grandma) that are keeping him away from her. She’s also said that we spend too much time together… time that he could have been “spending with her instead”.
As of right now, this isn’t an issue and she hasn’t started being toxic towards me or anything. But I have a feeling that in the future she’s going to be more forward with her jealousy. Like he’s directly communicated boundaries regarding how he’s uncomfortable when she cries and tries to guilt trip him to come back to her, but she doesn’t respect the boundaries he’s tried to set in place whatsoever. I trust my boyfriend and know that he’d step in if she does anything that hurts me, but he doesn’t seem to realize that her constant disrespect of his boundaries is unhealthy to have in his life. Is there anything I can do to maybe help him understand how toxic his relationship with his mom is? He says he loves her and is hoping she’ll change one of these days, but also admits he’s getting tired of her and exhausted of having to cater to her.
TLDR; is there a way I can help my boyfriend realize how unhealthy having his mom in his life is?
Comments
Encourage your boyfriend to talk to a school counselor if he’s still in school. He needs some boundaries and to know he doesn’t have to cater to his mom
Hes not enforcing his boundary. What is the consequence when she breaks the boundary? Because it seems like nothing… He needs to have a specific consequence and clearly explain that. Like “mom if you start crying or guilt tripping me, i will hang up and no longer respond to calls.”
or “Mom, if you continue to speak poorly of my grandma/girlfriend/aunt, i will no longer speak to you or spend time with you at all, and you will lose having a relationship with your son.”
and then next time she breaks said boundary he needs to do what he said and stick to it, whatever that is.
if she knows there are zero consequences for the way she acts and speaks, why change?
I think your boyfriend needs to be talking to a therapist, or someone who could really help him navigate this.
I wouldn’t expect an 18 year old to be able to enforce these sort of boundaries with his own mother. I can imagine this is really difficult for him.