In our teens, my brother (both in our 30s, I’m the older sister) fell in with the wrong crowd. Got hooked on heroin. I told our parents. I gave them evidence in the form of scraps of foil with burn marks that I’d find while cleaning the house. They refused to believe their little angel was a junkie. This went on for a while.
They finally believed me after things started going missing. We even had a police officer come to our door saying they got a tip that we were dealing drugs from our home. My brother was sent to at least four different rehabs. None helped. He even had his dealer deliver to him at the last rehab.
In our early 20s he spent a year in prison for theft of a neighbors property. I was harassed daily by phone by other inmates threatening to rape him if I didn’t send them airtime.
He’s been living on the streets for the past 10 or so years. He was always “trying” to get clean. I let go of him years ago. I couldn’t ride the rollercoaster any more. I’ve been waiting for a phone call for years that he’d overdosed.
That phone call came about three weeks ago. He’s gone. He’d passed the night prior from septicemia.
I feel nothing. Not even relief. Just nothing. I don’t care. My little brother died and it was just another day for me. No tears, nothing. My friend is more upset than I am. I don’t get it. She thinks it just hasn’t hit me yet and I’m going to have a break down at some stage. I don’t think so.
I thought I’d feel at least something once the call came. He was a junkie who seriously damaged my family but he was still my little brother. He was still family. But no, there’s no emotion. And I don’t know if I should feel bad about it or not.
Anyway, that’s it. It’s finally done. And I just don’t care.
Comments
You grieved your brother a long time ago. When addiction takes over, the person you love is already gone. I’m really sorry for the loss, and all the losses prior.
You reached a point where your brother was already gone and you were burnt out. It’s really hard to love an addict that’s in active addiction. It’s so hard to constantly give it your all just for them to throw it all away or in your face. It’s understandable that you grieved the loss of your brother a long time ago, because he lost himself to his addiction.
My little sister is a meth addict. She was in recovery for a little while after the birth of her child, but allegedly she’s fallen off the wagon at some point this year. I don’t know for sure, because like you, I grieved her a long time ago. It’s sad, but I almost lost my house and my marriage because of trying to help her. We cant put others above ourselves, especially when in the end, it’s for nothing.
It’s ok that you don’t feel anything. It doesn’t make you bad or uncaring or a horrible sister.
Most people can’t understand just how tired you get of someone who constantly drains your life this way. How you cringe everytime you see they are calling. How sick you get that nothing is safe from them. That they will cry and say sorry while trying to take everything you own. That by the 4th or 5th time you’ve been told about they nearly died and want you to be there to save them that you’re wishing they’d do the job properly next time. How parents go broke trying to save them. How the neighbours and extended family throw judgemental looks and stay away. How much of your life has been taken by someone else’s addiction.
Don’t kick yourself over this one. You have no doubt grieved your brother hundreds of times. You’ve suffered through the anger, the worrying, the frustration and the lies. Its past time to just let go and if anything feel ok about them not hurting themselves or anyone else anymore. After so many years of feeling so much its no wonder there’s nothing left.
My little sister is doing this with meth.
I’m just done. Waiting on that phone call. I’ve lost all the sleep and money I’m willing to.