I (19f at the time) was in my first relationship. I met the girl in question—let’s call her K—at my boyfriend’s house. We quickly became close, and I would’ve considered her my best friend. We went shopping together, played video games, stayed up for hours talking in our Discord group with other friends. We liked so many of the same things. I still remember our friendship fondly, despite everything.
Eventually, we made the horrible decision to start having threesomes. I became super insecure—I was literally watching her sleep with my boyfriend—but she was always so kind to me, and it seemed like everything was okay on the surface.
Around that time, I introduced my younger brother (17m) to our friend group. Things felt good for a while.
Then maybe three months in, I got a call from my boyfriend. He told me he slept with K alone. I told him we were done and cried in my room all day.
The same week, K started picking my brother up from our house at night to drive around. She brought him donuts from her job. They started spending more and more time alone.
A couple weeks later, I was kicked out of the house after a fight with my mom (whole other story). I had nowhere to go but to my ex’s place. A mutual friend took me there, and we walked in on him and K cuddling in bed.
Somehow, K and I “repaired” our friendship. When my ex’s dad wanted me out of the house, I moved into K’s room with her for a month. But then she got mad that I was talking to my ex again—he was a shitty guy, but I was desperate and dumb.
I ended up moving in with him and his mom in another state. During that time, I had no contact with my brother or K. But I later found out they started dating just 2.5 months after she the initial cheating.
Eventually I moved back to the same state and found an amazing new boyfriend. But my brother and I have barely talked since, and never about her.
Now, four years later, he says he wants to bring her around to meet the family.
Because my boyfriend “chose” her over me, it permanently rewired my brain. She became this ideal in my mind. I compared myself to her obsessively—my body, my hair, my makeup, my personality, everything. I also had an eating disorder, and she became a focal point for a lot of that self-hatred. The insecurity still creeps into my relationship now, because my current boyfriend also dated her in the past. It’s always there in the back of my mind.
The idea of seeing her in person makes me panic. Like, full physical anxiety response. And no one really knows that.
My family knows she slept with my boyfriend, but that’s all. They’ve been supportive, but I doubt they’d say no to meeting her if my brother asks. And maybe that’s fair, I don’t know.
Side note: during a “break” from my brother, she slept with a guy in her college class and lied about it. I know this because I’m psycho and messaged the guy myself, and he just told me. So it’s not just my own baggage—she genuinely isn’t good for my brother. There’s a million other things, like her complaining to my bf (before we dated) that my brother didn’t have sex with her enough.
This whole thing has been a source of anxiety, pain, and insecurity for four years. I miss my brother so much, but I don’t know how to move forward with this.
Comments
You’re giving this girl too much of your energy and making her Larger than Life.
Focus on you and your relationship, whatever happens between her and your brother, that’s on them. Like you said, your family already knows that she was the side chick to your ex, your brother knew this and yet he still chose to date her, there is nothing else you can do.
Time to put your energy only on yourself, your relationship and whatever you want out of life. Just make her a hi and bye thing and go on about your business.