Hi everyone
I really need advice because I’m struggling with this in my relationship.
I (22F) have a boyfriend (25M) who always seems to want sex. His sex drive is way higher than mine and I end up turning him down most of the time because I’m just not in the mood as often.
The issue is when I try to slowly or gently turn him down he often gets upset or reacts negatively. Sometimes he turns away from me sometimes he makes me feel like I’m neglecting him. Last night it got to a point where I almost cried because he was trying to initiate and I really wasn’t feeling it but I didn’t know how to tell him that without it blowing up.
I love him and I don’t want him to feel rejected, but I also feel really uncomfortable when it feels like sex is expected of me every time. I want to be close to him in other ways too but I’m starting to feel guilty and pressured whenever I say no.
How do I communicate this without hurting him, and how do we find a balance when our sex drives are so mismatched? Has anyone been through something like this?
Comments
Outside of the moments you need to set down clear expectations
“When I say X I mean it, if I don’t then maybe I’ll warm up to it. You need to knock off the guilt trips or this isn’t going to work.”
How often are you having sex? If you’re only interested say once every other week then this isn’t likely to end well.
Recommend he takes care of himself and don’t be upset that he does.
Are there ways you would be more likely to want to participate? If so clearly state that to him.
Best way to try and sort this out is to sit and talk about it in detail. Tell him how you feel, the sort of person you are, as he cannot read your mind or understand your rejections, if you can call it that. If he still does not understand you, then maybe you are not right for one another. Goodluck🙂
It is crucial that you both understand that rejection is not personal. This is a difference in sexual desire, not a lack of love or attraction to your partner.
It’s a tough conversation but it is one that needs to be had. And as someone who has been in his shoes before, its always tough to here. Unless you guys open the relationship up or you perform oral on him to supplement the sex; there’s really nothing you can do because you can’t just force yourself to have sex to appease your partner; its not you nor in the DNA.
You need to sit down and have a frank and open conversation about how this makes you feel.
its clear as day that you need to set boundaries.
you are not ignoring or neglect him because youre not in the mood, youre not a god damn fleshlight.
its time for a real talk. be honest how you feel and set boundaries
communicate this, if he doesn’t respect it he’s not the right person, intimacy must be a moment of pleasure and fun, he shouldn’t insist or make you feel guilty!
I have found over many decades of my own life experience that there is a very big difference between libido, on the one hand, and a desire to be physically intimate with a partner, on the other.
It’s very possible for a person to have a very high sex drive and yet, if for some reason, they don’t feel comfortable about their partner, if they feel maybe disrespected by their partner or if they’ve had arguments with their partner that have not been resolved, then no matter how high the sex drive is, the person is probably not going to want to be physically intimate.
At the same time, it’s completely possible for a person to have a low or moderate sex drive… and if their partner treats them gently, with respect, is kind to them, is supportive of them, and makes them feel like they are loved and cherished, then that partner will want to be physically intimate, even though their libido is not as high.
The other very important dynamic here, again in my personal experience, is that when there is an expectation of sex, when there is pressure of any kind for physical intimacy, then sex almost never happens. And it doesn’t matter which partner is exerting that pressure.
I’m wondering if you have any thoughts about that?
Thank you.
Info: how long is your relationship at this point? Do you enjoy sex with him/reach orgasm? How many times a week is he initiating? (Not trying to be gross, my advice hinges on this.) Does he have a history of trauma?
General advice without that info: the next time you guys are randomly hanging out and the mood is not too heavy, have a conversation with him. “Listen, I know you have needs. We all have needs. My needs don’t sync up with yours apparently. I’m more comfortable having intimacy x times a week, but I’m literally always down for cuddles! Sometimes non-sexual physical contact is actually really pleasurable to me. But, I only bring this up because I’m starting to feel pressured when you try to initiate but I’m not in the mood. I promise I’m not trying to hurt your feelings by rejecting you. But, would you really want to have sex with me if I’m not into it? That seems like a worse rejection to me.”
My fiancé and I actually had the opposite problem when we first started dating, my drive was higher than his. It took me several years of therapy before I was able to face that I was using sex as a coping mechanism for my trauma and a way to feel secure in the relationship. Because I was probably a lot like your boyfriend is with you, my feelings were sooo hurt when he rejected me, because my worth was tied up in that & my security in our relationship. It felt like he was rejecting me as a person, not just having sex with me. I cried a lot. I was frustrated. We also had a lot of conversations about how selfish he was being in the bedroom (no foreplay, literally getting off and falling asleep within 5 minutes.) Now, I’d say we’re pretty evenly matched. On a good week, it’s probably like 3-4 times a week. Sometimes we’ll go 3 weeks or 3 months without it, if we’re going through a really stressful/busy period. And I no longer feel like the world is going to crash and burn or that he hates me if he’s not in the mood.
“Because I was probably a lot like your boyfriend is with you, my feelings were sooo hurt when he rejected me, because my worth was tied up in that & my security in our relationship. It felt like he was rejecting me as a person, not just having sex with me. I cried a lot. I was frustrated. We also had a lot of conversations about how selfish he was being in the bedroom (no foreplay, literally getting off and falling asleep within 5 minutes.) Now, I’d say we’re pretty evenly matched. On a good week, it’s probably like 3-4 times a week.“
That’s right there? Sounds exactly like in terms of whenever he’s stressed frustrated tired he would try to use that as a comfort zone or a relaxing zone however to answer the question you asked we go at it like two times and if he really stresses it, we will go three times per week. We have been together for six years. Do I enjoy it? Yes I do on a good day when I really wanted it on a normal day. I find myself doing it just to please him which I know. Is not the right way
Mis-matched sex drives are a big problem.
This will not end well. Time to find a new low sex guy.