Hi everyone. I need advice.
My brother (40) is living with me and my mom, and he’s severely mentally unwell. It’s been getting worse over the years and it’s becoming unbearable. One ongoing issue is this massive Tibetan Mastiff he keeps bringing over — a huge dog that barks constantly. He refuses to explain where she came from, why she’s here, or when she’s leaving. All we know is she supposedly belongs to his “friend” Joe (someone we’ve never met), and this has been going on for over five years. The dog comes and goes at random and creates chaos every time.
To make things worse, we already have our own dog — and the two do not get along at all. My brother acts like we’re the crazy ones for not wanting this extra, untrained dog around. The Mastiff is wildly protective of her food, poorly trained, and barks non-stop. It’s stressful, unsafe, and feels totally out of our control.
But the dog is just one piece of a much bigger problem.
He’s emotionally and mentally abusive. He lurks around the house, has tried installing cameras while he was gonna be away on vacation to ‘watch me?’ has destroyed my room during outbursts, and accuses me of completely made-up things.
Hes even gone so far to think ‘ops’ were following him. He even dragged my mom to a Starbucks once to “prove” that secret operatives were following him — and pointed out our neighbor as evidence. It’s scary and feels like he’s losing touch with reality.
He also smokes a massive amount of weed daily, and I honestly believe it’s worsening his psychosis or paranoia. His grip on reality seems to erode more the more he uses.
He’s ruined every single holiday for years — birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas — by starting fights, throwing tantrums, or just being impossible to be around. The tension in our home is nonstop.
Even though we barely speak to him, he still blames us for all his problems. His room is packed with junk — stolen items and things he’s picked up from the trash. The backyard used to be a literal wasteland (just gravel and garbage). For five years, he claimed it was “his project” but never did anything. So my mom and I finally cleaned it up and made a small vegetable garden. Now he’s furious, claiming we “ruined” it.
No one wants to come to our house anymore. He has a criminal record (theft and more I won’t get into here), and his presence makes everyone uncomfortable. It’s like living in a pressure cooker.
Here’s the hard part: I don’t have the money to move out right now, i dont believe he does either (although he has two cars) and I don’t want to leave my mom alone with him. We both feel trapped.
Also to add food for thought – hes a ‘preparer’ and has massive amounts of canned food/supplies in random rooms around my house, items reaching the ceiling thats how much of a hoarder situation its become.
So my question is: What can my mom do — legally or otherwise — to either get him help or get him to move out? We’re emotionally exhausted, scared, and running out of options. If you’ve been through something similar or have resources or advice, please share.
Thank you so much for reading.
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Hi everyone. I need advice.
My brother (40) is living with me and my mom, and he’s severely mentally unwell. It’s been getting worse over the years and it’s becoming unbearable. One ongoing issue is this massive Tibetan Mastiff he keeps bringing over — a huge dog that barks constantly. He refuses to explain where she came from, why she’s here, or when she’s leaving. All we know is she supposedly belongs to his “friend” Joe (someone we’ve never met), and this has been going on for over five years. The dog comes and goes at random and creates chaos every time.
To make things worse, we already have our own dog — and the two do not get along at all. My brother acts like we’re the crazy ones for not wanting this extra, untrained dog around. The Mastiff is wildly protective of her food, poorly trained, and barks non-stop. It’s stressful, unsafe, and feels totally out of our control.
But the dog is just one piece of a much bigger problem.
He’s emotionally and mentally abusive. He lurks around the house, has tried installing cameras while he was gonna be away on vacation to ‘watch me?’ has destroyed my room during outbursts, and accuses me of completely made-up things.
Hes even gone so far to think ‘ops’ were following him. He even dragged my mom to a Starbucks once to “prove” that secret operatives were following him — and pointed out our neighbor as evidence. It’s scary and feels like he’s losing touch with reality.
He also smokes a massive amount of weed daily, and I honestly believe it’s worsening his psychosis or paranoia. His grip on reality seems to erode more the more he uses.
He’s ruined every single holiday for years — birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas — by starting fights, throwing tantrums, or just being impossible to be around. The tension in our home is nonstop.
Even though we barely speak to him, he still blames us for all his problems. His room is packed with junk — stolen items and things he’s picked up from the trash. The backyard used to be a literal wasteland (just gravel and garbage). For five years, he claimed it was “his project” but never did anything. So my mom and I finally cleaned it up and made a small vegetable garden. Now he’s furious, claiming we “ruined” it.
No one wants to come to our house anymore. He has a criminal record (theft and more I won’t get into here), and his presence makes everyone uncomfortable. It’s like living in a pressure cooker.
Here’s the hard part: I don’t have the money to move out right now, i dont believe he does either (although he has two cars) and I don’t want to leave my mom alone with him. We both feel trapped.
Also to add food for thought – hes a ‘preparer’ and has massive amounts of canned food/supplies in random rooms around my house, items reaching the ceiling thats how much of a hoarder situation its become.
So my question is: What can my mom do — legally or otherwise — to either get him help or get him to move out? We’re emotionally exhausted, scared, and running out of options. If you’ve been through something similar or have resources or advice, please share.
Thank you so much for reading.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Im so sorry you’re in this situation OP, your brother sounds incredibly unwell and should both be institutionalized and on medication. Next time he’s throwing a tantrum call the cops/psych ward, and detail w proof of all past incidents. Best of luck to you
I don’t know what to say , sorry to hear about your problem . I want to come back and see what more experienced people say.
Remindme! 2 days
that sounds so overwhelming. You and your mom shouldn’t have to live like that,I hope you can find support or legal help to protect yourselves
Mom should just say she’s moving to a one bedroom apt so she doesn’t have to worry about taking care of such a large home anymore.
He’ll be forced to find a place, you can move out and not worry about your mom being stuck alone with him.
Have him committed to get the weed situation under control. He’s unstable.
I’d see about secretly selling up/planning to move without his knowledge, then get him committed on a 48 hour psych hold and get the hell out of dodge while he’s locked up.
But I’m a not a nice person I’m sure other people might have less drastic ideas but life is too short to deal with other peoples self inflicted shit even if they are related to you.
Can she have him evicted? I don’t know if you live in the US so I don’t know the law is like where you’re at.
He sounds schizophrenic. You need to call Adult Protective Services.
He needs to be evaluated in an inpatient facility! Then begin the legal eviction process. Consider moving into a condo with no backyard.
Next time he has an episode call an ambulance and the police and tell them everything. When they take him to the hospital, call the hospital and let them know he cannot come back because he is not safe to be alone and you and your mother cannot care for him. Good luck.
Your mom could find out the eviction laws in your town or city and evict him. She will need to serve him formal notice and go through with it.
Call the police, he needs to be brought to the hospital. Follow all recommendations from doctors or police
He sounds like he’s developing schizoaffective disorder, often brought on or exacerbated by excessive marijuana use.
It’s a crazy illness in that the person with it doesn’t believe they are sick, so they will refuse help. In the US the laws favor the patient so you can’t force them to get help; but you can seek an involuntarily psych hold. That will remove him from the house and he will be hospitalized for observation and a diagnosis.
Your mother will have to evict him to truly remove him from the house.
Your local police may have a department or team dedicated to dealing with mental health issues. They would be a great resource for how to proceed.
Good luck.
Updateme
OP, I have gone through this with my brother. Your mother should consult an attorney who specializes in family law. They can advise you about the specific laws in your state about involuntary committal for adults. They can also advise you about other options like inpatient treatment for people with dual diagnoses (google that term and help your mom learn about it) Do not call the police. The people saying this are well intentioned but they don’t appreciate that involving the police is a liability at best and potentially tragic at worst.
A forced psyciatric stay seems like the best if not only option here! You and your mom can’t help him beyond this point! He needs severe help, and you’re not qualified!
And once he’s in, give the mastiff up gor adoption!
Hi, OP, you sound defeated. Don’t be. There is hope.
You didn’t say where you are, but if you are in the States, your community and state should have mental health agencies. Give them a call to find answers to your questions.
Write everything down. Have dates, times, who said what, etc. Put it in a cloud! Document this dog issue. Can your mom not take this dog to a shelter/vet to see if it is chipped? This dog is making your home unsafe. You may have to take drastic measures.
Now, here is the hard part: once you have a plan and are ready to work on getting your brother out of the house, will your mom be strong enough to follow through?
Mental illness is so very hard to live with. You are unsafe with your brother even if he is nonviolent.
I’m with the adult protective services idea. Start there. But since he leaves – can you first put cameras around the outside and inside of the house and get him on video being disruptive? Then is it possible to then change the locks when he’s out? Then you’ll have him on video if he destroys anything. Not sure how legal that is but it’s not his house.
Go to family court to get a court order committal for psychiatric evaluation. All i got.
Have him trespassed by the police – but make a plan with friends and neighbors. Make it about the dog, he will most likely do the rest for you. Ask your police if they have a social worker, or if they can bring one in. Locate and contact any resources available to your mom regarding elder abuse or just general adult services. My main point is to pull together a team so you have more support. His behavior depends on Mom being defenseless (and you being trapped by that).
💚
I’m going to tell you a story about a man that was my partner for 15 years. When we met, he disclosed that he likely has schizophrenia. His mother battled with it horribly up until the end. For years I fought with him and doctors to get him treated. The issue was that they would t prescribe antipsychotics without trying everything else first, including antidepressants. He refused, he refused to even lie about it because he was angry they didn’t look and see that antidepressants can make people with schizophrenia suicidal and homicidal. So it was a losing battle. We never was treated.
He would be antisocial and paranoid all of the time but usually twice a year it would spin out of control and he would have what we called “episodes” where the racing thoughts were all he could hear. There was a pretty scary one in 2020 where he broken the back door down and entered the house with a gun drawn. He never should have had weapons but with no criminal history and his paranoia, he held onto guns like a security blanket.
In the summer of 2021 he had his worst episode yet. They usually last a week but this was going on 2 weeks. He decided he was going to leave, I couldn’t stop him. And so he left. He told me before that driving sometimes helps calm his thoughts. I woke from a nap to find out he had executed his stepbrother in cold blood. It was a closed casket, he emptied out two magazines of 9mm into his chest and head. At the time he was convinced that his step brother meant us harm.
Schizophrenia and psychosis always escalates without treatment. I tell you this as a warning. The behavior will escalate. And right now it sounds like his thoughts target you (the cameras to watch you while he was away). If nothing else you need to get the hell out of there and don’t let him know where you’ve gone. I know you worry about your mother but if she’s like any mother, it doesn’t matter to her and she will care for him regardless of the danger. You can’t help her if you’re not alive to do it.
Been in this situation but a increasingly toxic relationship I’ve 20 years. Not a finally member. What stopped it was a restraining order and the mindset and will that i hold steady on enforcing it.
Weed certainly can cause, or worsen, paranoia and delusional thinking. Get him help.
Depends on where you live. For my son when he was in a mental health crisis they have a special number you can call for mental health special trained help. Not that once they are there they just take to psych ward and kick out but it does get them away for the moment.
Does he work? I’m assuming not.
My brother and my son both have/had schizophrenia. My mom tried to evict my brother but she always backed down and let him stay.
A lot of marijuana, can cause psychosis. Meth also comes to mind with the cameras, paranoia, outbursts, and secrecy about the dog. The dog may belong to his dealer or something and he could get free meth in exchange for dog watching. Look up symptoms of meth use. Sounds like it to me. Especially if he’s really skinny.
Elder abuse… plain and simple. Mental illness does not make it OK. My mother has the “same son”. Enabled him his entire life…let the professionals help. Go to your county to ask for help.
This was my family’s situation until my severely mentally unwell sibling died by suicide and left my parents’ lives shattered (but less chaotic). We need much, much better infrastructure to deal with mental health to take the burden way from well-intentioned and desperate families. My parents are well-off, but even with money they were helpless since the resources weren’t there or had an enormous waiting list. My best advice is to call an ambulance the next time he has a meltdown, and the police if he is being violent. This obviously may not be possible, but try to get a better paying job so that you have more options in terms of your own living situation and that of your mum. I’m so sorry you’re in this impossible situation.
maybe i’ll get down voted, but if your mom is continuing to enable this behavior, you need to move out on your own and allow her to reap the full consequences of his actions on her own. if she is allowing this to continue bc she won’t take the next step, she is just as bad as he is. she would rather endanger you than protect you, herself, and yalls home. she is dangerous to be around as well. parents that enable their adult children like this can lead to casualties not only for y’all but for others. the fact you won’t get into the other charges tells me your mom enabling him has cost others tons already. i think if you can’t get your mom onboard & you can’t move out, you need to have an intervention with your mom first & foremost, not your brother. until your mom gets on the same page as you, she will continue to enable him and cause harm to yourselves and others. i actually find it selfish that she won’t take the next step. she’s the one you need to have a sit down with.
My brother caused similar issues. The short of it is this: if your mom won’t make the choice to seperate from him, nothing will ever change. I had to figure out how to move out and live on my own. I pretty much disowned him. I’m not NC with my mom bc the toxic brother doesn’t fall from the toxic mother tree. The only way this will end for you is to get yourself out. Make your own life. Provide a safe place for your mom to visit when he’s being crazy (I wouldn’t bc its only a matter of time until bro ends up terroring your home, but to each their own.)
But your mom won’t cut him off, he won’t cut himself off, stop waiting for something to happen that’s not going to. If simply yelling at him rewards you with the silent treatment and a ghosting, it doesn’t seem like it’d be as hard to break away as you’ve painted it to be. She’s not pulling the trigger bc she refuses to.
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First, I think your mom needs to talk to someone in your local Health and Human Services department… maybe it’s adult protective services or maybe it’s support of adults with mental health or something. She needs to see what programs there are for adults with mental health because at some point she’s not gonna be there for him and he needs to have a group home or something.