So, this will contain Child, sibling, sexual assault. If that’s a triggering topic please scroll away.
I don’t really know what subreddit to put this is, but I don’t have anyone outside of my family to talk to, but I’m really struggling to know what would be the right move here.
I am a woman, and I am 23. When I was 8, and my older brother was 17, he technically raped me, but it wasn’t like violent. He just coerced me. It happened whenever he would babysit. He ended up going into juvie and then rehabilitation, and after that he had to live with our grandma across the country. My mom always said that this is supposed to be a family secret so I never told anyone outside of the siblings.
It’s been years now but he has two children and a wife and is apparently a good guy now. But my twin sister found a great man and he just proposed and I was really excited and she asked me to be the maid of honor and I was excited. But then my mom warned me that my brother would be there for the wedding and now I’m torn. Because every time I see his face or hear his name I’m just right back in that room. But my mom said he’s still my brother and that I should go into therapy to stop being so sensitive about seeing his face.
I asked my sister about it and turns out my mom lied to her too. My sister’s plan had been to have our younger brother be the flower man. But mom had made it so our niece was, and therefore our older brother is coming. So, what do I do? Do I just go to the wedding and suck it up? Do I confront our mom? I don’t want to break our family again but I already had to be on the sidelines for the proposal. I’m always the one being isolated whenever he comes on vacations. Is there anyway this can work without my mom or my siblings hating me? I don’t know what to do.
Comments
Your brother raped you by the sounds of it repeatedly. Why on Earth is he allowed anywhere near the family. Did you not press charges? Is there not a restraining order on him. Don’t worry about hurting the family’s families. Your brother is a predator. I don’t care if he’s married with children once a predator is always a predator. If your sister knows about the rape then why is she even inviting him to her wedding?. If my brother raped my sister I want nothing to do with him. You need to let more people know by keeping it a dirty family secret. You’re putting yourself in a position to have to put up with this man. Let people know what he did. Why should I get swept on the carpet so he can go on with his life but not you. You should go to therapy but not so that you can tolerate being around him because I wouldn’t let anyone force me to be around someone that previously raped me. Sorry but your family’s a little f***** up and your parents are not good parents.
You’re a grown woman. You make your own choices. I recommend you react STRONGLY towards anyone who downplays what you went through (your mom). You decide if you tell others or don’t tell others. Don’t let other people decide that for you.
I just get the impression that you’re letting others make your life choices. You’re letting others make your decisions. You’re letting others tell you how to think, how to heal, what’s ok for you.
Stop letting them do that. Seriously. And if you need to make a scene will taking your independence from others then do so. Make a fuss. Get loud. Reveal secrets if you choose to. Refuse attending if you choose to. Stand up for yourself.
Firstly, I am so sorry this happened to you. I went through the same thing with my brother and it’s such an impactful trauma in so many ways.
You are the maid of honor. Talk to your sister, tell her how uncomfortable this is for you and make sure you reiterate that he raped you and did horrible horrible things. You should not have to be in the same room as this person ever again.
As for your mom.. if it had been your teacher or neighbor, I assume she would’ve done everything to put him behind bars, right? Her comment about how he’s still your brother is so hurtful. You deserve better.
Do not let anyone silence you. Your mother has no right to demand you keep your story a secret. As a woman she should be ashamed of herself. Think of what you need for yourself and what you would want for your daughter if you were to ever have one. This situation is not light and needs to be taken seriously by your family members.
Please sit down with your sister and tell her how you feel. You do not deserve to have to be around this person. As someone who understands this situation fully, do not down play your trauma for others. You are strong and owe it to that little girl in you to advocate for yourself. If your niece being the flower girl is so important to your mom, she can go pick her up and bring her home.
This is your sister’s wedding and your mother needs to back off. Lying to not only you but also your sister, the person whose wedding it is about the planning? Based off of the little information here with your mom’s comments and lies.. she doesn’t deserve to be in your life. A mom fights for her kid, she doesn’t silence them.
Please talk to your sister, it’s her wedding not your moms. I’m sending you so so much love and support through this difficult time. It’s hard to navigate but please put yourself first.
Break your family. Put you first.
Reading through all of your narrative I couldn’t find the part where the people in your life put your wellbeing first, before everyone else’s wants and desires. I looked but I couldn’t find it.
Brace yourself and cover your heart for a moment. Tragically, that includes you.
I urge you to stop thinking of everyone else’s wants and desires. I urge you to think in terms of clearly significant psychological trauma and begin to address how you get into treatment. You should think of how you will find competent, trained professionals who can help with the intrusive recall you describe and other mental health consequences of experiencing that level of childhood sexual exploitation. It is trauma, trauma you experienced. It’s not a “family secret” that your family can somehow claim a right to dictate how you handle.
Do what you need to to maintain your health. If that means avoiding exposure at the wedding by declining to go then do that if the family cannot see reason and bar your brother from coming for your sake.
Just get into treatment.
No, you tell your sister you won’t attend because of his behavior. And you won’t be in the same room with him. You aren’t asking her to make any changes, but you can’t attend. Your Mom is a complete AH.
You are a grown woman and strictly your decision and your mother lied about something to your sister. You could do it one of two ways. Keep quiet go to the wedding and not say anything and avoid your brother or interact with him if he comes up to you just look at him and say you have nothing to say to me leave me alone because he’s had years to apologize to you and from your post you did not say that he has done this
If you do not attend the wedding, you can tell your sister exactly why you’re not and tell her the full story and let her know that anything other than what you’ve said to her that your mother might say is a lie you can also explain to your sister that you do not want to flashback to that time when this happen when he sexually abused you, you have every right to feel the way that you do
And your brother remembers what he did to myself MH childhoodSA survivor this happened when I was about four and it was not a family member in sometimes that I’m doing something it’ll trigger in our flashback that time. And it is the other reason why I’m hurry uncomfortable certain situation so I do understand your feelings and I do understand where you’re coming from but this incident happened to me over 60 years ago so there’s nothing I can really be done now about it.
As I said if you were uncomfortable going to your sister‘s wedding and don’t go, you do not want to put yourself in a mentally stressful situation or causing anxiety, flashbacks or anything else in I repeat it you might want to tell your sister why you’re not going and once again I’m so sorry this happened to you and you have every right to feel the way that you do
I’m so sorry that this has been your experience, and I am so sorry that you are not getting the support from your family that you deserve. I encourage you to consider what choice makes you feel empowered. Is that going to the wedding? Is that confronting your mom? Is that asking your sister to revisit her decision based on your mom’s dishonesty? Is that telling everyone why you won’t be attending, or why you’re not interacting with your brother or his family? I think a first step is to see if you can find a space to listen to yourself with compassion and decide what would be empowering to you.
A thought about therapy, if I may. Unfortunately, it sounds like therapy has been presented to you as a way to “get over it” and make things easier for others. Of course, then, you are not feeling enthusiastic about it. That’s terribly offensive and actually just a continuation of the silencing you are already feeling. In case it’s helpful, I will say, no good therapist would ever approach therapy from that perspective. Good therapy should help you identify thoughts and feelings, build and practice coping strategies, and support you in feeling the empowerment to do whatever you need to take the next healthy step for you. When you mention “I’m just right back in that room”, that is a very typical trauma response. Therapy can be helpful to support you in better responding to triggers, but consider it for you—only for you, not for anyone else. And, above all, be gentle with yourself.