I’m 25, my boyfriend is 23. We’ve been together for a little over 4 months. He’s a wrestler, dreaming of performing in WWE abroad. I’m an office manager at a car service, covered in tattoos, creative, and independent. We felt a spark instantly — just 4 days after meeting, he moved in with me.
We thought it would be a good idea to meet his mom. Big mistake.
She stayed in the city where we live for 3 days, and at first everything seemed fine — the only odd thing was her telling me what I “shouldn’t buy,” which was strange, because it’s my money and my choice. But after she left, everything changed dramatically.
She started calling me “ugly,” “too old” (I’m only 2 years older), a “junkie,” and a “prostitute” — none of which is true. She says I’m “not on his level” and keeps pushing him toward another girl from a wealthy family who, according to her, “fits better” and is already interested in him. That girl even messaged him saying they should “give it a try,” that she would be a “good wife” and he would be “the head of the family.”
His mom told him that if he stays with me, he’ll be poor, lose his inheritance, and that their family will never accept me. She’s spreading lies that some acquaintance slept with me, and doing everything she can to break us up. At the same time, she’s trying to turn him into someone fully dependent on others — so he doesn’t work or earn on his own, but just chases his dream at other people’s expense.
What hurt me most was that he stayed silent when she insulted me. I understand he’s very close to his mom and doesn’t want to fight, but it made me wonder if he agreed with her. I wanted to build OUR life together — not fight for approval in someone else’s family.
And all of this after she knew me for only 3 days. Her manipulation is breaking him down mentally and damaging my self-esteem.
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I think you’ve learned your boyfriend is a mamas boy. You need to let him go and find someone more compatible with you. He’s never going to defend you to her.
You have just seen into the future with your boyfriend and his mom. If he lets her treat you like that and stands beside silently from the beginning, she will never ever leave you alone and treat you with respect even from afar.
At this point it’s your decision if you want to post here regularly to vent about your horrible MIL and your boyfriend later husband problem or move on. You clearly and absolutely deserve better.
Wooo. Okay. Give it to you straight.
You had a complete stranger move in with you because of “sparks.”
You have known him for 4 months.
He won’t stand up for you at all. Not even to shut down his mom or a girl that’s chasing after him.
This relationship won’t last if he doesn’t do the bare minimum and stand up for himself or you.
Protect your peace and no longer have anything to do with the woman until she apologizes. And see what he says and does.
Actions speak louder than words.
Why isn’t your boyfriend shutting her down?!??!
You have a boyfriend problem. He needs to deal with his mother.
You moved a guy in after 4 days?? His mom is not the only crazy one.
Give it to you straight? Okay then: kick his ass out of your house and get all the keys back. Better yet change the locks.
He didn’t stand up for you and he’s never going to
There’s so much I want to ask about his behaviour since but I’ll be honest I don’t see this relationship surviving. Between your ages, the short amount of time you guys have known each other and how aggressively his mother is going after you, I think he’ll be the one to end it. I wouldn’t have dealt with this drama at 23 or 25. I wouldn’t even deal with it now. You guys probably have amazing chemistry and a great relationship but with so little time together it might just be too much stress too soon. If it’s not and you guys want to work together through this then you need to talk about boundaries and what to do in the future. He needs to take control of this situation with his mother. He should talk to her and tell her that her behaviour is disgusting and he will no longer be talking to/ seeing her until she has cleared up any and all rumours she’s started about you, told that girl to fuck off and given you a sincere apology. Anything less than that and he remains no contact. She will not stop with this mission she has to get rid of you. She will keep manipulating him until you go no contact or break up. Her behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud before he’s 38 and still single because his mother hates every woman he’s brought to meet her
Change the locks and have friends over. Pack up all his stuff. When he gets back, give him his stuff and tell him that you’re done with him because of how he responded (aka didn’t respond) to his mother’s lies and abuse.
Tell him that you respect yourself too much to stay with someone who doesn’t stand up for you. And that you don’t see a future with someone who lets his mother act like that and control his life. Tell him that she wins. She can have him. That you hope he figures shit out.
And then tell him to get out of your home. Call the cops if he won’t go.
Cut your losses now. He’s not ready. This is a very familiar pattern here in this sub. This is going to be a nonstop drama fest, with your SO confused, feeling “caught in the middle” between two women, not knowing what to do, his mother will continue to try and wedge her way in to keep control….and it may not end up going your way.
If he did not intervene and quickly shut down her toxic, dramatic behaviors — leaving you to deal with HIS mother on your own and not knowing how to handle this —- then he’s not ready for an adult relationship. You will end up having to reparent him until, and if, he starts seeing that this isn’t normal. My advice is for you to let him go and find someone who has already done the work to be a good partner, but, I, personally, don’t enjoy hysterical drama people in my life, and I am not attracted to passive men who habitually lie down to be a flatter doormat so ymmv. Love has no sense sometimes.
If you stay, it will be a long, dramatic, toxic spew filled slog, and he needs therapy to get beyond this dysfunctional family of origin. If you continue with him, just know that you will not have peace in your life until she is out of it. She will not change, and he thinks this is normal, so you are going to have to be the squeaky wheel. She’s going to manipulate him with every trick she has — FOG — Fear, Obligation and Guilt — to keep control.
Advice if you choose to go down this long road— read up on boundaries. Have a “relationship” book and video club with him where you read related relationship books together and/or watch vids together and discuss them together so he can start seeing these toxic patterns for himself and you guys can formulate healthier responses. There are many good recs in the sidebar here; here are some of my personal faves.
Resources—
Books:
—Set Boundaries, Find Peace https://www.nedratawwab.com/set-boundaries-find-peace. (Good book to set the norm for healthy family boundaries)
—When He’s Married To Mom https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/books/when-hes-married-to-mom/
(This will be your life for the next few years, so I’d consider this one to see what you are in for)
Videos: Dr. Jerry Wise, Patrick Teahan, Dr. Ramani
Highly, highly recommend this website. Just look around, visit the forum, look at their toolbox, see what resonates with you. It will help you put words to the behavior you are observing and give tips for dealing. https://outofthefog.website
Good luck if you decide to try for the long haul and bring him out of the FOG! You’ll need luck, a hard shell and a spine of steel. Get ready for drama drama drama. She won’t go off quietly, I guarantee it.
Regardless, Buckle up, it’s going to be bumpy ride.
Leave now keep your peace
>What hurt me most was that he stayed silent when she insulted me. I understand he’s very close to his mom and doesn’t want to fight, but it made me wonder if he agreed with her.
One easy way to find out is to ask him.
This is why we don’t move in people 4 days after meeting for the first time
u/bot-sleuth-bot
“His mom told him that if he stays with me, he’ll be poor, lose his inheritance, and that their family will never accept me.”
Any parent saying this should be put to immediate NC. Who the fuck are you to make threats?
This man isn’t standing up for you now.
He never will.
Cut your losses and go girl. It’s early, you’re not invested that much. Plenty of dudes out there with sweet mothers, plenty of men out there that would be capable of telling their mother to stuff it should she say anything untoward. Respect yourself. She called you a prostitute.
Without respect, love means nothing.. have a talk and if he doesn’t stand up for you, break up with him…
You could let him go. I know that’s the Reddit answer to everything but hear me out. I was in a similar situation years ago and I chose to stay with him and we divorced after 2 great kids and 26 years of marriage.
My dad told me I could walk away when I wasn’t yet engaged and at one point we broke up.
It was because of her interference. He got sick and was hospitalized (nothing huge just a bad tonsil infection and required IV antibiotics and surgical removal)
His mom actually let me know he was in the hospital and I went to see him out of just feeling badly. We got back together.
JNMIL interfered in all of our decisions until we moved 2 hours away and he set limits.
He was a mamas boy and couldn’t do anything for himself so everything got put onto me until I finally had enough.
As soon as the kids got older the marriage was over.
I love my children but I wish I had met my current husband years ago or that I’d listened to advice to walk away.
Sounds like his mom’s toxic behavior is pushing you away, and he’s not standing up for you. If he’s more concerned with pleasing his mom than supporting you, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
What you’re experiencing is emotional manipulation, and it’s not your fault. Her behavior is controlling and toxic, and your boyfriend staying silent enables it. You deserve respect and support, not constant insults. Consider setting firm boundaries with her and having an honest conversation with him about how this is affecting you and your relationship.
He stayed silent while she insulted you, your answer is right there.
Is he worth the trouble? Is he the One? If not, just let him go. All of us on this sub are people who are going through the trenches because we married into the MIL mess. So if you’re not yet married, you need to think about what YOU want. Who is he to you? From the sounds of it…he’s not the One.
If he doesn’t stick up for you (he still has a chance to talk to her) he needs let her know that her behavior is inexcusable. She needs to apologize.
If he won’t do that let the other woman have him. MIL will end up hating her too.
Girl, respect yourself! If your SO won’t stand up for you, GO. SCOOT. Run like the wind and dont look back.
Life is short. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
He needs to grow up. Flat out. He needs to either leave you, or fight for you. No just standing there.
He stayed silent with her abusing you. Kick him out
This sounds stressful. But be careful. My boyfriend was great at setting boundaries with his pushy mother who didn’t like me and so we went forward. Got married. Been together almost 30 years! She’s been a gd pain in the ass the entire time. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have signed up for that. She’s old and now we have to take some care of her. My husband still has boundaries but defending them is exhausting.
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He showed you really early who he is. Believe him !
Run. Trust me. Not worth the hassle, and the nasty bitter ones live FOREVER.