My childrens father told me his psychologist said he processes at a 7th grade level.
My (F19) childrens father (M18) told me his psychologist told him that he “Is smart, but processes at a 7th grade level.” He followed up with, “It makes sense because I stopped going to school consistently in the 7th grade.”
After he left his visit with our daughters, I started looking into what it meant to process at a 7th grade level. I learned that his problem solving, empathy, emotional regulation, logical reasoning, and overall cognitive abilities are thoes of someone who is 12-13.
I stopped attending school consistently in the 8th grade as well (went back in the “11th” and have since completed), but my psychologist said I am developmentally advanced in all of the same traits, which says to me that his abilities are not stunted because his lack of school, but that he has a complex developmental disability.
We where both told we meet the criteria for ‘Broad Autism Phenotype.’ He is officially diagnosed with ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder. I was also officially diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder as a child, but have recently been reasessed and only met the criteria for OCD and BAP. (I forgot, we both have CPTSD.)
I started analyzing his past behaviors and recalling how boys acted in my classes in the 6-8th grade – to which I recognized his behaviors are incredibly similar. I have a new understanding of why he is the way he is, but how in the hell do I move forward knowing I am basically co-parenting with a child. I asked chat gpt how I can co-parent with him and it says that using simple language and broken down formats to help him process, being patient and understanding, and remaining on one topic at a time (and advised that I include a mediator in complex conversations – which I have suggested in the past but he will not attend).
So I am supposed to treat him like a child ? Basically raise him? How am I supposed to feel okay with him being a “parent” to our girls when he has the inability to accurately construct and process information at an adequate level? I feel just about ready to throw myself out the window. (Metaphorically.)
I would also like to add we where together for about 3 years, and I left him when I was 2 months pregnant with our second daughter because he started displaying extreme narcissistic traits. (There is more to that story but that’s for another day.)
TL;DR
My (F19) childrens father (M19) told me his psychologist told him he processes at a 7th grade level. How in the world do I successfully co-parent with someone who has the capacity of a child?
Comments
I guess this is the likely outcome of the trap you set for yourself.
After having one child at 16, it seems you were determined to have another quickly, and when you’re not an adult yourself, you can’t hope to accurately judge your partner.
I doubt there’s going to be any wildly good responses to this, you just might have to be realistic about the sort of father he’s going to be and the sort of relationship you want going forward.
I don’t think any of that needs to matter to you. He isn’t your responsibility, and you can’t “raise him” or otherwise encourage him to grow up. And that’s if he’s even telling the truth – who knows if he is or not. If you aren’t together and your relationship is that of coparents only then it really isn’t your problem. Communicate with him like you’d communicate with anyone else. If you find that he’s struggling to understand you, use smaller words and simpler language.
I don’t know what his therapist meant, and I doubt that he does, either. It does sound like he now has a really useful excuse, though, whenever there’s something that he doesn’t want to do. (“I can’t pick her up from school, I can’t keep a schedule on account of my 7th-grade mind.) Instead of making yourself crazy, you might ask him to ask his therapist whether you can attend a session with him, so the therapist can help you both to better understand what his capacities are, and how he can grow as a parent if he puts in the work.
I’ve been down this rabbit hole of fixation on mental regression or emotional/intellectual stunting… it’s a terrible lens to view life. Also, don’t ask ChatGPT.
No one is going to have a straightforward answer for you on how you can co-parent with someone immature. But also you haven’t addressed specific issues just pointed out concern that your partner was labeled stunted. Is your real issue that you now have ‘the ick’??
You haven’t accepted been satisfied enough with ChatGPT’s answer just like you may not accept our answer because I don’t think you are actually searching for how to communicate better, instead searching for validation for feelings you haven’t fully expressed. I am reading between the lines that you are starting to look down on him and his ability… again, you haven’t given experienced scenarios just poor faith arguments “how will he ever [xyz]”.
You may have disdain for him or lost respect. Without actual situational issues to workshop a solution through, you aren’t giving anyone a chance to help redeem him. I kind of think this is a you issue until you can produce a scenario where your concerns are more than superficial.
You don’t successfully parent with someone with that capacity.
Co-parenting is not on the menu imho. You look out for the child, you give simple instructions and requests where appropriate to the father, and you stop parenting with him. He’s not your partner any longer anyway.
He’s still only 19yo and most 19yo guys I knew wouldn’t have known any more about parenting a child than when they also were 13yo. Hell, most adults, male or female, find it a hella learning curve but when you’re older with more life experience, at least you don’t have all the other life lessons you’re having to learn at the same time. Maybe he’ll be a better older father – doesn’t help you any right now though.
That’s where his capacity is right now. It doesn’t mean it has to stay there. You can’t really control that. He has to want to learn and grow. What you do have control over is how you treat him and whether you hold space for him to expand his intellect and grow emotionally.
ChatGPT gave a shit answer. If you follow its advice, all you’re going to do is come off condescending and he’s going to shut down and/or be insulted. Don’t treat him like a child. Treat him like he has the capacity to learn and grow, and there’s a chance he might.
Your conclusion that he has a developmental disorder bc you stopped school around the same time and don’t have these deficits might be, but is not necessarily, correct. He is not you. Y’all are two different seeds grown in similar, but ultimately different, soils.
It makes sense to me that a lot of his intellectual and emotional capacity is the same as when he left school. You don’t say why he left school, but if it was bc of something traumatic happening, then yeah, it’s possible he’s just stunted, as trauma can have that impact on the brain. But it doesn’t mean he can’t or won’t mature. He’s not that far behind, yet. You are both still young. Neither of your brains are fully developed.
Do not treat him like a lost cause if you want to keep the relationship get better. “You can do hard things, I believe in you” is a great phrase to have in your pocket. And if nothing changes, well, then at least you know what you’re dealing with. But treating him like a lost cause will do nothing to get him to where he needs to be to be an equitable partner to you.