My younger brother and I were super close growing up, but we’ve drifted over the years. He’s always been outgoing and well-liked, though also stubborn and firm in his beliefs. He started dating his now-fiancée, Ursula, in 2016 when they were 15 and 16. They’re now engaged and have a 2-year-old son.
Ursula has always been polite but distant with our family. During COVID, she moved into my parents’ home, and shortly after, became pregnant. They didn’t pay rent while living there and used two of my parents’ cars. When their baby was six months old, they moved in with her family, where they now help care for her younger siblings and support the household.
After they moved, Ursula claimed my mom was verbally and emotionally abusive. My mom is blunt and not the most tactful, but she’s not someone who goes out of her way to be cruel. Some of Ursula’s “examples” include my mom saying the baby looked like my brother (which she took as an insult?), or suggesting Ursula consider staying home with the baby while my brother provided financially. My mom later followed up, just asking what her long-term plans were — not to judge, but to stay informed. Ursula took that as criticism too.
Before the baby’s first birthday, Ursula confronted my mom, explaining how hurt she’d felt. My mom apologized and tried to clarify, but Ursula told others the apology was insincere and that my mom was gaslighting her by framing Ursula as the problem.
Then for the baby’s first birthday, Ursula didn’t invite our parents or tell anyone in our family when or where it was — until the day of, when it rained and they asked if they could have it at my parents’ house. My parents agreed, pulled it together last minute, and hosted all of Ursula’s extended family — while ours was mostly excluded.
For the following year, they skipped every family holiday and get-together, always citing illness or emergencies. They would sometimes visit my parents’ home only when they knew no one else would be there.
My husband and I have two kids close in age to my nephew. We planned a wedding in December 2024 after four years of marriage. In the lead-up, I tried reaching out to my brother to reconnect, especially for the holidays and his son’s second birthday. He brushed me off and said I should make plans with Ursula. The thing is — she had messaged me and my mom a couple months before, and we both responded with possible dates. She deleted our replies and told my brother we never answered.
When I showed my brother the proof, he seemed surprised and said he’d talk to her. But right before our rehearsal dinner, she sent me a long message claiming she hadn’t gotten our texts and rehashing all the old accusations against my mom. I told her I was busy with the wedding and we could talk later.
She didn’t show up to the rehearsal dinner and the next day, she came to the bridal suite only to get her hair done (with my brother supervising), barely said anything, and didn’t stay to get ready with us. They were late to the ceremony. Their son wore red Crocs and a dirty shirt. They left the reception early and later accused me and my husband of ignoring her, and claimed the whole family gave her the cold shoulder — at a wedding of 100+ people.
Two days later, they had a birthday party for their son but didn’t invite any of our family. Ursula sent a copy-paste version of her message to my older sister, again listing all the past accusations. My sister responded calmly and factually, disproving many of her claims (including that my mom and Ursula had hugged and chatted at the reception). Every time my sister made a valid point, Ursula deflected, changed the topic, and eventually just blocked her.
The next day, she sent a similar message to me on Christmas. I responded with kindness, saying we loved her and wanted to reconnect. I asked that we stop excluding my parents. She doubled down, said she’s never been accepted by our family, and said she regretted ever entering our lives. I reminded her that she and my mom had already talked things out over a year ago — and haven’t interacted since. But she kept saying my mom wasn’t sincere.
She then sent a final long message to my mom, accusing her of spreading lies and rumors. For context: my mom has made no effort to talk about or even mention Ursula since their last conversation. After that, Ursula blocked all of us on social media, left our family group chat, and had my brother leave too. I’ve created new chats and tried texting my brother — he doesn’t respond. We haven’t seen them since the wedding.
My family visits every other month and I always try to reach out when we’re in town. Nothing. No response. No effort.
I want to understand what is going on and how to move forward. I love my brother and want to be part of my nephew’s life. I don’t hate Ursula, and I’ve never been unkind to her. But everything is always twisted into an attack, and I feel stuck. I’m at a loss.
Also worth noting: all of Ursula’s complaints and confrontations happen only through long text messages. She has never once brought up any of this in person. In real life, she’s always quiet and reserved.
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Backup of the post’s body: My younger brother and I were super close growing up, but we’ve drifted over the years. He’s always been outgoing and well-liked, though also stubborn and firm in his beliefs. He started dating his now-fiancée, Ursula, in 2016 when they were 15 and 16. They’re now engaged and have a 2-year-old son.
Ursula has always been polite but distant with our family. During COVID, she moved into my parents’ home, and shortly after, became pregnant. They didn’t pay rent while living there and used two of my parents’ cars. When their baby was six months old, they moved in with her family, where they now help care for her younger siblings and support the household.
After they moved, Ursula claimed my mom was verbally and emotionally abusive. My mom is blunt and not the most tactful, but she’s not someone who goes out of her way to be cruel. Some of Ursula’s “examples” include my mom saying the baby looked like my brother (which she took as an insult?), or suggesting Ursula consider staying home with the baby while my brother provided financially. My mom later followed up, just asking what her long-term plans were — not to judge, but to stay informed. Ursula took that as criticism too.
Before the baby’s first birthday, Ursula confronted my mom, explaining how hurt she’d felt. My mom apologized and tried to clarify, but Ursula told others the apology was insincere and that my mom was gaslighting her by framing Ursula as the problem.
Then for the baby’s first birthday, Ursula didn’t invite our parents or tell anyone in our family when or where it was — until the day of, when it rained and they asked if they could have it at my parents’ house. My parents agreed, pulled it together last minute, and hosted all of Ursula’s extended family — while ours was mostly excluded.
For the following year, they skipped every family holiday and get-together, always citing illness or emergencies. They would sometimes visit my parents’ home only when they knew no one else would be there.
My husband and I have two kids close in age to my nephew. We planned a wedding in December 2024 after four years of marriage. In the lead-up, I tried reaching out to my brother to reconnect, especially for the holidays and his son’s second birthday. He brushed me off and said I should make plans with Ursula. The thing is — she had messaged me and my mom a couple months before, and we both responded with possible dates. She deleted our replies and told my brother we never answered.
When I showed my brother the proof, he seemed surprised and said he’d talk to her. But right before our rehearsal dinner, she sent me a long message claiming she hadn’t gotten our texts and rehashing all the old accusations against my mom. I told her I was busy with the wedding and we could talk later.
She didn’t show up to the rehearsal dinner and the next day, she came to the bridal suite only to get her hair done (with my brother supervising), barely said anything, and didn’t stay to get ready with us. They were late to the ceremony. Their son wore red Crocs and a dirty shirt. They left the reception early and later accused me and my husband of ignoring her, and claimed the whole family gave her the cold shoulder — at a wedding of 100+ people.
Two days later, they had a birthday party for their son but didn’t invite any of our family. Ursula sent a copy-paste version of her message to my older sister, again listing all the past accusations. My sister responded calmly and factually, disproving many of her claims (including that my mom and Ursula had hugged and chatted at the reception). Every time my sister made a valid point, Ursula deflected, changed the topic, and eventually just blocked her.
The next day, she sent a similar message to me on Christmas. I responded with kindness, saying we loved her and wanted to reconnect. I asked that we stop excluding my parents. She doubled down, said she’s never been accepted by our family, and said she regretted ever entering our lives. I reminded her that she and my mom had already talked things out over a year ago — and haven’t interacted since. But she kept saying my mom wasn’t sincere.
She then sent a final long message to my mom, accusing her of spreading lies and rumors. For context: my mom has made no effort to talk about or even mention Ursula since their last conversation. After that, Ursula blocked all of us on social media, left our family group chat, and had my brother leave too. I’ve created new chats and tried texting my brother — he doesn’t respond. We haven’t seen them since the wedding.
My family visits every other month and I always try to reach out when we’re in town. Nothing. No response. No effort.
I want to understand what is going on and how to move forward. I love my brother and want to be part of my nephew’s life. I don’t hate Ursula, and I’ve never been unkind to her. But everything is always twisted into an attack, and I feel stuck. I’m at a loss.
Also worth noting: all of Ursula’s complaints and confrontations happen only through long text messages. She has never once brought up any of this in person. In real life, she’s always quiet and reserved.
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That’s really devastating, I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this. I truly hope that she is willing to look at this with reason and understanding that this isn’t about her.
She creates drama but won’t actually talk face-to-face where her claims could be challenged in real time. This is textbook controlling behavior and I’m worried for him.
Just drop the rope. Brother is under Ursula’s control.
Just give your brother what he obviously wants: no contact.
At this point I’m afraid that you have to accept that they want full no contact. You’ve reached out and said you’re willing to communicate that’s really all you can do. If you keep hounding them about it you’re only going to push them further away and SiL can spin that as you being toxic, manipulative, and controlling. Back off and just go on with your life until your brother decides to reach out again.
It honestly sounds like she is intentionally trying to cut your family out, and your brother doesn’t have the spine to stand up to her. Might be time to take a step back and leave the ball in his court. You’ve already bent over backwards trying to maintain a relationship with her while she has systematically undermined the relationship between them and your family.
Just cut them off. Also let your brother know to lose your number if his life ever falls into disarray because you’re not gonna forget how shitty a brother he was
All you can do is tell your brother that you love him and you are ready to be in his life anytime. Then back off. He is deciding for now to let his partner control him. Be open to whatever he needs when he needs you.
Send your brother an email and tell him that you will be there for him when he’s ready to reconnect. And stop trying with Ursula. Do not entertain her nonsense anymore when she rehashes her imagined grievances against your mom. Leave the ball in your brother’s court and let him know that you are no longer going through her because she is unreasonable and he is your brother.
I know it’s painful, but focus on everyone else and live your lives. If he hasn’t blocked you all on social media, he’ll see that you all can get along without him and his oversensitive, controlling weasel of a wife. Maybe he’ll even miss you.
Find a way to get a message to your brother:
“When you’re ready to get out of your abusive relationship text BEGIN to 88788 and then call me. I’ll drop everything to be there.”
And then let it all go. You can’t help him. He doesn’t want help. Just make sure he knows you’re there when he leaves.
It’s not fair but there’s nothing you can do about that. You’re not going to have the relationship you want. You’re not going to have your nephew. You get nothing. Sometimes life is really, really unfair.
Build your life with your kids and family. Don’t miss out on your life bc of your brother’s decisions.
She sounds like a master manipulator. Someday, your brother is going to wise up, but none of you will be the ones this make that happen. The fact that she is isolating him from his family is classic abuser behavior, so you know this is going to get ugly. Just be there for him when he is ready.
Yeah, I don’t know if this is salvageable. This woman sounds like a narcissist nightmare. Let your brother know you care about him and want him in your life and that you feel like you have tried everything you can with Ursula but nothing is good enough. Let him know that you will be there for him anytime he needs you, but you can’t keep banging your head against a brick wall with her. Then let it go. Move on and live your life. Hopefully he will wake up and realize how important his family is. But you can’t force him to see it, and clearly you are getting nowhere with her.
She’s a narcissist! She’s controlling your brother and he is allowing it!! Long as he allows it everything will be her way or the highway. He isn’t going to leave that baby. He knows he will not see him again if he does. I’m sure it’s either his son or you all. He has chosen his son. I pray he doesn’t have anymore children with her. Once the baby is old enough he can walk away and take him with him. Just always let him know you’re there whenever he is ready. I pray he will see the light one day soon. Love is all you can do at this point. Let him know him and the baby always have a place to lay their heads
I know you want to patch up the family, but you’re crossing lines requesting that they include your parents.
On one hand she could be controlling and isolating your brother, in which case, if you want to reconnect with him, your only option is to play by her rules, and if she says no parents, then give her that and take advantage of your chance to get back in.
On the other hand, it could be that your mom (or parents, or even family) is actually not as nice as you think she is but you’re used to her, and that’s why your brother doesn’t fight for your parents to be let back in. In which case, you’d also be crossing his boundaries by insisting they let the whole family back in.
At the end of the day, your brother is on his wife’s side and you can’t force him to do the opposite, so consider again what you want for yourself and your kids only, and go from there, but stop pushing for more. They’re a couple and that’s their choice as adults, you have to respect that whether you agree with them or not, and by pushing for more, you could be putting your brother at risk, so drop it.
You blame her for everything, yet your brother is doing what? He is equally the problem.
That child will be raised to criticize and think less of y’all.
Your brother is your only hope. Keep the airwaves / communication open.
Tell your mom (parents) to stop jumping through hoops for the finance. Her behavior will NEVER change because you aren’t giving her a reason to change it.
If she knew she couldn’t manipulate your parents usinfbthe baby, she cwould have to try something else.
If she knew lies and gossip wouldn’t work, because you guys either don’t care while also telling the truth when asked… She would need a new tactic.
You mom has to take her power away. That could include long breaks and saying no to them.
Go see your brother. Not his wife.
I’m sorry My son’s divorce from the same woman went through last week. This type of person is a hateful soul. Unfortunately one day your child will be done with it.
Then the nightmare starts. People are crazy.
Updateme
At some point you stop doing this song and dance with her. You have tried to hear her side but it’s been proven to not be true. The obvious issue is she’s is isolating your brother and nephew from his family. But until he realizes it nothing can be done.