Its been a week since the diagnosis and I’ve just been sleeping at his house or hes been sleeping at my house every night. Ive lost 7 pounds. Im missing work. I cant eat, i can barely sleep. My anxiety is absolutely spiked (you can see i started taking fucking zoloft after not wanting to forever). I just dont know what to do. Everyone is saying to take time for me and look out for myself but how can i not be there for him? He calls me crying and wakes up in panic attacks and what I am supposed to do? Not answer the phone? Go home? Im not ready for this and i dont know what to do.
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Idk what else to really say except I’m so sorry…. it sounds like you are doing a lot for your brother, you should really try to set some boundaries so you can make some time for yourself. You can’t help your brother if you are mentally and physically drained….
Hi love! It sounds like you’re a wonderful sibling doing your best to help. Depending on where you are you may need to look into home health options or respite care programs. Caregiver Burnout is a real concern that impacts everyone
Have you talked to your brother about it? Depending on the diagnosis you may need to discuss long term plans for caregiving and overall care plans.
In the meantime, take a long hot shower, reach out to your community for support and get yourself a little treat!
Im so sorry. I can only imagine how tired you must be. Why are you the only person he has for support? Are you guys orphaned? No family to speak of at all? Does your brother not have any friends? What kind of illness does he have?
I’m sorry to hear your brother is sick. It sounds like it might be a major illness. You both deserve support. Can you reach out to his doctor for a social worker contact? Or for caregiving resources?
I wish I had solutions for you.
Find respite. If you want to continue being his caretaker then take a break. Talk to his doctor and ask for a reference for caretaking and arrange to have people come and give you a break.
How sick is your brother?
Could he get a care giver? I have one. When I got diagnosed with chronic pain, and anxiety disorder I was very stubborn about getting a care giver. I feel weird about strangers coming in to my home, and caring for me. But my friend actually got trained to be my care giver and gets paid through government funding. He basically gets paid to do the chores, and make food.
Caregiver burnout is real. Been there, down that.
Look for help. Maybe hired help. Homes. Something.
And sometimes you do have to step back. You need to be strong and healthy to take care of him. Yeah, not taking care of yourself may be efficient short term, but it is a marathon, not a race.
You need to minimally take care of yourself. And I say this as the person who physically had to drag their mother from their dying father’s side, lock the door to his room, and refuse to return the keys until she eats.
Hey babe there is something called caregiver burned out and I think you are dealing with it.. I think you need to reach for help… just because unfortunately it will come to a point that both of you will be sick and then you both will be sick.
It really sounds like you need help. I understand that might not be readily available, but you DO have to take care of yourself to be there and healthy to care for him. Like they say on the plane, secure your own air mask first, then help others.
Take a few minutes here and there when you’re able to make calls about respite care or to ask friends and family if they can “take a shift.” A few days or so, minimum, would be great to help you decompress, but even a few hours without the constant feeling of being available to help someone else can be a little relief. Maybe someone can be with him for a few hours while you shop, go get coffee, just go into your own space and be “unavailable” for a while.
Ask his doctor or care team about respite care, and check with insurance if he has it. Also ask/check for home health care, and hospice benefits if applicable. Exactly what they can provide and where they will provide it is going to vary, but any of them offer assistance and give you at least some sort of break.
You’re not wrong or bad, caregiving is HARD, even (maybe especially) when you have a personal relationship with them prior to their need for care. It’s not that you don’t love him enough, it’s simply that you’re one human. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, it’s a lot!
Take the moments you can to investigate assistance with his care. Even if you plan something in a week, a month, knowing that you have a break on the horizon should help you get through.
Is he connected with his doctor for his diagnosis? Can the doctor recommend a social worker to help connect your brother with resources?
Dump Zoloft and go exercise 1hr every day w/o the phone. Chemicals don’t treat causation, they make it harder to be rational.
Help out, but set boundaries for your time even if it means no-answer. Be up front about it. You are not his parent. Find him a doc that will cure the pbm if real. If it’s not, tough love is best.
Reverting to childhood happens to reality/deniers … especially if someone caters and becomes mommy. Dunno which. You must decide what his situation really is. Good luck!
Taking the time to find & involve a regular care taker,even if its just for a few hours a week, would be one if the best things you can do. It will allow you to oace yourself, build routine, see to essential tasks & fill your own cup. Running on fumes benefits nobody. Encouraging your brother to join a support group may be really helpful for his process aswell. I am so sorry for what you & your loved one are experiencing OP.