My FMIL and I (23f) were super close until I got engaged to her oldest son (25m) last September. I have been with him since 2020, so I’ve known the family since I was a 18. Since then, I’ve basically seen a total 180 in her behavior toward me. She’s blamed me for her daughter’s panic attacks (which we later found out from the sister were actually caused by the mother), lied to/about my fiancé and hid his sister’s engagement from him, talks behind my back, and refuses to have any kind of respectful conversation when conflict comes up. She just explains things away or plays the victim. She has pitted almost every person in the family against each other and sobs about how “no one appreciates her”.
She takes no accountability for her actions, and when I brought up how hurtful it is after finding out yet again that she is making up lies about me, etc. my fiancé defended her with things like, “that’s just how she is” or “I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that.” My fiancé and I rarely have issues that stem from just us two, so once we realized that this was causing issues in our relationship, we discussed how he made me feel and had a productive conversation about what our relationship with his parents will look like going forward, and started marriage counseling. Since then, he’s been more supportive of me and has spoken with his parents and told them that if this behavior continues, we will not be in contact with them going forward. His mother made no effort to reach out or apologize and I have not heard from any member his family since. I can see that he’s making an effort, but I also feel bad because I want him to have a good relationship with his family. He is very forgiving of other people when it comes to being wronged, so there have been times where he doesn’t even see how he’s being manipulated, and once he does, he doesn’t want to rock the boat. I am the complete opposite, and his family dislikes that.
As of May, I have not been in contact with his family due to a plethora of other problems that my FMIL and FSIL have caused in the past few months, but our wedding is in a month and my bridal shower is next week. Both FMIL and FSIL will be there. FSIL (20) just got engaged to a man (24) who is emotionally abusive and makes jokes about hitting her at family dinners. He has made some very disrespectful comments towards me (I’ve never spoken to him aside from “hello”), and when I brought it up, I was dismissed by my FMIL and FFIL, who said “he tries to joke and you just don’t find it funny”. His joke was “you shouldn’t get tattoos, they’re permanent”. My FSIL gave the excuse that “she had him tested online for autism and he just jokes and sometimes he doesn’t understand why people don’t like him”. I’m fully expecting the shower to become about her engagement, as she’s the baby of the family. Now that FSIL is engaged, she wants to copy our wedding details, which is like whatever, but weird, right?? This is a trend with her though, for example, I grew up on a low income farm and my FSIL was raised in the upper middle class suburbs. I wore my cowboy boots over once and now she refuses to wear “regular shoes” because she’s a “cowgirl” and she “loves living off the land”. Am I overreacting or is this strange?
I’m exhausted and anxious to the point of extreme nausea multiple times a day, I’m not sleeping, and I have no appetite. I’ve lost 30 pounds since june just due to the stress I’m having. I really just want advice from anyone who’s navigated something like this. I know I’m on the younger side, so please don’t bash me for that; I’m trying to be as mature about this as I can be. I think I included all the important info! How do I get through the next month without losing my sanity?
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>I’m exhausted and anxious to the point of extreme nausea multiple times a day, I’m not sleeping, and I have no appetite. I’ve lost 30 pounds since june just due to the stress I’m having.
I’m sorry, but this is a very extreme reaction to pretty bland drama. If you’re truly this upset at the idea of seeing them, you need to seek out therapy. If you’re this upset at the idea of seeing them at your shower, how will it be at the actual wedding?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I’m not in a similar situation but I’m freshly postpartum and like your in-laws are affecting your wedding, they affected my pregnancy and postpartum experience very negatively. Only thing I can say is try to ignore them as much as possible. You are feeding their negativity by worrying/talking about it. I know it’s extremely difficult to let it go, but please try to for yourself. This is your wedding, please enjoy! Let them be their negative selves and try to stand above it. Ignore them. What helped for me was realizing it was never about me but people like this are projecting their own insecurities on you. You’re probably never going to do anything good in their opinion because it’s not even about you, but about their own insecurities. I hope you get to enjoy this very special time of your life. Sending solidarity 🤍
Hey I know this is probably not the advice you want but I feel obligated to say it. I know you’ve been stressed and that can affect your health but losing 30 pounds in less than 8 weeks is alarming. Losing more than 10 pounds in 6-12 months unintentionally is usually considered medically concerning.
Please see a doctor and hopefully it’s just stress that the doctor can help you manage. But just in case it’s something else then better to be safe than sorry.
Warn your people. Your mom, sisters, aunts, cousins, friends, your bridal party, whoever they are that you think they are at risk of trying to steal your shine on your day. So as soon as anyone starts up trying to make it about your SIL someone can say, “congratulations SIL! However this is Boring-Suggestion505’s day and we are going to focus on her. SIL will have her day and I’m sure
it will be great”. Or if they are a lot more aggressive about it like also trying to let SIL wear a “future Mrs” sash they can come in and say absolutely not. You should only be worried about enjoying yourself at your shower and mainly your bridal party is there to protect you.
It’s not on the same level as you but I have some examples from my bridal and baby shower with my MIL. When everyone was at the venue setting up, my fiance had me out of the house trying to distract me because we lived with my mom at the time (and it would have been a complete change in her schedule her going out somewhere on the weekend because she worked and usually stayed home). Well I find out later while everyone is in the middle of setting up, my MIL said she was going to call us and “see what we were up to”. She’s an absolute shit secret keeper for that reason and she has a history of doing things before surprises thinking she’s not being obvious. My sister told her no, don’t do it because then she’s going to hear all of us in the background and then if my MIL stepped away where I couldn’t hear then she wouldn’t be helping. She tried telling my sister “oh they’re used to me calling it’ll be fine” and my sister stood her ground and said no because she knew that was a lie because she knew that my now husband ignores 90% of her calls. Also my husband would have gotten agitated at her calling and I would have known something was up. Then for my baby shower my MIL tried taking over the entire thing not considering what I would like and that my style is not the same as hers. She desperately wanted to have a girl and do all the pink and frilly things where my only rule for my baby shower was I didn’t want all pink. Blue is my favorite color and I prefer purple over pink. My favorite flower is a sunflower and my daughters middle name is Rose so my sister said let’s to like a wildflower theme so it’s girly but not over the top girly. I loved the idea! I was not involved with planning other than her running the theme by me and what food I would want and the day and location. His family hated that it wasn’t going to be a surprise. But we had just moved into our house so like I wanted warning before all these gifts were going to be coming to my house. My MIL didn’t like the wildflower theme idea and said “it didn’t make sense” and started just buying decor she chose and liked that I would not have liked. Then my MIL started turning her family against my sister because my sister was standing her ground again. I didn’t get my baby shower because my baby was born premature by I’ve had a grudge against my MIL since because since finding out I was pregnant she keeps making things about her and what she wants.
When it’s stuff like this your bridal party and anyone else like your other friends and family should step in and protect you. Protecting your peace in my opinion one of the big responsibilities for your MOH.